It is no accident that marriage counselors have their work cut out for them when couples show up with issues.

Almost always – one of those problems is a lack of communication.

So, counselors do what they can to get both sides to communicate effectively and honestly and learn to listen to what is being said.  Often it is too late.

I thought the way to a person’s heart was through their stomach.

Not quite.

Or passion.

That, too.

The best marriage advice I ever heard was “learn to be a good listener”.  Some people are born with this skill.  Most of us have to work on it – if we’re smart.

Being a good listener doesn’t mean not having an opinion.

It doesn’t even mean agreeing or giving in.

The heart can only feel what the senses arouse and one of the best – if not the best way to stir up feelings of love is to learn to listen.

Some thoughts:

• Wait until the other person stops speaking, pause a beat (a few seconds or more) and then talk.
• Respond — don’t react.  Reacting is what buys us even more trouble.
• The goal is to learn how to recap the essence of what the other person is saying from their point of view.  Then ask them if you basically heard it right.  Even if you are close, they will be pleased.
• Often our inability to be a good listener comes from our family of origin so rise above your childhood to acquire this awesome skill.

My best friend was so good at listening that when we were having lunch and were interrupted by the waitress in mid-sentence, I forgot what I was saying but he remembered in great detail or as he liked to say “JD, when you speak, I listen” and indeed he did.

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