When we’ve been hurt, it is understandable that it may take some time to put that hurt behind us.

Some people eventually do.

Some don’t.

The ones who don’t turn into the same person who hurt them in the first place when they hang on to the vitriol of being the victim as justified as it may be.

To be sure, we forgive others for our own sake not for the others.

The animosity of a divorce or child custody battle, an insult, a betrayal, a hurtful deed or lie – these things can make us crazy.

Forgiveness for one’s own sake is a freeing thing.

But forgiving does not necessarily mean forgetting.  Two benefits of not forgetting are to remember that this person hurt us in some way and the other is to keep in mind what the deed was so we can remain on the lookout for it in others.

Minnesota Wild hockey player Dany Heatley was deemed responsible for a car accident that killed his friend and then former Atlanta Thrasher’s teammate Dan Snyder in 2003.

But Snyder’s family was very supportive of their son’s friend and told prosecutors and the judge that nothing could be gained by putting Heatly in prison.  The judge listened to the family.

If the family of a son with so much promise who was killed in an irresponsible act of driving recklessly can forgive the driver, what’s our problem?

“We are all human beings and we know that humans make mistakes.  We do not lay the blame on Dany Heatley for the accident that took our son from us.  Forgiveness is also a part of being human and we know that there is nothing to gain from harboring resentment and anger toward others” – Graham Snyder

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I once saw a radio news director of a Philadelphia radio station get fired and after laying out the company’s case before he was actually fired his boss asked him one question – “Can you tell me why you shouldn’t be dismissed?”

Remarkably, his answer was “No”.

In the converse, I have often thought if we were asked, “Why should you get a raise” that most of the responses would be about longevity, loyalty and time spent working for the company.

What employers want to hear – in any economy – is that our value exceeds what they are paying us.

So an excellent way to set up the pay raise meeting is to ask ourselves to name 5 ways we can be more valuable than we are today.  List them.  Work them.  Achieve them.

Employees know even better than their superiors what it takes to be more valuable than what they are paid.

When that meeting occurs, mention the newly acquired skills and a brief example of each one of them.

Some companies plainly will not offer raises and if that turns out to be true of where you work, you can then list these 5 newly acquired valuable skills with the other advantages of employing you and take them elsewhere.

For 11 more ways to get a raise, click here.

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I love the wisdom of Dale Carnegie who said it best when he wrote, “If you are wrong, admit it quickly and emphatically”.

For some reason human beings always want to be right but no one hits 1.000 in that department.

Admitting mistakes has even more value today than ever before because the emerging Millennial generation of which there are 80 million people coming of age puts a high value on authenticity.

The unbelievable hype of the Mad Men generation is no longer believed.

We want to know people who are real and who admit that they aren’t perfect.  In fact, the imperfections make our advantages look even more impressive.

So the worst thing we can do is to live like it’s 1999. 

Try for perfection.

Accept our best efforts.

And when we’re wrong, don’t waste an opportunity to be real and authentic.

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True friends are hard to come by.

We aggregate them on Facebook and gather them in our social circles but if we can count one true friend in our lifetime, we are extremely lucky.  Now, I’m not saying that the warmth and friendship of acquaintances is not valuable and rewarding.

I think you know what I mean.

We often overlook being our own best friend – the person who is always there for us, who never lets us down, who always tells us the truth.  Melody Beattie said, “If you want to meet the right person, you have to be the right person”.

And that applies to warm and close friendships.

So if we want to enrich our own lives, become your own best friend.

Some starting steps:

1. Laugh, dream, make plans.
2. Be positive and put a stop/loss on negative thoughts.  We can’t be our own best friend if we say negatives things about ourselves.
3. Instill in ourselves, the kind of qualities we would look for in a best friend.
4. Constantly move toward what we want to achieve – our dreams make us focus on that which is important.

“Stop looking out, start looking in, be your own best friend” – Van Halen

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Everyone has intuition.  Everyone.

Some of us don’t listen to our intuition because we may not like what we are thinking or we don’t have the confidence to believe it.

Intuition is that little voice inside that is never wrong when we allow ourselves to believe it.

When things work out well, few people say, “I heard a little voice inside my head”.  We usually refer to that little voice inside when we didn’t listen to it.

Nothing is more important than to consult with our own common sense before we make decisions.  And the more we do so, the more we build the confidence to hear even bad news from that little voice.

“I think we all have a little voice inside us that will guide us…if we shut out all the noise and clutter from our lives and listen to that voice, it will tell us the right thing to do” – Christopher Reeve

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The human condition is that every time we do something wrong, we make a mental note of it.

And if we forget, there is always someone there to remind us.

The most valuable IOU has nothing to do with money or possessions; this one is issued for doing something right – something successful.

For trying and not giving up.

For a good idea or accomplishment.

Why is making an IOU to yourself (in writing, on your smartphone or in your mind) so valuable?

Because you can use them as needed the next time you take on a challenging task, hit a rough spot in life or feel like life is getting out of control.

I do this all the time.  Even a small success needs to be remembered for future use.  It’s a self-perpetuating motivational tool that always pays dividends.

“Self-suggestion makes you master of yourself” — W. Clement Stone

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Ever use the phrase, “I hear you”?

Take it to the next level.

Listen to what others are not saying.  The thing you didn’t hear.

Often people say what others want to hear or what is appropriate at the time.  Sometimes, we don’t feel comfortable sharing things that turn out to be critical to be properly understood.

That’s why the little known communication skill we should acquire is to listen to the other side of silence.

Try it today.

First listen (and that can be a major breakthrough because when we think about communication between individuals we often think of speaking not listening).

Then, look for the possibilities that the other person is not articulating.

If someone tells you that they are fed up with their girlfriend, boyfriend or mate, listen for what’s not being said (i.e., “I’m scared to leave and start over”).

If you hear, “I can’t stand this job” you might listen for what may not be said which could be “I have lost my confidence to do the job”.

And even if someone close to you says, “We never agree on anything anymore” listen for what may be hiding in the statement (i.e., “You don’t listen to me”).

“One of the tasks of true friendship is to listen compassionately and creatively to the hidden silences. Often secrets are not revealed in words, they lie concealed in the silence between the words or in the depth of what is unsayable between two people” – John O’Donohue, Anam Cara: A Book of Celtic Wisdom

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When I was once down and out in my career, a friend of mine, Malcolm Rosenberg, tried to lend me $5,000 to help me avoid losing my house. 

At first, I refused to take it because I could not at that point imagine how I would ever pay it back.

After several tries over several days, he said, “Take it, pay me back if you can.  I am betting on you”. 

Such a deal I could not refuse and because of his compassion and belief in me, I kept my house and survived long enough to catch the next big break.

I said what you may have said at some point in your life, “I owe you” and Malcolm’s response sticks with me even to this day.

He said, “You owe everybody and everybody owes you – that’s the way to think about it because you don’t need a good memory to do the right thing”.

We seem to have no difficulty investing in IRAs and securities, but it is just as satisfying to invest in other people.

No cash, no problem. 

Offer a service, an accommodation.

And always, constant reinforcement in terms of support.

Adopting the attitude that people owe each other even if it is not money transforms the way we think and act.

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The big question interviewers always seem to ask in one way or another, “Where do you see yourself in 5 years from now?”

It is sometimes meant to be a trick question, but you should hope that they ask it.

The answer?

No one knows what will happen in five years.  I do hope to advance and achieve many goals along the way, but just as importantly, I want to make a difference today.

You’ve heard of living in the now.  This is working in the now.

Employers appreciate people who are honest and direct.  They like humility.  But they crave people who want to be of help immediately.

I can’t honestly recall being able to predict where I am today 5 years ago.  Too much changes – maybe even more today than ever before.

One thing never changes.

The desire to contribute from day one using the skills that you bring to the table now. 

This approach has worked for many of my USC students looking for their first post-graduate job and I wanted to share it with you for yourself, a friend or a family member.

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Why do we let others get into our heads to hurt us?

Yet it happens all the time.  Sometimes we know it’s going to happen and we still let other people drag us down.

A friend wrote to me a few months back and confessed, “I am a failure”.  How could he be so wrong?  Why allow this type of hurtful self-talk.

1. Even when we fail, we actually succeed IF we do not quit.
2. Never let anyone record a negative message in your brain.  Put it on hold immediately and banish the thought from your mind.
3. Consider compliments as validation of the good things you already think about yourself or else compliments can sometimes lead to co-dependence (when we crave what others say but need them to say it to actually believe it).
4. I have known more than one cancer patient who wouldn’t allow themselves the luxury of discouragement.  If they can avoid it, so can I.
5. The best advice I ever heard about dealing with discouragement is:  go to bed and sleep it off.  Wake up tomorrow ready to begin again.

“Defeat should never be a source of discouragement but rather a fresh stimulus” – Robert South

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