If those around us aren’t sometimes the most deadly influence in our lives then we are.

Negative thoughts, comments that deflate our confidence and the word “can’t” often rob us of happiness and success whether we hear it from others or ourselves.

It’s everywhere.

We’ve seen it and we’ve probably unwittingly done it to others.

But there is a workaround that turns negative energy back into a positive force for good.

1. Learn to put a stop/loss on negative comments (“you can’t do that”, “no one ever does that”, “you’re too young” (or too old), “that will never work”, etc.   I’m sure you can fill in the blank here.
2. Then once you’ve learned to recognize self-limiting language the moment you hear it, recycle failure talk into a type of motivational compost that will decompose and turn into the stuff that helps you grow and thrive (i.e., “I don’t care what she thinks, I’ll make that decision”, “I don’t feel too young, I can do this now”, “It doesn’t matter if no one has done this before, I’ll be the first”).

Always be on the lookout for self-limiting language in others and even more so in yourself.

The mind is more powerful than the deflating words of others and the self-destructive thoughts we often harbor in our heads.

Compost helps plants and flowers bloom.

Recycling the negative energy in our lives with a purpose helps us grow happier.

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Sometimes I hate to assume that things will always go my way.

I’m writing this on a plane that has Wi-Fi in the back, but not in the front.  Can I give my upgrade back?

Or that something or someone you are looking forward to disappoints.

And when an employer fails to appreciate our extra efforts even when we have saved their bacon.

Sometimes an illness, personal tragedy, relationship or family crisis can not only ruin a day and adversely alter the course of our lives.

But there is much that we can do.

1. Problems cannot always be solved right away so a better use of our time and effort may be simply understanding and dealing with a disappointment, crisis or problem.
2. Avoid the temptation to expect that nothing else will go wrong because when something goes wrong, something else always seems to follow closely behind.  I use the imagery of a baseball team out in the field.  Those players never stand there and say, “don’t hit the ball to me, I might make an error”.  It’s the other way around.  They want the ball so we should say, bring it on, I’m ready.
3. Allow for sadness or disappointment, because it can be curative if we don’t dwell on it.

Life is like a roller coaster with ups and downs.

Some ups take us to new heights.

Some downs are really a test of new depths.

Most are bumps up and bumps down.

It’s the relatively small price we pay for all the good things that happen to us day in and day out while we are otherwise distracted by life getting in our way.

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Last week a 12-year old Florida girl committed suicide after years of being taunted on social media by her friends.

Her parents pulled her out of school, changed schools and sought psychological help, but in the end even that didn’t work.

This pretty and intelligent girl who had to quit the cheerleading squad among other activities because of this bullying decided one day not to get on the school bus and keep walking to an abandoned building where she ascended a tower and jumped to her death.

News accounts say there may be as many as 15 people who went to social media to encourage the young victim to kill herself and authorities are considering whether to formally charge them with a crime.

Cyberbullying is more common than we think and even when it doesn’t end in the ultimate tragedy, it adversely affects young people at a time in their lives when they are trying to build self-confidence.

What’s a parent to do?

1.    Don’t be so fast to put cellphones in the hands of children.  Admittedly there is a lot of parental and peer group pressure to do so, but resist it.  Be a parent.

2.    Closely monitor screen time and put parental safeguards in place.  Unfortunately, this victim’s parents did that but the message still got through on her mobile devices.

3.    Teach self-confidence by example.  We teach sports.  And how to dress, clean your rooms, etc.  Why not teach self-confidence.  The best way I have found is to cultivate the culture of looking into the mirror and giving gratitude for what you have while you stare into your own eyes.  Try it.  It’s powerful.

4.    By example show young people the positive power of social media – a massive tool that also helps build self-esteem when used properly.

Here is a little story I favor that may be helpful.

For some reason some people feel emboldened when they communicate via email and social media.  They say cowardly things that they would never say in person – I’m speaking about adults, now. 

Most online insults are not replicated face to face because bullies are weak people without the courage to speak their evil in person.

99% of people are good and mean well and for everybody else you stand up to a bully by rejecting them.

Before the digital age that might mean pushing them back.

Today, we delete them and their inappropriate comments.

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Norman Cousins was a prolific author who found himself battling cancer. 

His prognosis was not good.  His imminent death was inevitable.  It was only a matter of time.

Somewhat resigned to his fate, Cousins ordered the nurses to allow him to bring in old Marx Brothers comedies to be viewed on an old fashioned movie projector from his hospital room – obviously, this was before the digital age.

From all accounts, Cousins passed the time waiting to die watching the zany Marx Brothers go through their antics.

There was only one problem.

Cousins forgot to die.  In fact, he lived to hear his doctors say that, miraculously, he was cured.

A one-time oddity?

Many years later Cousin had a heart attack and was being transferred by ambulance to a local hospital.  The attendants tried to reassure him that everything would be fine but Cousin’s told the EMTs not to worry because he’d just keep laughing and would not die.

Again, he escaped death.

Many physicians will testify that a person’s attitude toward adversity has a positive effect on their psychological as well as physical heath. 

But the time to keep our sense of humor is long before we face adversity because some laughter each day will also keep the doctor away.

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If you’ve ever attended a motivational program, read an inspirational book or saw a movie that inspired, you know first hand how effective a shot of positive energy can be.

Unfortunately, the buzz doesn’t always last long.  It’s often not transformational.  Life goes on when we forget the positive message.

When we hear something inspirational, motivational or down right life changing, how do we give it legs so its sticks with us?

“The road to life is always under construction” – one of my favorite inspirations because it shows that work ethic is good enough and that accomplishing the end goal is not necessary to be successful or even productive.   

“Make a life not a living” always sets me straight because it takes my type A personality and reminds me that if I turn it lose on personal matters not just career, my private life can be better.

“Be the fine person you are” was uttered by my best friend years ago and it sticks with me to this day because it reminds me that I don’t always have to be what other people expect of me to be a good person.

So here’s how I recall these life-changing inspirations and integrate them into my life.

I make them a short phrase or sentence.

Attach a benefit – you will see in my quotes above the benefit that is forever attached to the words.

One more thing.

There is inspiration all around us.  I get it every day when readers of this blog show gratitude for the writing.  I try to write back and share a benefit I received from their kind gesture.

The pep talk always works when it is short, memorable and has a specific benefit attached.

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Last week Robin Quivers, Howard Stern’s radio sidekick for the majority of his career, went on the air to say that she had been battling cancer for the past year.

The man known as a “shock jock” was visibly moved as he told the audience that he thought “we lost her”. 

Quivers said she had great doctors who helped her heal and that recently she was told by the doctor that she was – in her words – “cured”.

For the past year Quivers was working from a studio in her home and remained unseen on the video feed of Stern’s SiriusXM show. 

Great doctors had a lot to do with Quivers’ recovery.

But the line that was most touching and most memorable was when Quivers said, “People don’t understand how the people who love them save their lives.”  I love that.

Fighting illness is a tough job but medicine can only go so far.

The love of others is often the elixir that aids in extending life and making it better.

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Airlines are awful these days. 

And cable operators act as if they don’t care. 

Even your local doctor’s office may be not be immune to this disease we call “consumeritis” or poor customer service.

If you’re like me, you’ve been driven to the brink by people who seemingly don’t care and by customer service that is an affront.

But I share with you a technique I learned that is better, more effective and often leaves the purveyor of bad customer service more responsive and nicer.

It’s built on the kind of good human relations we value but it provides an effective way to stand up and be heard like never before.

1. Write or email the Vice President of Poor Service at the offending company or provider.  Do not call or text.  You can use Yelp and other social media to gain the attention of some companies that keep an employee watching for angry consumers but that’s not what I am talking about here.
2. It doesn’t matter if the poor service company or provider has or doesn’t have a Vice President of Poor Service – more often than not the person on the receiving end will see that your letter gets to precisely the right person – something consumer’s rarely know. 
3. Write “confidential” on the envelope if using snail mail and “confidential” in the email text at the top.
4. Clearly state the problem without attacking the person who screwed up, the company or the industry.  Stay focused.
5. Give the Vice President of Poor Service a reputation to live up to with lines like “you probably value customer service as much as I do but sometimes things fall through the cracks and help is needed”.
6. Clearly state what you want in one line – no more than two.
7. Thank the Vice President of Poor Service for taking the time to read your message or letter and provide your contact information.

Writing to the Vice President of Poor Service has worked successfully for me for many times.

Once my office staff complained bitterly about the Pepsi machine in our cafeteria area that never worked right.  After making many complaints to the Pepsi Cola Bottler in Pennsauken, NJ to no avail, I wrote to the Vice President of Poor Service at Pepsi. 

One day my secretary called me out of a meeting to say that Roger Enrico, then the CEO of PepsiCo, was on the phone. 

Who knew that Enrico himself was the Vice President of Poor Service?  Such letters are usually sent up the chain of command not down as often happens when you go to the top and complain to a CEO.

Enrico proceeded to tell me personally that PepsiCo will not tolerate unhappy customers and he said he told the local distributor to replace the machine and keep it filled and working without fail.  Enrico said to call him if they screwed up again.

Then the local distributor called to apologize and beg me not to call Enrico with any further problems and he provided me with his home phone number.

Can anything that started so bad end so good?

If you have positive experiences like this and would like to share your advice, feel free to comment below and next time you get your ire up, try the 7 steps above as a very effective alternative that gets results.

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The gift of your time.

It doesn’t really cost us anything.

It makes others feel better.

And in giving our time we receive the benefits as well.

Lawyers and other professionals keep a log of their billable hours for commerce purposes.

If we kept a log of our time, how much of it would go to someone who is not paying us for it?

“You give but little when you give of your possessions. It is when you give of yourself that you truly give” – Kahlil Gibran

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Money won’t do it.

Botox won’t either.

And power may actually turn people away.

The most reliable and predictable way to make others like us, no – love us – is to increase our humility.

Few think of things this way, but then again the world is increasingly filled with unhappy rich, successful and powerful people that others don’t like.

I know a wealthy TV personality who not only hands out gift cards to restaurants at holiday time to support personnel he comes in contact with daily, but stops and talks to everyone – from guard to janitor the other 364 days a year – calling them by name, inquiring about their families and showing genuine interest.

Or the surgeon who slips away on “vacation” to perform clef palate operations for needy children here and in other countries.

If we were judged not on how much money we have, or how much power we possess but by how humble we try to be, what would be our grade?

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We have no problem buying a giant drink or a large portion of food when we’re hungry.

So could the menu for life be ordering up more of what we like the best?

Educators say, education is one of the few things in life where we want as little as possible for the money.  How many classes can I miss? 

Try that when you buy a car:  “Do I have to take the air conditioning that was included for the price of this vehicle”?  That’s never going to happen.  We’ll take as much as we can get for the money.

Life is no different.

Time to supersize life by doing more of the things that we want to do – the things that bring us pleasure, make us feel worthwhile, connect us to more people.

1. If you don’t like your work, do something about it.  Work consumes the largest amount of our time so if we hate it, no wonder we’re not loving life.  Accept no excuses.  Don’t make any.  Pursue a new path.
2. Spend more time with people you like and less time with people you don’t like.  I know, we can’t choose our relatives and sometimes we like our jobs but hate our bosses.  Think of it like this, if we increased the amount of time we spend with the people who make us happier, we’ve taken a second positive step toward supersizing our life.
3. Always have something to look forward to.  My office is on a golf course and I often see the same people playing the same course over and over again.  They look miserable (Ha! They probably look up at me at my desk and say the same thing).  Never live a moment without something to aspire to – a new place to go, a new friend to make, something you’ve never experienced before.
4. Finally, see how many accomplishments you can have each day.  A new recipe, solving a problem that has been plaguing you, breaking a sales record.  Accomplishments – not just big ones but little ones – all feel the same.  Good.

Four steps to a happier, more fulfilling life that is possible right now.

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