Our minds have three ways to make us unhappy according to the Mayo Clinic Guide on Street-free Living.

Addiction to unhealthy behaviors.

Discounting present success also known as (the negativity bias) where we automatically ignore or downplay what we do well and not give ourselves due credit.

And, seeking pleasure in a future moment — pushing joy away to a later day that too often never comes.

In other words, our brains are naturally wired to sabotage our current peace of mind.

Instead of letting us enjoy the present, the mind defaults to automatic patterns: it seeks quick, unhealthy dopamine hits to cope with discomfort (addiction), focuses heavily on what is going wrong while completely ignoring what is going right (negativity bias), and tricks us into believing that happiness is a finish line we will only cross once we achieve the next goal.

As Mayo Clinic doctor Amit Sood says “In our effort to improve the present moment, we fail to appreciate how good it already is.”

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We become like the people we are around.

If they convey their anxiety to you, it becomes yours, too.

Negative people have a way of showing us the wrong way to look at things and positive joyful people make us feel good even before we say a word.

Being able to communicate by text, email or social media tends to deprive us of being alive around others – that needs to be done in person.  My students in end of semester surveys are grateful that they were asked to put their phones away and focus on being in a classroom with others.

Just as a plant or tree seeks the sun to grow, we should seek surrounding ourselves with  positive people who help us feel alive.

Sometimes we are born into families that are not ideal or we’re in a chosen relationship with someone who saps us of our joy for living.

Like the tree, seek out people who help you grow.

I love this Jim Rohn quote:  “You are the average of the five people you spend the most time with.”

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You have already survived 100% of your worst days.

Every disappointment, setback, loss, embarrassment, failure, heartbreak, health scare, and difficult season you’ve faced brought you to this moment.

Viktor Frankl writing from a Nazi concentration camp said “Everything can be taken from a man but one thing: the last of the human freedoms—to choose one’s attitude in any given set of circumstances.”

In other words, your track record for getting through difficult times is perfect.

Not because you’ve never been hurt. Not because you never struggled. Not because you always handled things well.

Because you kept going.

You don’t have to know how everything will work out. You only have to believe that you’ve overcome hard things before—and that you’re capable of doing it again.

As Frankl reminds us “When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves.”

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The BMG record label EVP Recorded Music exec JoJamie Hahr didn’t get to the top of her trade by waiting for opportunity to come to her – she relentlessly pursued her goals.

She told a classroom of my NYU music business students that in one case, she kept sending ideas to the person she wanted to hire her – that’s the difference between chasing after opportunities or willing them to happen.  Of course, you know – how could anyone resist that.  She got that job and was on the way to what eventually would be her dream job in the record industry.

There’s a difference between looking for opportunities and creating them.  We all have the ability to succeed and the secret is never, ever stop trying to get what you want.

“Opportunities don’t happen. You create them.” — Chris Grosser

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Travis Langan, an off-duty FDNY firefighter and former U.S. Marine, was driving home last week when powerful floodwaters overwhelmed parts of the Jackie Robinson Parkway. He spotted several cars nearly underwater and immediately pulled over.

One of those drivers was elementary school principal Carmen Pinto, whose Tesla had stopped working as floodwaters rapidly filled the vehicle. She tried to open the doors, roll down the windows, call 911 — nothing worked. The water kept rising.

Langan saw her face pressed against the sunroof and started punching through it with his bare fists. He grabbed a Yeti cup Pinto handed him, smashed through the remaining glass, and pulled her out alive.

On Friday, the pair reunited at FDNY headquarters, where Langan was honored by NYC Mayor Zohran Mamdani and FDNY Commissioner Lillian Bonsignore.

Pinto was emotional. She noted that Langan had a pregnant wife and daughters waiting for him at home.

Heros are everywhere independent of politics, race or gender which lifts us all up.

“If it were my family, I hope someone would do the same.” — Travis Langan

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I saw an article the other day that basically said don’t even try being happy and there is, in a way, a lot of evidence that this sentiment has something to it.

Harold Kushner wrote in his book When All You’ve Ever Wanted Isn’t Enough: “Happiness is a butterfly—the more you chase it, the more it flies away from you and hides. But stop chasing it, put away your net and busy yourself with other, more productive things than the pursuit of personal happiness, and it will sneak up upon you from behind and perch on your shoulder….”

The brain doesn’t do happiness.  It keeps us safe.  Micropractices train the brain to make us happy while we engage in other pursuits.

“The happiest people I know are people who don’t even think about being happy. They just think about being good neighbors, good people. And then happiness sort of sneaks in the back window while they are busy doing good.” 

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I asked my music industry mental health class to work with me on a drill – think about the worst thing you could say about your best friend (believe me, they hated this, but stay with me).  I asked for volunteers to share the insults – and a few brave souls started.  But these “insults” were tame.  So, I asked them to dig deeper.  A few more volunteers piped up.  When we were done, I suggested that it is so hard to insult someone you like, love or respect but why is it so easy for us to come down so hard on ourselves.

Then I asked for bulletproof statements:  tell me something about you that no one could challenge and we filled the room with positivity that lifted all of us.  I got answers like “I’m dependable”, “I care”, “I’m a great listener”.

It’s easy but not helpful to be our worst critic – a little more love for ourselves and some grace could change the way we feel.

As Brené Brown puts it “Talk to yourself like you would to someone you love.”

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That’s the message Lynn Anderson’s “Rose Garden” delivered (“Along with the sunshine there’s gotta be a little rain sometime”).  Being a broadcaster, I’ve done my share of weather forecasts and while Mother Nature does as she pleases, we don’t have control over a lot of things in life.  Amit Sood, the Mayo Clinic physician and resilience expert likes to think of it like this – we can’t control the snow, but we can carry an umbrella.

Some things are just out of our control and yet we give up a lot of happiness moaning about it.  But we always have some control and that is reason for great optimism.

Jon Kabat-Zinn is the founder of the Mindfulness Based Stress Reduction Program – he says “You can’t stop the waves, but you can learn to surf.”

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MacKenzie Scott, the former wife of billionaire Jeff Bezos gave away $7 billion of her share of the fortune in 2025 – more than her husband gave away in his lifetime. $471 billion was given by others to U.S. charities in 2020.  All in all, an estimated $1 trillion in kindness every year.

Oxford University researchers asked more than 600 volunteers to perform a small act of kindness every day for one week – nice little things, not measured by money – things like picking up litter or leaving a slightly bigger tip and they found that the good-deeders were measurably happier than the control group who went about their lives as usual.

We know two things:  the brain’s that main purpose is to keep us safe can be programmed by little micro-practices to do other things including be kinder. The benefits go both ways.

“No act of kindness, no matter how small, is ever wasted.” 

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We’re living among people who wear earbuds, noise-cancelling headphones and the many distractions that come with a phone in our hand.  My students show up to class connected elsewhere until we put our phones away (me, too).

Others are often waiting for someone (us?) to break the ice.  We can show compassion by understanding that we are not the only ones who have to overcome daily challenges in life.  We do meet-and-greets before every class and judging from student input at the end of the semester, they like it (“all classes should do this”).  Since the pandemic we have been less likely to start a conversation than prior.  No special skills are required.  Everyone has the ability.  By recognizing that humans crave social interaction in person, we can be the one who goes first.

“The greatest gift you can give someone is your undivided attention.” (attributed to Richard Moss, physician and author).

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