I saw dramatic evidence when I was a professor at USC that students were often their own worst enemies.

They became stressed because they cared about achieving at a high level and wanted so much to be worthy of working well with others.

Most of us can agree with this statement:  when something goes wrong, who do we blame first?  You’ll find that person in the mirror.  We’re living in a stressful age where a little compassion for one’s self can go a long way.

We must sensitize ourselves to have compassion for our own suffering the way we automatically do when we see another person’s pain.

1. Everyone makes mistakes; we cannot be perfect we can only try.  The greatest baseball hitter of his generation, Ted Williams, hit .406 one season – a modern day record.  That means he failed 60% of the time.  It’s okay.
2. Nurture your pain.  Often people who are hurt strike out in anger making it worse.  Even the phrase “I’m hurting right now” is enough to be curative if we can only remember to say it.
3. Avoid judging yourself.  When you don’t like what you’ve done, you can always change it.  That positive thoughts help to bring about that change. Holding on to negative thoughts brings us more discouragement and unhappiness.

Dieters who are harsh with themselves when they go off their diets often eat more and gain more weight, but research shows that those who got off their own case (not let themselves off the hook), resumed losing weight.  No problem.

Trade your own worst enemy for your own best friend and the benefits can be immediate.

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There is overwhelming evidence that shows emphasizing a person’s positive strengths greatly increases their productivity.

Dale Carnegie always said, “don’t criticize, condemn or complain” but apparently modern workplaces never got that email.

Some 20,000 employees of 34 companies were polled in 2002 by the Corporate Leadership Council.

When performance reviews focused on what employees were doing right, it resulted in a 35% improvement in performance.  Talk about the magic formula for motivating a team.

But when these employee reviews dwelled on their weaknesses, a 27% decline in performance was documented.

Even more useful to anyone who manages even one other person:

• According to a 2005 study reported in The Journal of Organizational Behavior, employees of an electronics and appliance store found that for achievement-oriented workers the best motivation was offering challenging opportunities.
• For employees with a low need for achievement, their hot button was greater autonomy, more free time or more social opportunities with fellow workers. 

Now we have these new, proven strategies for increasing productivity of those who work for us.

Let’s give them a try.

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We all know that gratitude cures a multiple of sins.

But how do we become more grateful?

Researchers at Harvard and other universities discovered a fascinating way for people in long-term relationships to boost gratitude.

One group of participants were asked to spend 20 minutes writing about how they met their partner – all the details on how they wound up together.

A second group was asked to write about how the couple may never have met  — never have ended up with each other.

When I tried this I recalled that I met my wife when I called a temp agency in Cherry Hill, NJ to send me “the nicest person in the world” to handle my office while I took my entire staff on the road to do seminars.  It was only supposed to be a one-week job.  My wife had never used a temp agency in her life and neither did I.  Can you see where this is going?

I’m happy to share this secret backed by research that I have learned with you today.

To increase your gratitude in long-term relationships focus on not being with that person and you will achieve a new level of gratitude.

Let me know what happens when you do.

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If you do nothing, nothing will happen.

There it is.

All the books, motivational speakers and pep talks later and we discover this gem of wisdom.

Even the best laid plans of mice and men often go astray as poet Robert Burns said.

Sometimes it’s a wakeup call or a life changing experience that makes us realize that life is so finite.

At any point – even today – we can log back onto life as author Amit Sood puts it.

You are not your thoughts and have the power to redirect them as you see fit.

Sood says, “the present moment is not a means to an end, it is the end in itself”.

For those who don’t yet know what makes them happy, there here is a starter’s guide.

Focus on the power of gratitude, compassion, acceptance, forgiveness that helps to focus beyond yourself and the “black holes” that rob us on the happiness we can have.

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Just as in forgiving others we do ourselves the biggest favor when we focus on doing acts of kindness, we become the real beneficiaries.

Every day for a week, keep a list of acts of kindness you do for others.  You can keep this on paper or on your iPhone or Android as an ongoing note.

Every act counts, large or small – enter it and keep a tally.

At the end of the week evaluate whether your acts of kindness increased as the days went on.  How did others receive your kind actions and just as important, how did they make you feel.

Were you happier? 

Did your self-esteem improve? 

Were you more grateful?

Often, the meaningful improvements in our lives do not come from becoming someone you are not but rather establishing a habit of being the fine person you are.

Even thinking about an act of kindness changes us for the positive.

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A mate who throws their clothes on the floor may not have bothered you when you first met, but when it starts to become an issue, it is likely that the issue is more than just about clothes.

In radio, a good program director knows that there are 15 to 25 key things that must be done immediately to turn a station’s fate around.  No time to waste.  They do these things first and fast.

Once these things are implemented, the program directors then turn to the larger tasks of building a morning show, creating contests, doing outside promotion and finding ways to attract audiences from competitors.

Marriage is not much different than turning around a radio station.

Unfortunately, in relationships couples often play from a weak hand instead of a bounty of already established strengths.  They try to become what they are not instead of returning to what made the other person fall in love with them in the first place.  This can lead to relationship disaster.

A recent Wall Street Journal article called “Spouse, Change Thyself” seemed to me to be the wrong direction.  Trying to be what you are not is a dangerous way to build a lasting relationship.  Change can occur, but not as a prerequisite for continuing the relationship.

Both partners should make a list of all the things that they think their partner liked (or loved) about them when they first met and assure that they do these things as often as possible.  First and fast.

Real change focused on more difficult issues tend to be realized when both parties are displaying more of their best qualities rather than struggling to be something that they may never be.

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My father used to love to read obituaries.

Growing up, I thought it morose but he was fascinated by all the things he didn’t know about the departed.  And journalists will tell you obituaries are among the best researched and written pieces in any publication.

A great way to build a more meaningful life is to take inventory on where you’re at today.  If an obituary was written about you now when you don’t need it, what would it say?

Accomplishments, shortcomings, what effect did your life have on other people close to you and those who came in contact with you.

Then live on in good health.

Adjust your goals and reprioritize how you use your time to make your time on this earth more valuable and rewarding.

People on their deathbed often lament the things they wished they had done if they could live their lives over again.

By writing an obituary you don’t need now, you get that second chance tomorrow.

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Harvard Medical School’s work on positive psychology is turning up some valuable coping mechanisms for reducing stress.

Positive outlooks help smooth out the ups and downs in life thus making it less stressful.

Here is the compelling evidence:

1. Gratitude – A 2003 study of people with chronic illness showed that when they kept a three week daily gratitude journal along with a rating form, positive changes were reported by significant others close to them plus they benefited physically, slept longer and woke up more refreshed.
2. Strengths – By articulating strengths rather than weaknesses, respondents improved their self-esteem and their moods.  Mind you, all this happened by simply taking inventory of their five signature strengths.
3. Savoring Pleasure – When participants in a 2008 study of depressed persons in the Netherlands focused on positive reminiscences, they began to think of their futures in a more positive light.
4. Flow – When you’re fully engaged in activities, you are less like to ruminate about disturbing thoughts.
5. Meaning – In a study, heart attack patients who blamed their heart attacks on others were more likely to have a second heart attack within 8 years but those who found some benefit in their health crisis such as appreciating life more were less likely to have a recurrence.
6. Mindfulness – The skin legions of patients undergoing treatment for severe psoriasis cleared more rapidly when they listened to audiotapes of mindfulness intervention during treatment sessions.

I find myself turning to Positive Psychology from Harvard Medical School ($26) for many ways to harness the power of happiness, mindfulness and inner strength.

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Legendary college basketball coach John Wooden who won 10 national titles in 12 years at UCLA loved to win, but he never talked about it to his players.

Instead, Wooden just told them this:

Maximize your potential. 

That way, it took the pressure off them and gave them peace of mind when they reached their full potential.

The genius of this approach is that when we chase someone else’s dreams, we often come up short.  Of course Wooden had some great players on his teams (Lew Alcindor known now as Kareem Abdul-Jabbar and Bill Walton to name a few).  But Wooden also had a championship team with no player taller than 6’5”.

This is great advice for us.

Keep your mind off winning – just being better.

Never try to be better than anyone else just be the best that you can be. 

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Morley Winograd and Michael Hais in their books about Millennials remind us that the reason Congress is so gridlocked in partisan politics is because the baby boomers who make up most of our elected representatives are an idealistic generation.

Their seminal moment was to be for the Vietnam War or against it and baby boomers seemed split down the middle on that issue.

They don’t tend to compromise and are not likely to start now even if they must lose their jobs as a result of sticking firmly to their views.

Millennials, some 95 million strong and coming of age, indicate what the future will be like.  

Find the common ground. 

The Millennial generation is more pragmatic and civic – let’s get something done.

Compromise has always been a winner in relationships, marriages and work with success going to those who can do it.

But increasingly compromising is not an option but a requirement.

We’re going to have to know how to find common ground and still hold our views – a skillset that is worth working on now.

One way to get started is to get a feeling for being more accommodating – look for opportunities to compromise on things.  See why the next generation embraces it so easily when it becomes a natural part of the way you think.

Look for opportunities to give more than you have to and you will begin to rehearse a major societal change that will be necessary in all human interaction.

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