Pursing compassion could make us happier than the pursuit of happiness.

Even in the self-absorbed world in which we live.

The author and physician Amit Sood relates a story from the 13^th century Roman Empire in which during an experiment ordered by Frederick II, a group of newborn children were to be deprived of the human voice.

Foster mothers took care of the children but they were forbidden to utter even a word to them.  All the babies died unable to live without the compassion that is necessary for survival.

In other studies altruistic adolescents who were encouraged to be compassionate had better mental health as adults even decades later.

Chemicals in the brain change when we are compassionate.

And compassion can be learned.

Feeling for others, even people with whom we disagree or dislike, promotes compassion in us.

Making your life’s goal being the fine person that you are has many benefits.

In the end, we receive the gift by first giving it.

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People seem to be programmed to be unhappy.

Happy people have a plan to circumvent programmed unhappiness.

Maybe it’s the economy or maybe just a changing world but dissatisfaction on the job is rising.

Here are good reasons to quit your job and move on:

• Lack of workplace respect for the special person you are and the diversity you may bring to the job.
• Habitually overburdening you with a workload that prevents you from doing your best.
• Lack of growth potential.  I always say, if you could write the real job description for the job you just accepted one year later, you might not have applied for the job in the first place.
• No respect for you, your family and your co-workers.  A company that doesn’t respect people is a company you want to leave.  Nothing good can come from staying on.
• An unusually long time without a fair pay raise.
• The inability to give real input on the job you are asked to perform.
• Your dream has changed in which case pursue it with all the vigor you can muster being ready to make whatever sacrifices you might have to make.

And here are reasons not to quit your job:

• Disliking an employer, boss or co-workers (with the exception of someone who is physically or mentally abusive).  Never let anyone push you out of a job you love because they are mean and disrespectful, immature or selfish. Outlast them.  They will soon be gone.
• For more money – unless – you love the job so much you would in your heart of hearts take it for less money.  That’s a better yardstick. Leaving for a raise often ends ugly.
• Waiting to retire.  Why punish yourself?  Work each day as if it was your first day on the job.  Aspire don’t retire.

Every summer while on vacation I consider myself a free agent and I spend a little time alone each day to determine if I want to do the same thing next year that I did last year (I know, I own my own business – I still do it). 

We shouldn’t just don’t put our lives and careers on autopilot. 

We are in charge.

We are all free agents not slaves to employers or to our misguided desires.

Knowing you want to continue in what you have been doing for another year or recognizing that you want to change, can be transformative.

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Helicopter moms who hover around their children are being replaced by an even more pervasive force.

Snowplow moms plow their way through their children’s lives actively doing things for them that they would be better learning to do for themselves.

Honestly, parental involvement is a good thing.

But it is better to give children the tools to succeed rather than take so active a part in their lives.

Many of my students at USC had overinvolved parents whom they loved dearly and accepted their active involvement in their lives.

But Millennials – the generation under 30 – are the most stressed generation ever.  They feel the pressure of wanting to succeed in tough times for themselves and for their parents.

The best way to help young people is to resist the temptation to do for them that which they can learn to do for themselves.

Another gift is to tell them they will fail.

That’s right – you will fail.

Just as your favorite athlete and team fails because the game of life is not about winning every day.  It’s about performing at a high level and learning from defeat.

These few thoughts cannot only motivate young people to embrace life’s victories and defeats, it reminds all of us to do the same.

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Here’s a great way to find out.

If you were to suddenly come into money – say $100,000, who would be happiest for you?

Who would not want anything from you?

Who would not be at all jealous?

Which person would share your joy?

That is likely the best friend you have.

In spite of social media misleading us to think that we have hundreds or thousands of “friends”, the only real friends are the ones who always put your interests before theirs.  Who takes pleasure in your good fortune.

By these standards, we should consider ourselves fortunate if we have but one friend like this.  And if there are more, these folks are your prized possession – the people who deserve the same consideration in return.

Acquaintances are many.

True friends are rare.

Value the small circle of people who mean the most to you.

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I am such a fan of Lena Dunham, actor, writer and producer of the HBO series “Girls”.  She artfully portrays the self-absorption of her Millennial generation.  Great characters.  Most of whom seem unhappy or unfulfilled in some way.

But wait!  It’s not just Millennials – everyone seems to be self-absorbed. 

We want what we want when we want it. 

We are always right. 

I want you to listen to me.  I don’t want to listen to you.

Trying to get others to focus on your happiness is a losing strategy.

Spend your time and resources making other people happy.

It is the only way to achieve personal happiness.

It’s about them.

Not you.

And never the other way around.

Last person to figure this out and take corrective measures gets to be miserable longest.

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Finding fault with others can consume much of our lives preventing us from happy moments.

There are two choices.

Accept others the way they are.

Or try to change them.

It is a zero-sum game that almost everyone plays.

Acceptance is the only answer because to change another person is impossible even if they appear to be altering what they think.

Thought of another way – for every person we try to change, we are committing ourselves to a life of unhappiness. 

Even trying to change a person for her or his own good or because we want to be a good teacher is not a good use of our time.

By accepting others the way they are.

By showing compassion for the way they want to be.

Then and only then can you offer up a point of view that may be valuable to them later. 

Or maybe not.

If there is any doubt about this, just consider the last time someone changed your mind about anything before and if you were ready to do so.

You cannot enjoy someone you are trying to make over.

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We all have some form of attention deficit whether diagnosed or not.

Our world is full of distractions as life has amped up to a faster pace driven by the immediate gratification of having the world (and our digital devices) in our hands.

When we phone life in by being partially present, we are giving away valuable time we can never get back.

One way to become more focused in this immediate climate is to put a finite number on the value of our time.

For instance, if your son or daughter is 15, they have fewer than 150 weeks before they go to college.  Remembering that will change the way you spend your time together.

If you see your parents once a year, keep focused that if they live to be 83 and they are 75 today, you may have only 8 more years to be in each other’s company.  Thinking about this helps you make the right decision about how to spend that time together.

I heard the story of a man who because of an accident was in traction in the hospital and rehab for six weeks.  That’s six weeks of agonizing confinement for an active person.  By figuring out how much 6 weeks was out of his expected lifetime, it put the inconvenience into perspective and made the experience more bearable.

We will never regret sending more text messages.

Why regret letting the happy moments that can be ours slip away if we will only just put in perspective how precious they are.

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Everything seems to be effortless in the beginning of a new relationship.

With the passage of time things tend to change but it does not necessarily mean you don’t love your partner as much as you once did. 

To fall in love all over again may be as simple as doing new things.

Routines can be good.  They help us get through our busy days, but when relationships suffer because they are routine, it’s time to shake it up.

• When returning home at day’s end, think of it as you returning after being apart a week or so.  Greet him or her with genuine anticipation that usually comes naturally after a long absence.
• Every time you do something routine (make dinner, watch TV, drive to Granny’s house, for example), add one new element in.  Make a new salad together one day.  Make popcorn with flavored seasoning on the popcorn while watching your favorite program.  Each person bring a mix of music that you think your spouse will like and play it on the way over.
• Come up with what you are grateful for while having coffee together at the beginning of the day and celebrate each other’s victories (large and small) together at the end of the day.

Couples usually get this right in the early stages.  This is how to rekindle it when the necessary routine of life dampens the spirit.

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Digital devices are not going away.

But friends are going to be harder to keep and family harder to keep close if those close to us do not get the same focused attention that a cellphone gets.

This is easier to see on someone else.

Watch how we stare with fixed focus at our cellphone screens – even if we have attention deficit.  Note how difficult it is to get a cellphone user who is texting to look up while they are in the process of pounding out the message.

In Philadelphia a few weeks ago, a teenager was hit by a train while walking along the tracks as he was texting on his phone. 

Even with the engineer blowing the whistle constantly and the screech of jamming on the breaks. 

True story.

Your cellphone has just taught you the secret to unlocking more productive relationships with others.

Focus attention on people the same way you stay riveted to a text message, email or an app.

Digital devices are tools – not a way of life. 

But they are altering relationships – and not necessarily for the better.  To fix the problem, you won’t have to look very far.

Don’t give up using your digital devices.

Just give people the same focus you give your cellphone.

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This one thing makes you more powerful than money, status or even luck.

When I was studying communication in college, there were the “obvious” choices for “most likely to succeed” and then some who you could never imagine ever becoming successful.

Wrong.

The “most likely to” had no lock on future success but no one was able to know the depth of desire that would drive the least apparent candidates to ultimately succeed.

As a professor at The University of Southern California I warned students to be the voice of encouragement. 

Make that belief palpable.  They would feel great about themselves and make the best investment in their futures by being a force for change.  And it’s the ultimate networking.

Start today.

Show endless encouragement in words and actions.

Bet on others not against them.

The payoffs are immediate.

And yes, start with yourself.

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