The Dalai Lama has a suggestion that really works.

Think of everyone as a young child.

Doing that allows you to be more patient and understanding with the people in your lives and dealing with their issues that may be affecting you.

Imagine the compassion that most of us automatically have for young children that we do not have for adults who make us miserable.

Once we think about the things that compel other people to cause unhappiness we can’t help but to be more compassionate.

Use the patience we have with children to understand the motivation of those who are seemingly impossible.

This approach is far superior to trying to change people (which never works) or calling them out for their shortcomings.

By seeing impossible people as a young child, they seem less threatening and allow us to understand the behavior that often upsets us.

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The upcoming holidays are supposed to be happy days.

After all we see media fantasies about a level of happiness that is simply not possible where human beings come together at a time of great stress.

Add family to that and we often have the recipe for unhappy holidays and worse yet relationship disasters that we pay for well into the next year.

Let’s change some of that this year.

1. These are your holidays, too.  You are not required to make yourself miserable and unhappy to make others happy.
2. Give for the sake of giving and don’t expect or even accept a report card for your efforts.  You have Thanksgiving dinner because it makes you feel good to do it.  You pick up a dinner check because you want to.  Keep expectations low and motivation high – giving is your personal reward.
3. With humans, expect ingratitude and when you get appreciation accept it as a special gift you were not expecting.
4. Troublemakers – sometimes in our own families – should not be encouraged.  Walk away and avoid fights because you will never win them and tolerating such behavior almost always encourages more bad behavior. And the holidays bring the crazies out of lots of families.
5. The best suggestion I ever heard to get around all the mayhem from holiday family gathers comes from the Mayo Clinic Physician Amit Sood who says take a moment to count the number of holidays you have left with family members – moms, dads, children, relatives and friends and just knowing there is only a finite number left will change the way you experience your time together.

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I came across a paper by Elizabeth Dunn titled “If money doesn’t make you happy, then you probably aren’t spending it right”.

Previously, I shared research that indicated that on average in the United States, the sweet spot for being happy on what you earn is $70,000 a year.  That may not sound like a lot of money but researchers found that making more than $70,000 on average did not increase happiness in the opinion of those who participated.  Obviously, the number to be happy in Hawaii is higher.

Dunn proposes 8 principles to help get more happiness for the buck.

1. Buy more experiences and fewer material goods.
2. Use your money to benefit others rather than yourself.
3. Buy many small pleasures rather than fewer large ones.
4. Eschew extended warranties and other forms of overpriced insurance.
5. Delay consumption.
6. Consider how peripheral features of your purchases may affect your day-to-day life.
7. Beware of comparison shopping.
8. Pay close attention to the happiness of others.

So we know that making above a certain amount doesn’t make us any happier, but that there are at least 8 ways to get more bang for our buck on what we earn.

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People who seek attention, show jealousy, talk behind our backs or unfairly judge us somehow seem to win the attention nice people should be getting.

Why is that?

Sometimes you can bend over backwards to be thoughtful and nice – and yes, you get some gratitude but somehow the needy “drama queens and kings” get more positive attention.

That’s because society is addicted to bad news (duh-look online, TV news, haters, etc.).  No one cares about the nicest person in the world, attention always goes to the one with the most bizarre behavior.

This is apparently a human condition that is not very nice and it begs the question how should we act if the more difficult person gets the most positive attention.

In the end, it is not what others think of us but what we think of ourselves.

In my book Out of Bad Comes Good – The Advantages of Disadvantages I share my routine.  When shaving in the morning, I look in the mirror and ask, “Are you the person you want to be – honest, a friend, compassionate, ethical …?”

Remarkably, people who are centered in their own self-confidence and therefore less needy attract real admirers.

The world appreciates a person who is authentic in as many ways as possible.

You can sample Out of Bad Comes Good – The Advantages of Disadvantages at no cost here.

1. Nurture a few relationships that are important to you.  These people are your best resource for dealing with the basic human need for support when we face recovering from short or long-term anxiety problems.
2. Remember this quote from none other than Shakespeare:  “assume a virtue if you have it not”.  This is my favorite tool — my constant reminder to assume that I have what it takes in any situation instead of right away letting a thought creep into my mind that I don’t.
3. Not all anxiety is bad and it is amazing that we can tolerate more anxiety than we think, but when our health, quality of life or relationships start feeling the toll, seek professional help.
4. Sometimes anxiety is caused by expectations we, or others unfairly put on ourselves.  For every anxious thought, also include an appreciation of gratitude for that which we do right.
5. Anxiety makes us feel like we are losing control but the irony of life is that we gain control by giving up control.  Sometime this morning, try giving up control of something that bothers you and see how it feels.

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Our phones are in our palms.

Tablets and/or laptops nearby.

Social media on 24/7.

Looking for Instagram opportunities all around us.

And then, there is work.

The challenges of working in the office or virtual makes it a lot more difficult to power down when the day ends.

Because now, work never ends.

Unless we turn to our own devices.

1. Gradually disconnect from work activities at the end of the day – choose one at a time and in your mind power it off.
2. Set limits to accessing work after work hours.  Exceptions can be made but generally close the virtual door behind you when work is done.
3. A powerful alterative to shutting down is seeking more social interaction in person and through digital devices.  Just because we can be connected to work constantly doesn’t mean it is good for us so replace work with social things.
4. When work issues come up in off hours, make a digital note to deal with it first thing tomorrow.

Hard work is the road to success, but all work all the time isn’t beneficial for our careers, relationships or health.

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Haters are not just jealous.

They don’t necessarily want to be you.

They simply cannot be happy for success so they focus on something that is wrong about that which is good.

Or, something wrong about you.

Haters are a creation of the times in which we live – the unparalleled access to each other’s lives through social media connections and the digital lives we live.

Calling out haters just gives them more attention.

Using the word almost justifies their behavior.

I treat haters the way I treat jealousy although they are two separate things.

You’re going to have to trust me on this.  Okay?

Use compassion first and then you will shed them.

For example:  “I feel really sorry for him/her having to put me down when I have accomplished so much”.

The moment you do this – show compassion for their depravity.

You are responding (that’s good) instead of reacting (not so good).

Try it.

Share it with family and friends.

Nip haters the moment they strike by doing the one thing that neutralizes them – feeling sorry for their bad behavior.

And if the hating takes place on social media – go through the same drill privately.

Never give haters a larger platform to ruin your good thing.

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The one thing about successful people is that they are seemingly allergic to the word “no”.

When they hear it, they immediately get to work.

Some people become discouraged when they first hear “no”.

Dale Carnegie always said to get the other person to say yes, yes. That’s two yeses. And then you’re on your way.

Here’s how I see it:

1. Eliminate “no” from your vocabulary. When you hear it, start working to get to yes.       You may be surprised how good you can be at this.
2. When you are prevented from getting that which you want, welcome it. Really!       Because the more you hear “no” and the more you get working to accomplish your mission the more you really want it.
3. Nothing worth happening landed in the lap of anyone who didn’t fight naysayers along the way.
4. “No” is temporary. Yes is permanent.

If you don’t get the job you want, let the rejection propel you into doing what you must to get in on the next try.

If you’re not chosen, fight harder.

Lose the election? Try again.

The irony of a life well lived is that the things we value most are often out of reach until we step it up and prove to ourselves first how much we want it.

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You can never seem to do anything right.

They are the ones who take the credit.

They treat you like you are subhuman but expect that to motivate you.

They make you uncomfortable.

They are jealous.

It seems they want you to fail – it makes little sense.

Here’s the rule of thumb.

If you love your job but hate your boss, dig in and outlast that person because even the most powerful abuser of human spirit gets it in the end.

But if you can find fulfillment in a similar or different job elsewhere, leave with dignity and be more diligent about the type of person who will become your next employer.

In the radio industry over the past decade, good and loyal employees have been treated like slaves.  A bad economy and their love of radio have kept these fine people in harm’s way.

Millennials would rather quit a job where they are mistreated then continue working for someone they don’t respect.

This is forcing companies that want to succeed to change the way they talk to and work with employees.  After all, there are 95 million Millennials and it does matter what they think.

In the end, our careers are in our own hands.

Never let anyone get into your head and tamper with your dreams, your desires or self-esteem.

When that happens, it’s time to stop them.

No job is worth holding if you pay for it with the way you feel about yourself.

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There is almost no hurt greater than to lose a friend.

Friends are hard to come by.

We have many, many acquaintances in life but real friends can be counted on the fingers of one hand.

And yet, what was once so close can also inflict great hurt when a trusted friend turns on you.

I don’t know many people who have not experienced this pain – including young college students not just limited to adults who have lived a great deal of their lives.

There are no easy ways to nurture the hurt but there are ways to get back on track after the loss of a friend.

• There are many reasons for breaches in relationships – among the most likely is jealousy.  Plainly put, jealousy kills friendships.
• Leave the door open to reconciliation and forgiveness down the road if and when the offending friend also realizes the hole in their life that was created when they stopped being a friend.
• It is helpful to remember that your other friends need you and that they should not be subjected to undo ruminating over someone else’s loss.

Concentrating on being a friend is a better use of time than ruminating over the friend someone else wants you to be.

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