When an act of thoughtfulness or kindness is rebuffed, it can lead to hurt feelings.

An invitation to a party or dinner that is presumed to be accepted ends with the invitee texting at the last moment that they’re not attending. 

Or worse yet, a no show.

We’re more connected than ever so you would think that we would be communicating better.

When we outsource our feelings to other people, we are asking for trouble. 

Be the fine person you want to be.  Reach out to others fearlessly.

And here’s the key, expect nothing in return.

Dale Carnegie, the father of human relations always said, expect ingratitude.  Should you be dealing with a grateful person, consider yourself lucky.  But most people are not used to being grateful even when you are doing them a favor or showing them an act of kindness.

Lowering your expectations but keeping yourself motivated to be the person you want to be is the reward.

Anyone else’s response is simply an additional validation.

Don’t let the ignorance of others change your kind nature or force you to build walls that will alienate you from others.

“Most people return small favors, acknowledge medium ones and repay greater ones – with ingratitude” – Benjamin Franklin.

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Dove soap commissioned an artist to sit with his back toward his subject and draw her image using only her own description of herself.

Next, he sketched the same person using a description given by someone else. 

In every case, the second sketch was more flattering than the one based on the subject’s own description of herself.

The usual faults were mentioned – large foreheads, wrinkles, big jaws, protruding chins and yet someone else saw beyond the flaws to describe beauty.

Why should we care?

How we feel about ourselves impacts not only us but those close to us, our loved ones and children.  We have the power to free our children from the same burdens we may have given ourselves if we change our attitudes.

The Dove project was inspired by research that showed only 4% of women considered themselves beautiful.

Today is a good day to begin to appreciate what we like about ourselves not what we don’t like.  

Here is a short video of the Dove artist doing both sketches.  It will touch you and may change your life.

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Thomas Edison is said to have tried thousands of different filaments before he invented the first lightbulb that would last.

That’s a lot of setbacks.

Often, we give it our best once or twice and then conclude our goal is out of reach.

But what would happen if we would not be denied?

Sports teams that are playing well and then suddenly come upon hard times begin to have the air siphoned out of them.  It’s almost as if it cannot be stopped.

But it can.

Expect setbacks and, in fact, look forward to them. 

Why do I say this? 

Because every successful person will tell you that a setback is the main reason for their success therefore our setbacks are no different.

Golfing great Jack Nicklaus interviewed recently by Charlie Rose said that losing taught him to win.

Nicklaus won more major golf tournaments than any other player in the history of the sport.

Yet he finished second 19 times! 

And worse than second many more times.

When we decide to expect setbacks and welcome them for the good news that are likely to bring us tomorrow, we have finally discovered how to turn a setback into a comeback.

“I’m always making a comeback but nobody ever tells me where I’ve been” – Billie Holiday

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1. Lower expectations

2. Start thinking more about your accomplishments

3. Find something or someone to make you laugh

4. Repeat this quote over and over:  “Nothing is worth more than this day” (Goethe)

5. Dream about the good day that is coming soon

6. Name 5 things that you are grateful for this minute.  If you can’t, try harder.

When we are having a bad day, we could be rehearsing for a good one.

It’s up to us.

“I’ve missed more than 9000 shots in my career. I’ve lost almost 300 games. 26 times, I’ve been trusted to take the game winning shot and missed. I’ve failed over and over and over again in my life. And that is why I succeed” – Michael Jordan

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When I taught the Dale Carnegie Course, the magic formula for those ready to take on their fears was the phrase “do the things you fear to do and the fear will go away from you”.

Sooner or later most of us get tired of living a fearful life.

We’re ready to step up and try something new.

Changing jobs, accepting a relationship that cannot be saved, our phobias, insecurities, irrational thoughts and all the ways we terrorize ourselves needlessly.

The price we pay for fear and worry is high, indeed – both physical and mental.

So if today is your day to confront a fear to get the monkey off your back, do the thing you fear to do and that fear will go away from you.

As Dale Carnegie said: 

“Remember, today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday”.

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A young relative of two Boston Marathon bombing victims nearly brought me to tears when I heard her interviewed on the BCC World Service the other day.

Mature, kind, composed and grateful just begins to sum up her comportment.

She said that her sisters, one of whom lost both legs and the other riddled with shrapnel were doing fine.  The one lit up when the man who helped her after the explosion visited her at the hospital she was in.  The victim now considers this person – a previous stranger – one of the family for life.

Several other people who came to their aid asked not to be identified.  They were not seeking publicity or praise. 

And so the stories go – the good ones, the ones about random acts of kindness, bravery and compassion right in the middle of this premeditated act of terror.

Terrorist attacks and senseless killings rightly bring the focus to evil people in a world that makes us feel in peril.

But goodness is already superseding evil.

Healing begins when we focus on how good people can be without being asked when they are needed.

It is a triumph of hope over fear.

Good over evil.

Fred Rogers who played Mister Rogers on the PBS children’s show Mister Roger’s Neighborhood had just the right thought:

“When I was a boy and I would see scary things in the news, my mother would say to me, ‘Look for the helpers. You will always find people who are helping’”.

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The winner of last weekend’s Master’s Golf Tournament, Adam Scott, came through under pressure to win the title, the green jacket and vault Australia into the winners column at the event for the first time.

But that’s not the way it was less than a year ago for Scott at July’s British Open where he choked miserably at the end.

Some great people somehow manage to let pressure get to them.  Fellow countryman Greg Norman blew a six-strike lead in 1996 at the Masters.

What we learn is that losing helps our resolve. 

Helps make us rehearse in our minds how we will deal with pressure the next time it confronts us.

In our daily lives, stress is a major factor.  When the stakes are high, stress is greater.

In a post-match interview, the young Scott said that with the weather turning bad and the opportunity that his playoff partner had given him it was time to just go out there and get it done.

That’s it.

When pressure envelops us, go out there and get it done.

“There is a lot of pressure put on me, but I don’t put a lot of pressure on myself. I feel if I play my game, it will take care of itself” – LeBron James

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A friend of mine recently shared a childhood story that resonated loud and clear.

She recalled fond memories of sitting around her family’s Kansas City dinner table and hearing her father ask the same question every day: 

“What’s the best thing that happened to you today?”

Dad wouldn’t accept, “I made it through the day” as an answer or the stock reply “nothing”.

Something more meaningful was required – more specificity.

The children were being positively programmed to see good routinely no matter what else life was offering on its menu that day.

Increasingly families don’t eat dinner together and when they do they don’t enforce the “no digital devices” rule.  Eat, talk and build your self-esteem.

Gratitude is like penicillin.  It cures most everything and unlike penicillin, no one is allergic to gratitude.

So, for one day only – try this.

Ask those you care about, “What’s the best thing that happened to you today?”  And don’t grade it, make fun of it or dismiss it because you are saving a lot of money on psychologist bills.

And while you’re at, for one day only, ask yourself the same question.

“Acknowledging the good that you already have in your life is the foundation for all abundance.” – Eckhart Tolle

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It’s hard to find a person who doesn’t want to improve – to make real changes in their lives.

It’s also hard to find many who have a plan for effecting that change.

That’s because change is difficult.  It requires an understanding of the problem or situation and a game plan to respond.

But often that is the easy part, believe it or not.

The hard part is sticking to the plan.

Change never happens overnight.  Sometimes you have to work hard to nudge things just a very little.  Folks get discouraged and frequently give up.

Significant change comes when you succeed as little as 10% of the time.

You’re ability to live in the present, for example, is improved greatly if you fail at 90% of the things you’re trying, but succeed at only 10%.

Same is true in sports.

Your golf game gets better not when you hit the ball like The Masters champion but when you hit the ball 10% better than you used to.

So, try the 10% rule and stick with it.

Oh, one more thing.

It’s really hard to know what exactly 10% better is so be prepared for much more then start by setting a realistic goal.

“When you’re trying to motivate yourself, appreciate the fact that you’re even thinking about making a change.  And as you move forward, allow yourself to be good enough” – Alice Domar

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While speaking to a class of college students, one young man who coveted a career as a musician, asked me “When is it time to give up on your dream?”.

Apparently his father, a college math professor, wanted him to have a career with a more substantial and predictable income stream.  A valid thought for a parent, for sure.

However my answer was: never stop chasing your dream.

But, he replied, “How do I make a living?”

I cautioned not to confuse making a living with following your dream.  Sometimes they are the same.  Sometimes they are not.

As long as we live on this earth and have the ability, why would we knowingly decide to throw our hands up and stop going after that which ignited our passions.

No employer, no mate, no friend, no enemy has the right to prevent us from chasing our dreams. 

Because today’s dreams are tomorrow’s accomplishments.

Dreams help enhance our self-esteem.

And perhaps more importantly, our dreams today lead us on the next great adventure tomorrow.

Say it – display it – embrace it.

“You have to speak your dream out loud” – Kelly Corrigan

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