Most of us know how to feel and how to think.

The problem is we think when we need to feel and we become emotional when we need to think.

Decision making is what steers our lives and yet it is common for people to make decisions based on emotion instead of fact.

An example is when we choose relationships because of the way we feel about another person instead of also factoring in whether the object of our affection is also right for us.

In the alternative, we can also make decisions about people sans emotion – and that can lead to trouble.

The person who quits the job she loves because she hates her boss is thinking with her heart and not her head.

One who raises a family based solely on right and wrong will find that love must also be communicated from the heart.

When I was getting divorced a counselor said to me, for a person who made a lot of good decisions in my life, I made bad ones when I made decisions based only on my heart and not my head.

François de la Rochefoucauld
:

“The heart is forever making the head its fool”.

We’ve all heard that phrase a lot and perhaps it has applied to us at various times in our lives.

How is it possible that we can become our own worst enemy?

What’s wrong with becoming our own best advocate?

As I write this I am returning from Philadelphia where a good friend of mine is battling cancer. He has not only mastered the art of being his own best advocate but has advocated for others every day of his life.

Only speaking in positive terms about himself and his potential.

Not allowing negative thoughts or words to come out of his mouth or occupy his mind.

I witnessed it as he built a Dale Carnegie franchise through exemplary human relations. 

I saw him set goals for himself that did not allow a negative thought.  In other words, my friend would not waste his time contemplating failure – just stoking his own fires until he achieved success.

In fighting his illness, he will not talk of the possibility he may die and perhaps that’s why he has lived with cancer for 10 years and counting.

We cannot control what other people say or do to us. 

But we can control what we say or do to ourselves.

So, for one day only, try to be your own best advocate – all day, all night, at work, at home.  See how it feels.

Our worst enemy is accepting the negative thinking of others, not the positive potential that can reside in all of us.

Don’t be a victim of your own mind.

In the words of Roderick Thorp:

“We have to learn to be our own best friends because we fall too easily into the trap of being our own worst enemies.”

Have you ever heard someone say, “shame on you”?

That is perhaps the worst thing anyone could say to another human being.  And yet, it is uttered even to children routinely all the time.

Dr. Marilyn J. Sorensen says “Unlike guilt – which is the feeling of doing something wrong, shame is the fear of being something wrong.”

Shame is used to control others and if you’ve been on the receiving end of someone who is trying to shame you then you also know they are really trying to control you.

Chip away at our self-confidence.

Make us fearful.

There are four ways to successfully deal with shame:

1. Accept your faults only as long as you can name an equal number of virtues.
2. Avoid becoming co-dependent to another person.  Co-dependent people earn their name because they rely on others to validate that they are good.
3. No one gets your permission to act in a verbally abusive way.  Shut it down immediately.  Separate from the person abusing you.
4. Love of self is the antidote for shame.

In the radio industry, I know of many good and dedicated employees who have been laid off due to recent corporate cutbacks and they are not even allowed to gather their belongings and say goodbye.

This is true of radio personalities who have spent decades entertaining the station’s audience and with whom their name is synonymous with the station’s call letters.

They leave with only a box of belongings in their hands often gathered by someone else.

Often, these victims of poor management develop temporary and, yes, even a permanent loss of confidence as they are literally shamed out the door.

My advice to them is always the same:

“Shame kills self esteem.  Love of self kills shame”. 

28-year old PGA pro golfer Charlie Beljan had a meltdown at the Children’s Miracle Network Classic in Lake Buena Vista, FL last Friday.

His throat tightened and his heart went into rapid heartbeat.  But he eventually played on for 5 hours carding a 64, the second lowest score of his rookie season.

Beljan then fell to the ground fearing a possible heart attack and was taken to the hospital where he had tests and spent the night hooked up to machines and still in his golf clothes.

When the tests came in, Beljan found out he suffered a panic attack and was released Saturday to continue playing in the event.   As he returned to the course, Beljan was crying on the practice range fearing that he would have another panic attack.

He had been under a lot of personal pressure.  Beljan had to place in the top ten not to forfeit his eligibility to remain on tour.  He married in the beginning of the year and his wife gave birth to their first child in September.  This was not his first panic attack.  He passed out on an airplane forcing an emergency landing with what turned out to be a panic attack a month before his son was born. 

Remarkably, Beljan won the golf tournament panic attack and all.

Made $846,000.

And qualified to play next season on the pro tour.

In the end the way Charlie Beljan won the battle with anxiety – at least long enough to win the event – was to understand that he had to live one day at a time.

Golf is a game that is played best when it is played one hole at a time.

For those of us facing anxiety and stress in our lives, the winning formula is living one day at a time and letting go of the stressors that plague us.

It’s a battle that often ends up making us feel like champions when we rise to the occasion.

As Milan Kundera says,

“The source of anxiety lies in the future.  If you can keep the future out of mind, you can forget your worries.”

When we’re disappointed, we often get mad at ourselves or angry at others.

This hurts us emotionally and actually physically weakens our immune system which is why when we’ve experience a great letdown we get often then get sick.

Here are some ways of dealing with disappointment in a positive way that is kinder to ourselves and others:

1. Remember that no one gets what they want all the time.  It’s like a batting average.  If you bat .300 you’re still going to out 70% of the time.  Adjust expectations to fit reality.
2. Replace anger with gratitude.  Gratitude is like aspirin.  It cures many things. Taking out anger on others often forces them to rebel.
3. When you disappoint, a simple heartfelt apology is very effective.  When you’ve disappointed yourself, forgive yourself and move on.
4. Beware of denial.  When we deny our disappointment, it will get worse and those around us will keep their distance.
5. Disappointment is temporary.  It can have a positive effect by making us appreciate 100 times over when things meet our expectations.

Alexander Pope said, “Blessed is he who expects nothing, for he shall never be disappointed.”

Keep expectations low but keep motivation high.

At the most stressful time of the year, Thanksgiving occurs. 

It’s the busiest air travel holiday and millions of people return to family gatherings in the hope that a Norman Rockwell holiday will result.

I know people who spend months trying to come up with “excuses” to avoid a family disaster at Thanksgiving.

Others accept the invitation but make themselves miserable up to and including turkey day.

Next week, I will share with you the one thing that will guarantee gratitude and love even in the toughest situations.  It works like a charm.

But one week out, it is helpful to remember that great expectations are not always possible with dysfunctional families, petty jealousies, marital problems, missing children spending the holiday with the other parent, sibling rivalries and even darker issues that sometimes affect families.

Yet gratitude is always possible once we grieve for the family we do not have.

I think this advice from Dr. Ana Nogales is very positive and uplifting at holiday time:

“After acknowledging what may be missing in our family relationships, each of us can then focus on the positive. Perhaps you had a good relationship with one of your relatives in the past, and you are working things out so that things may get better in the future. Maybe there is one family member with whom you have a special connection, with whom you feel free to be yourself. Or perhaps you have created a “family” with trusted and beloved friends, a group you feel more “related to” than the family into which you were born”.

Focus on being thankful to avoid unpleasantness. 

Feel free to forward this email and share with your friends.

I had a friend who lost his son at 18 due to suicide.

Yesterday I met a woman whose boyfriend died two years ago from lung cancer while she continues to mourn.

You don’t have to lose a loved one in the prime of their years to feel genuine loss.  My mother passed away at 96 and I miss her every day. 

There are many stages of grief.

I once asked a well-known counselor how long grief should last and he replied, as long as it lasts.

How long is that?

Whenever the grieving is complete as long as you can continue to function in your everyday life.  If not, it’s time to seek counseling to better cope.

The way to add meaning to the loss of someone dear to you is to isolate the one characteristic that he or she had that you most admired.

Then devote your life attempting to make that trait a part of you.

In that way, the deceased lives on through you.

And in some small way, their death is a just a bit easier to accept.

Gandhi said it eloquently:

“There are no goodbyes for us. Wherever you are, you will always be in my heart”.

We all know control freaks.

They are at work, in our families and, yes, even staring back at us in the mirror.

Being around controlling people tends to rub off on us even if we are inclined not to be all that controlling.

This topic fascinates me in our fast moving competitive world where there is more self-absorption than ever before in a 24/7 race to have it our own way.

Yet the answer to living with controlling people is not to become like them.

It’s a disease that they’ve inherited, acquired or otherwise cobbled together to stay competitive.

Elizabeth Brenner in Winning by Letting Go offered these keys to ridding ourselves of the control that kills our spirit and hurts our relationships:

1. Accept things as they really are.  Let go of our wishes, fantasies and fears and deal with what can be changed.
2. Get to know yourself better.  You cannot give away what you do not have.
3. “Any lingering attachments to having things our way hook us back into barter and control”. 

Therefore the irony in life is that we gain control by giving up control.

No control freak is really in control – they just make other people and themselves miserable.

When you’ve had it up to here with control freaks or even your controlling tendencies, try surrendering by giving up control.

And feel the freedom and power that comes with. 

I found this wonderfully inspiring list of reasons to never, ever give up when adversity strikes.

Sometimes we need reassurance that staying the course will eventually reward us.

Here are a few reasons to never give up:

1. As long as you are alive, anything is possible.
2. You are stronger than you think.  A little setback is not enough to stop you from achieving your goals.
3. If someone else can do it, so can you.
4. Another reason:  Your family and friends.  Let the people you love and who mean the world to you inspire you. 
5. You are so close.  At any given time you are only a heartbeat from success.

Baseball great Babe Ruth said, “You just can’t beat the person who won’t give up.”

See the entire list of 22 here.

Some claim that they cannot stay motivated unless they have high expectations of succeeding.

Yet, this approach is almost a guarantee of failure.

Alfred Korzybski posited that since our knowledge of anything is always limited and the future is uncertain, keeping our expectations low is a more productive use of our time and efforts.

Having no expectations is cynical and encourages us to not even try.

Harry Weinberg, the Temple University Professor and general semanticist reminds us that when we keep our expectations low, we “have a map that fits the territory”.

So life becomes a series of successes no matter how small they are making us happier than we would be with high risk, high expectations.

According to Weinberg:

“There is a big difference between high hopes and high expectations. In the former, we are prepared for failure and for success, in the latter only for success.  The ideal is embodied in the old chestnut ‘Expect the worst and hope for the best’”.

Working harder and expecting less is the formula to increased happiness.