I once asked a grief counselor how long does it take to grieve.

His answer:  “as long as it takes”.

My response:  “but how long is that?”

And his answer:  “as long as it takes assuming you can conduct your every day activities in life”.

I was thinking about this on the anniversary of my mother’s death recently.

Of course I was everything to her and she to me.  It still doesn’t seem the same with her not around.  In the last 8 years of her life after my father died she lived with me.

And for part of that time I was a single dad so when I met a nice girl I wanted to take back to my house, here was my line:  “want to come back to my place (pause) and meet my mother and the live in nurse?”

What a Romeo, eh?

But oddly enough the girl that said yes, turned out to become my wife and my mother loved her as she loved me.

What I have observed is that by doing the opposite of what we might otherwise do is a great way to keep the memory of loved one’s alive.

I can cook every one of her great Italian meals just as she did and I talk about her as I prepare them.

But the best advice I ever heard about keeping the spirit of a loved one alive is something – believe it or not – I said to my girlfriend in college when she lost an aunt she was very close to.

I didn’t know how to be comforting so without thinking I said, “take one of your aunt’s qualities and make it yours and she will live on through you”.

I should have been that thoughtful in philosophy class but I unwittingly spoke the truth.

The body may be dead but the spirit can be kept alive.

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