Once I asked my students at USC if they’d like to know a way that they could do only 20% of the things they have to do in their lives and still get 80% productivity.

The room fell silent until one student, feeling sorry for the professor, said “If you want to”.

Multitasking distracts us and forces us to sacrifice the quality of our attention but people refuse to give it up in our fast paced digital world.

And it also never ends meaning you never run out of things to do simultaneously.

Recently, a group of researchers at the University of Washington studied the effects of meditation training on multitasking.  According to a New York Times article, they formed one group of human resource professionals to do the simultaneous planning they were accustomed to doing.  They were given 20 minutes to complete their tasks.

Then they were divided into three groups – one for an 8-week meditation course immediately, another group took it later not initially and the third took an 8-week course in body relaxation.

Then, back to the original 20-minute multitasking test.

According to the article, “The only participants to show improvement were those who had received mindfulness training.  Not only did they report fewer negative emotions at the end of the assignment, but their ability to concentrate improved significantly”.

Being in the “now” is beneficial in lots of ways to significantly improving the future.

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In the idyllic Victorian shore community of Spring Lake, NJ ten teenagers have stepped in front of a train – sometimes at the very same spot – and committed suicide since 2008.

The same train that took many of their parents to high powered and well-paid jobs in the bustle of New York City every day.

The most recent victim died in February of last year.  He wasn’t depressed although some of the victims were.  He was said to be a great student being raised by his father after his mother’s death from cancer.

Ten students dead.  Many in the same high school.

To be sure, in some cases there were extenuating circumstances, but the mystery of what would bring someone who seems to be happy to this early end of life remains a mystery.  Perhaps they weren’t heard.

Most times life goes on and people suffer in silence.  So how is it possible that we can miss problems this obvious?

We must become better at listening. 

We all want to be heard.  In a world packed with communications tools from phones to texting, the secret is to begin practicing the awesome power of listening.

Today.

“To say that a person feels listened to means a lot more than just their ideas get heard.  It’s a sign of respect.  It makes people feel valued”. – Deborah Tannen

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People complain a lot.

Me included. 

But a surefire way to change the things we complain about is to change the way we look at things. 

Motivational speaker Wayne Dyer says, “If you change the way you look at things, the things you look at will change.”

Have you ever heard someone say, “I can’t complain, no one will listen” after you said, “how are things?”

Instead of complaining, do something about that which rankles you. 

Take an action step.  Plan a way around the problem.  If the thing that irritates you is major, chip away at it.  For example, if you hate your job, consider devoting your time and energy to a well thought out plan to find a new one.  Complaining will just leave you wallowing in the job you dislike. 

In a relationship that is going nowhere?

Less stewing, more doing.  Come up with a plan with action steps to make the situation better.

“Doing nothing gets you nothing.” — Sean Reichle 

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Flattery: “You look great”.

Meaningful compliment:  “It was thoughtful of you to help me with the project.  The research you did on effective sales techniques made all the difference”.

One of the most potent tools to inspiring, motivating and appreciating people is to pay them a compliment that sticks to their ribs.

Here’s the formula:

1. Recognize an outstanding quality in another
2. Make a simple one or two sentence statement
3. Then back it up with specific evidence to make the compliment memorable and meaningful.

Do it face to face if you want to see the great response you are going to get.  But the formula works on the telephone, email or Twitter.

Employees like it.  Employers love it because they rarely get meaningful appreciation.  Friends will value you more.  Children will boost their self-esteem as a result of hearing you appreciate them in this fashion.

Don’t get me wrong.  Flattery has its place.

But a compliment backed by specific evidence is a lasting gift.

“I will be generous with my love today. I will sprinkle compliments and uplifting words everywhere I go. I will do this knowing that my words are like seeds and when they fall on fertile soil, a reflection of those seeds will grow into something greater.”  — Steve Maraboli, Life, the Truth, and Being Free

If you want to change your life for the better in 2013, you don’t have do anything more than master the following four things.

The things that matter most in life.

All you need to do is say them as much as possible. 

Please Forgive Me

I Forgive You

Thank You

I love You

(From “The Four Things That Matter Most” by Ira Brock, M.D.)

Since this is a record year for self-gifting, how about giving any or all of these gifts to ourselves.

1. A pat on the back.  The one we rarely get but so deserve from others for all the good things we do all year long.  Better yet, create a long list of the things that deserve personal recognition and keep them handy on a mobile device or in a drawer for the next time a boost of confidence is needed.
2. Forgiveness.  As hard as we may try, we are not perfect.  It isn’t perfection that should drive our existence, it’s the pursuit of perfection.  In the meantime, let’s take a moment to forgive ourselves for being human.
3. Self-love.  Bluntly put, we cannot expect nor should we expect others to love us when we are unwilling to love ourselves.  Step one:  be grateful for the person we are.  Others will notice.
4. Persistence.  As I point out in my book, Ted Williams was the last player to hit over .400 for a single season baseball batting average.  That means he failed 60% of the time.  In this way, life is like the game of baseball.  It’s not about hitting it out of the park.  It’s about times at bat.

As Ted Williams said, “baseball is the only field of endeavor where a man can succeed three times out of ten and be considered a good performer”.

Give these gifts to yourself and you will simultaneously also be giving them to those around you.

Please share this thought with your friends and family.

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If you have a worry problem, do these three things:

1. Ask yourself “what is the worst that can possibly happen?”
2. Prepare to accept it, if you have to.
3. Then calmly proceed to improve on the worst.

That is Dale Carnegie’s advice.  I have seen no better in my life.

Yet, I am a lifetime worrywart.  I think I got it from my mother who was a professional worrier.

So how do you improve on the best advice ever to stop worrying?

Remember to use it.

It always works because 99% of the time that which we worry about never happens and in 1% of the cases, what we feared doesn’t happen the way we anticipated.

So a real commitment to putting worry in its place is to start each day reciting the three things that can help most.

Ben Franklin said, “Do not anticipate trouble, or worry about what may never happen”.

A number of years ago, I found myself making Christmas Eve and Christmas Day phone calls to friends and family who had lost a loved one.

I didn’t realize exactly what I was doing but over the years I kept on doing it.

The phone rings and it’s me wishing people who feel emptiness at holiday time a happy day.  It doesn’t have to be someone you know real well.

Sometimes the calls last longer than either one of us expect.

And they are upbeat because even when the loss of a loved one is mentioned, a few consoling words seems appropriate.

The conversation is easy.

Just ask questions and you’ll get plenty of answers.  What have you been doing? How is the family?  And drill down to ask about others.

If it is the first year alone, the recipient is usually surprised to receive such a call but always pleased.

Then just add them to the list for subsequent years as they look forward to the joy of catching up as much as you will knowing the real precious gift you are giving – the gift of your time.

Try it this season.  

“No matter what your heartache may be, laughing helps you forget it for a few seconds.”  — Red Skelton

Just because people are quiet, doesn’t mean that they don’t have something to say.

And being talkative doesn’t mean you do.

One of the most advanced and potent human relations skills is to listen to the other side of silence.

That which is not said, but can be valuable if we listen for it in others.

Even when a person outwardly expresses a feeling, it doesn’t mean that it is their true feeling.  We humans often say things that are opposite of what we think or feel.

I have seen marriage counselors who sit between warring partners trying to get them to express what is on their minds directly to each other and then they are asked to recite those feelings back. 

Amazingly, it’s not easy even to communicate even when the two people try to listen to what is being said with the help of a psychologist.

Listening to the other side of silence requires a sensitivity for the whole of another person without prejudgment.

The ability to put in perspective what others say for it may be what they think we want to hear.  (We all do it).

Gathering information without making an immediate assessment of the person or situation is critical to effective communication.

Ironically we live in a fast paced world with more communication devices, social networking and opportunities to express ourselves and yet, the truly skillful communicator knows to cultivate a respect for that which is not said.

“I’ve begun to realize that you can listen to silence and learn from it. It has a quality and a dimension all its own.” – Chaim Potok, The Chosen

The words that come to mind are …

Compassion — An outpouring of love shown to families and survivors of the shooting locally, nationally and worldwide.

Gratitude for those whose lives were spared and for our children whom we embrace even tighter today because it could have happened anywhere.

Bravery — The courage of those who were the heroes some of whom lost their lives protecting innocent children from death.

Appreciation for how first responders fought through their tears while they did the toughest job in the world. 

Thankfulness that as grotesque as they are, senseless mass shootings are relatively uncommon even though several major incidents in the U.S. every year claim precious lives.

Brotherhood and sisterhood with others in harm’s way around the world who are also the victims of rage and murder – from war zones to school buses in the Middle East where children are targeted because of their political views.

The words I search for …

Why?

Now What?

The Dalai Lama reminds us of a saying in Tibetan: “Tragedy should be utilized as a source of strength”.

From strength comes ultimate acceptance although things will never again be the same for the families and town of Newtown, CT.

“The shattering of a heart when being broken is the loudest quiet ever” – Carroll Bryant