Traditional thinking is that when a friend becomes troubled or depressed, you should do what psychologists call “positive reframing”.  But it can backfire and make others feel worse about themselves when telling them how fortunate they are.

There’s another way to look at friendship – not as a cheerleader or advocate but as a supporter.  It may be that a friend’s job is not to try to cheer a person up but instead acknowledge the reality of the situation. To hear, respectand love the person. To show that you haven’t given up on them.  And you haven’t walked away.

A friend is one who walks in when the rest of the world walks out.

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Reflective listening is putting someone’s meaning into your own words so they can confirm or correct your understanding.

Think about the last time someone brought you a problem. How quickly did you start offering your answer? Being useful can become such a priority that we hurry past understanding. A friend or colleague describes a disappointment but before suggesting their next move, make sure to understand what hurt.  Listening to what’s being said and then saying it back in a phrase or sentence to show you are both listening and comprehending. Often, we want someone to listen more than we want them to solve our problems.

Why are we in such a hurry to have an answer when the answer might be no answer at all.

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Marni Wandner Ashby returned to my NYU Stress Free Living & Working in the Music Industry class to answer questions about anxiety, burnout and work/life balance.  One of the most resonating points was that we often act in a place of fear.  It’s better if we know what we want, not what we don’t want.

People sprinting toward a destination they’ve never stopped to define — which means they never know if they’re getting closer, only that they’re getting exhausted. Sometimes the first step is just defining the thing.  She adds, “If you’re feeling this way, try asking: ‘What would success look like for me right now?’

Not forever. Just this month. Maybe even today.

It’s kind of amazing how much lighter things feel when you actually know where you’re heading.

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What a mess — Miley Cyrus’s recent Hollywood Bowl comeback was nearly derailed due to her fear of performing in public and severe online criticism.

Her recent two-night engagement marked her first full live performances in four years, a return she felt was “too harmful to her mental health” after battling years of performance anxiety.  She went on, then was hit with social media commentary accusing her of not singing every word and questioned her sincerity.

Before her second show, Cyrus admitted she had already told herself, “I wasn’t going to come on stage, I was going to run away”. But she showed up.  Addressing the audience, she pushed back against the narrative that she didn’t care: “I’ve never heard that I don’t put my heart into something… one thing I will not stand is any question about where my heart is when I’m on the stage”.

Cyrus reframed the performance as a personal challenge rather than a product for consumption, stating, “This is not an experiment of you. This is an experience for me”.

Miley faced it, defended her sincerity, and turned vulnerability into defiance and presence.

Overcome the negative urges – keep on going.

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Boredom tells us something.

A passage in September’s Town & Country calls boredom “the waiting room of the unexpected.” It makes a case for allowing thoughts and feelings to surface without directing them.

But there’s another possibility worth considering: boredom may bring an unanswered question into view — am I tired of this task—or tired of doing work that no longer interests me? Do I need a break — or something worth getting involved in? Have I outgrown a routine I keep following because it’s familiar?

We turn to our phones to avoid boredom – to keep us looking for something stimulating which is why we hold it in our hands. Every dull moment doesn’t contain a revelation. But immediately escaping all of them leaves little opportunity to find out.

Sometimes the useful thing about having nothing to do is noticing what you’ve been meaning to do.

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Bart Starr, the Packers’ Hall of Fame quarterback, recounted legendary coach Vince Lombardi’s first meeting with the team in 1959, where the new coach told the players they would succeed because they would “have confidence in me and my system”.

Starr described how the team “caught his enthusiasm” and that Lombardi brought out in him a contagious kind of confidence. The phrase “confidence is contagious. So is the lack of confidence” was first spoken in the film “Second Effort” and the idea reflects Lombardi’s well-attested belief in the infectious nature of a leader’s confidence. Lombardi plays a coach teaching his “Second Effort” philosophy to a struggling salesman, and the line appears as one of the aphorisms he delivers on camera. The film was designed to motivate salesmen, applying Lombardi’s football principles to the business world.

Harvard Business School professor Rosabeth Moss Kanter points to what should be obvious but is often taken for granted:  Confidence is infectious.

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A recent Atlantic article confirmed that texting is the preferred way for people to communicate with loved ones – yes, loved ones.

“According to a 2023 survey, texting is the No. 1 way that people prefer to communicate with their loved ones, beating out mobile-phone calls and absolutely crushing face-to-face conversations, which got only 8 percent of the vote. Texting came out ahead in every age bracket except the oldest; those 55 and older ranked texting and mobile-phone calls equally. No age group preferred anything over texting.”

YES, BUT … a third of Americans say they are overwhelmed by the number of texts they need to deal with and yet it makes us feel like we’re in control more so than conversing on the phone.  Half of young adults, according to a 2024 survey, thought unexpected calls are bad news.  I’ve been teaching at NYU for nine years and the last thing a student wants is for a professor to call them on the phone – text, yes.  Phone, no.

We’ve become our phones.  Being great at texting does not mean being good at relationships which perhaps is the reason so many people feel overwhelmed, socially concerned and lonely living by the new number one way to communicate.

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It’s too late for spring cleaning, but never too late to add new friends – even casual ones. Nothing feels better than to make a new acquaintance.  At the same time, saying goodbye to people who are not for you is equally rewarding.

“Don’t believe in those who don’t believe in you.”  Give less weight to criticism intended to hurt you—especially personal attacks offering no solution or hope—while remaining open to constructive feedback.

Someone’s lack of faith in you doesn’t make their judgment true.  Be on the lookout for destructive criticism: unkind delivery, an attack on you rather than the situation, and no solution or hope for improvement.  We tend to spend too much time, energy and emotion trying to win over people who don’t accept us as we are.

It’s not being selfish.  Not arrogance. It’s being kind to yourself.

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A friend of mine recently told me his wife who has had a career advocating for the handicapped helped a student become a medical doctor – she is blind.

Then I heard of Enrique Oliu who has been blind since birth. He has also been part of the Tampa Bay Rays’ Spanish-language broadcast team since its first season in 1998.

His job is color commentary: adding analysis and context alongside the play-by-play announcer. The Rays list him in that role for his 29th season in 2026.

How does he follow a game he cannot see?

Through several sources of information: the announcer’s descriptions, sounds from the field, reactions from the stands and assistance from his wife, Debbie Perry. In a May 2025 interview with Nicaragua’s La Prensa, Oliu explained that she supplies player names, statistics and details he cannot determine from sound alone.

The partnership is central. Debbie helps provide details; Oliu brings his knowledge and commentary to the microphone. Their accounts describe a working arrangement built around the requirements of the broadcast.

The result is a career in baseball broadcasting, carried out through a method adapted to him.

As Enrique Oliu, puts it “I’m just following my dream, like anyone else.”

There is more than one way to see the work.

What would you try if you didn’t have to be good at it immediately?

In a May 21 Vogue essay, Mattie Kahn describes finally taking driving lessons after years of avoiding them. During her first lesson, she drove 40 blocks without incident. Her surprise was discovering that something she had resisted could feel so rewarding.

A 2023 UC Riverside report described two small studies in which older adults learned several new skills, including activities such as photography, languages and music composition. Participants committed approximately 15 hours weekly to classes and homework for three months. Researchers reported improvements on cognitive tests, with gains evident at later follow-ups.

Author Tom Vanderbilt built his book Beginners around a year of learning unfamiliar activities, including singing, chess and surfing. His project was learning for its own sake. Picking something you have postponed because being inexperienced feels embarrassing. Book an introductory lesson, borrow the equipment or ask someone to show you the basics.

Set a first goal: attend, practice and notice what you learn. Decide whether to continue after trying, rather than treating your imagined first attempt as the final verdict.

You’re allowed to be a beginner.

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