Worry doesn’t ruin people’s lives.

The fear of worry does.

99% of the things we worry about never happen but it is the anticipation of what we fear could happen that paralyzes us, brings illness, wrecks relationships and puts a damper on happiness.

My father had a heart attack when he was 37.  He lived to be 82.  My mother was a professional worrywart and her son became pretty skilled at it, too.

The best book I ever read on worry was Dale Carnegie’s How To Stop Worrying and Start Living.  In a moment I will share a great way to use that book to put a stop/loss on worry.

But first, three facts you should know about worrying: 

1. Live in day tight compartments.  Don’t stew about the future.  Just live each day until bedtime. 
2. Remind yourself of the exorbitant price we can pay for worry in terms of health.  “Those who don’t know how to fight worry die young”.
3. Ask yourself what is the worst that can possibly happen if you can’t solve your problem.  Prepare yourself mentally to accept the worst — if necessary.  Then calmly try to improve upon the worst — which you have already mentally agreed to accept.

Now the hint.

Buy a paperback copy of Carnegie’s book or download it to a tablet or reader and read one chapter at a time.  Only one.  Read it over and over again as many times as necessary.  Only when you have mastered the principle in each chapter, move on to the next but not before you’ve begun to see yourself breaking the worry habit.

“Today is our most precious possession. It is our only sure possession” – Dale Carnegie

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I know three people in my life right now who have had or have cancer. 

They are all under 30.

One has had serious breast cancer surgery.  One had leukemia as a teenager.  And the third just found out a few days ago that she will have to have a suspicious lump removed.

This is unfair but life can be unfair. 

When cancer comes calling, this horrible disease seems to bring the best out of people.  Most victims find out how strong they really are even if previously they never felt strong.  Those around them automatically offer their support, a hug, a prayer, a friendship to help them through the crisis.

What a wonderful world this would be if we could do all those things for each other without having it prompted by serious illness.

In fact we can – now.

The cure for cancer is partially in the hands of physicians and partially in the mind of the person fighting for their health.  

The prescription for being a good friend to yourself and others is to offer the cure without the disease.

Adversity introduces a person to him or herself and to those around them.

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In a world where “it’s all about me”, the clamor of everyone vying for attention is tough on interpersonal relations.

At Philadelphia International Airport last week, I saw a young businesswoman who was irked because she had been waiting for a shuttle bus to take her from the car rental lot to the terminal.  She had every right to be upset because she could have missed her flight.  No one seemed to respond to her concern so she tweeted to Hertz to tell them that this is “not exactly” the service they promise.

I’m good with that.

But one wonders if we are equally motivated to catch someone doing something right.  To commend them – publicly and to their employers and to use the power of your personality to make someone’s day.

Here’s the approach I like:

1. Identify the deed and then tell the person who did it what impressed you.  To avoid mere flattery, give a specific example.  Keep a keen eye out for people you can recognize for something good they have done.
2. Tell others around them about the good deed, excellent service or news about that which exceeded your expectations.
3. Get your cell phone out and take it viral
4. Let their employer know.

Steps 1-3 take only a minute.

Step 4 if you are so motivated requires a few minutes more. 

If you want to make more friends in a few minutes than you could make trying to impress them, appoint yourself as the person who is ordained to appreciate the efforts and spirit of others.

One added benefit:  how good it makes you feel.

“The best minute you spend is the one you invest in people” – Ken Blanchard

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True love is when two people are each other’s best listener.

Tuned in, responsive.

Eager to practice the awesome power of listening to show that they deeply care.

Marriage counselors will tell you that when they conduct counseling sessions with two warring partners one or both parties scream out to be heard.  The two often speaking past each other without even noticing.

A basic human need and one not often recognized for its importance before it is too late is the need to be heard.

Anyone can do it, but it takes some practice.

Focus on the person.

Receive the message.

Respond (don’t react).

No relationship has ever been strong without the ability to listen to each other.

The simple act of listening is true love.

“The first duty of love is to listen” – Anonymous quote

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Some people just like to get under your skin.

It’s a dysfunctional way to interact with others and it can leave the recipient on an emotional roller coaster.

We reprogram our phones, digital devices and computers.  Now we can reprogram that hot button that others push to make us angry.

I know a psychologist who advised a separated couple not to talk to each other very often because of an acrimonious divorce.  So when one ex called the other it would end in a shouting match.  His prescription:  put the phone down, don’t slam it down and walk away.  Send a message that you are not reacting, but responding and the response is “we’re not going to have destructive and upsetting conversations”.  No anger – just a phone with nobody there.

See yourself in a tee-shirt that has a big “PUSH” button on the front (big and red like the Staples “Easy” button).

Whenever anyone makes you feel threatened by the conversation – either directly or more subtly – picture that “PUSH” button and don’t let them push it.

This can be very empowering because sometimes people don’t observe healthy boundaries and you no longer have to let them impose their drama on you.

“No is a complete sentence” – Ann Lamott

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When people let us down, it is disappointing.

And there are no shortages of disappointments to go around. 

A cancelled appointment, a missed dinner date, a worker who fails to live up to a promise, a friend who blows you off and thinks nothing of it. 

That’s why to overcome disappointment caused by others that can sometimes be hurtful, there is a 3-step approach that is worth pursing. 

1. Ask yourself, if the person who is disappointing you is as upset by it as you are.  If not, start getting over it immediately.
2. If a pattern of disappointment becomes evident, invest more of your emotional time in people who do not disappoint.
3. Protect boundaries that prevent others from upsetting your world whether it is intentional or circumstantial.

If you are the person disappointing yourself, identify this as destructive behavior and start treating yourself as the fine person you are.

There is power in being able to do and be more than others expect from you.  It feels great and makes those around you feel great. 

At the same time, ratchet down impossible expectations from those around you.

“Blessed is he who expects nothing, for he shall never be disappointed”  — Alexander Pope

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Three teenage girls who sat next to me at a recent Flyers hockey game arrived late.

One asked me if had they missed the “tribute”. 

They were speaking of a classmate of theirs who developed bone cancer and had to give up athletics, a normal life and his hair battling the disease.

The Flyers did a between period tribute to this young man who was shown on arena vision beaming from ear to ear and appeared to be the healthiest person in the arena.  The girls were thrilled.  We were all inspired.

To them, their peer represented inspiration.  Hope.  The ability to overcome adversity and prevail in the end.

Suffering is a necessary part of life.  It almost always changes the individual and those around them.  Many of life’s suffering are not fatal but we often think they are. 

Suffering can be transformational as this young boy with cancer proves.  I’m sure you can name an inspirational hero who has overcome the odds.

But everyday suffering from jobs we’re not happy with, relationships that seem bogged down or financial problems that feel insurmountable can be handled the same way.

Courage.

A “treatment plan”.

Determination to overcome the adversity that causes the suffering. 

No need to wait for illness to inspire us when there are so many other challenges that can be met with the same prescription.

Never, never give up hope.

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I have a theory why the world seems to be getting ruder.

We’ve been digitally connected now for well over a decade and it’s a lot easier to fire off a text or an email response without seeing or hearing the other person’s reaction. 

And without thinking.

In essence, we’ve become immune to observing the reactions of others.

And we’re all on digital overload.

We all have some degree of attention deficit and before you say not you, do you own a TiVo or a DVR?  Increasingly we want what we want when we want it on demand.

I’m convinced that people – even rude ones – have a great need to be heard.

And this we can do.

Listen – respond. 

And don’t battle rudeness with rudeness.

Here are my rules:

1. Fight rude people with attention – listen, observe the message along with the rudeness.
2. Show them how to do it right – respond with courtesy and respect and deliver the message you have in mind.  They should never get you off message.
3. Draw a boundary between this type of rudeness and the kind that makes you feel badly about yourself at which point – cut them loose.

You might be saying, I don’t care about rude people, but they get in our space and adversely affect our daily lives at work, at home and in our peer groups.

Best yet, even when you use the three rules to no avail, somehow you feel better, more in control.

“Rudeness is the weak man’s imitation of strength” – Edmund Burke

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One of the characteristics of the 80 million members of Generation Y is that they are dreamers.  They exist to pursue their dreams whether it be at work, at home or in a civic way.

This is good.  It’s inspirational. 

When we’re kids we think anything is possible.  Adults call it being altruistic and somehow time, work and experience dampens that youthful gift most of us didn’t even know we had.

Then we get older and learn to be more mature, more responsible – in essence, more like an adult.

This is also good.

But both youthful dreaming and adult responsibility together is even better.

So, it’s up to us to see what we need to add to the mix to achieve that all-important 50/50 ratio.

Usually, it is being more childlike. 

We need more wonder, more discovery, more fun which comes by allowing ourselves to be “young”.   And if you think this actual youth has an advantage, that would be wrong.  The advantage goes to those with youthful behavior no matter what their age.

You’re saying, could there be anyone on this earth who is half childlike and half mature adult?

The Dali Lama – revered for both characteristics whose enviable comportment makes us believe that it may be possible to be half kid and half adult.

Life is too short to let Mr. Burns ruin our happiness at work.

Or to outsource our childlike wonder to a world that can sap our zest for living.

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Relax.  Don’t double down and amp up the effort.

Tony Schwartz, author of Be Excellent At Anything and author of a recent article in the Sunday New York Times warns us that we may not want to believe it but research shows naps and vacations lead to more and better output.  

It’s called strategic renewal and you’re going to be hearing more about it because, face it, we’re all too stressed!

Short afternoon naps.  Daytime workouts.  More sleep.  More time away from the office.  More vacations (Americans left an average of 9.2 vacation days unused in 2012).

Who does Schwartz think we work for – Google?

But jobs performance, more productivity and improved health are the solid evidence that backs up his claim.

More, bigger and faster is out. 

And believe it or not 50% of us plan to work on vacation, a third of us eat lunch at our desk while we continue to work and employers push this unsustainable work ethic that actually costs American companies some $63 billion a year according to a recent Harvard study.

• When a Stanford researcher got male basketball players to sleep 10 hours a night, free-throw and three point performance increased by 9%.
• When night shift air traffic controllers were asked to take a 40-minute nap mid-shift, their performance was better on tests that measured vigilance and reaction time.
• 60-90 minute naps actually improved memory.

Our bodies speak.  They tell us too much Starbucks.  Too much stress.  Too much digital.  And yet we don’t listen.

Schwartz says it best:

“When we’re renewing, we’re truly renewing, so when we’re working, we can really work”.

I’ve got to work on this one, how about you?

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