One of my music business students recently appeared on Good Day New York after a TikTok video she did blew up and attracted the attention of the New York Post.

In her TV interview, Mariel Darling was asked to give women advice about men after she took on the subject of being “zombied” (like being ghosted) as they went in and out of her life.

Here’s her advice which applies to lots of different relationships:

If someone cannot be passionate about what they want to do with their lives, they then cannot be passionate about people in their lives.

Pursue passion.

Here’s Mariel’s TV video and link to the New York Post article.

One of the exercises we use in my stress class for music industry is to learn how to forgive keeping in mind that forgiving does not mean forgetting.

What seemed to irk my students is that some of the people they wanted to forgive didn’t deserve it.

But isn’t that exactly how it is?

Forgiveness is for the victim and my students shared with each other how hard this “stretching exercise” was for them, yes – even harder than giving up their phones and social media for a day.

When they reported back, some were elated that they could get this monkey off their back, others were hopeful that maybe their relationships could have a second chance and some did it but didn’t like it a bit.

One thought worth sharing is that the more we hold on to anger and hurt while not being able to forgive someone who doesn’t deserve it, the more we act like the perpetrator of our unhappiness toward them.

So as one student said, I feel free now with no expectations.

What a wonderful outcome worth emulating.

As a professor, this is what I hear a lot.

Thank you for making us turn our phones off.

That’s right.  You may find it hard to believe as I did (at first).

It makes it easier to focus.

It’s the one-time I can focus without distraction.

I do it for self-preservation because left to their own devices, it is almost impossible to keep the attention of students especially for almost two hours in class.

These comments are not only increasing with each semester but believe it or not, I never have to remind my students to turn their phones off after the first week or two – they do it automatically and without complaint (could they really like it, I wondered?).

Ok, there was one complaint – a student who kept getting text messages on her Apple Watch and finally succumbed.  She tried to defend it, but gave up because being texted constantly made her uncomfortable and unable to focus.  Even she didn’t buy her excuse for replying in class.

The definition of hocus-pocus, by the way, is meaningless talk or activity, often designed to draw attention away from and disguise what is actually happening.

Lesson learned:  if you help others focus, they will be grateful.

The founding drummer of the band Maroon 5 Ryan Dusick visited my Wednesday NYU classes recently.

He’s a 45-year old former rock star who hit the depths of addiction and self-sabotage at the height of his career and clawed his way back via Betty Ford and 12-step programs to become a family counselor in LA.

So inspirational – let me share one of Dusick’s thoughts that really resonated.

Always have something to work toward – a lesson he learned after overcoming the addiction that made his childhood friend and Maroon 5 star Adam Levine kick him out of the band.

Ruminating on bad habits will not end well – finding new interests and pursuing them makes life rewarding.

Even the little things – especially, the little things.

Ryan said as strange as it sounds, after performing night after night at a high level, it becomes routine and being on all the time leaves no time for health (his passion), recovery and time to think.

My students read his book, Harder to Breathe – learning that life is good in little steps and the importance of healthy relationships.

We are emphasizing mental health issues and dealing with anxiety and depression at our NYU music business classes but the lessons affect all of us so I thought I would share.

Some of my college students are hyper concerned about how people view them – and like all of us, facing criticism is not a pretty thing.

That’s why I was fascinated to see what Apple CEO Tim Cook does to combat all the criticism he personally gets.

No matter what Cook has done (watches, AirPods, keeping Macs and phones popular, building a strong Apple ecosystem making it easy for users to use and even banking that is the silent killer ahead for Apple) – he is constantly compared with his bigger than life predecessor, Steve Jobs.

Cook is quoted as saying “I had to do was to be the best version of myself.”

So how does he process all that high profile criticism?

“I try very hard not to take things personal that I don’t think are meant to be personal.”

Even when criticism is offered subtly, it is hard to take.

So don’t – dismiss it as someone else’s opinion while you continue to follow your best instincts.

Each week I have my NYU stress class music business students choose mood music to reflect how they have been feeling all week – it’s included in their digital assignment package.  They love it and I love to listen to what they pick.

Everyone completes it and all explain why the track is meaningful at that moment.

But when it comes to sharing their music in class (again, they already submitted the work online), only a third of the class raise their hands.

Here’s a great way to build strength.

I said since you all did the work, I want to see all hands go up when I ask who wants to share.

To be honest, the usual third of the class raised their hands.

I thought I’d get cute and ask, “who doesn’t want to share their music today?” And no hands went up.

I said next week, I want to see everyone volunteer to share their mood music and when I did it, I got about half the students to raise their hands.  Not bad – better.

I said, everyone put your hand up – they all did – and I picked people randomly.

No one suffered, it wasn’t painful – it’s a main lesson in leadership.

Now they all jump to it.

When possible, be first to go first.

If you’re looking for an epidemic hardly anyone is talking about, listen for self-sabotage.

I hear it in academia, in work and as much as I hate to admit it – personally.

The art of taking something perfectly good and turning it into something perfectly bad.

Example from a student:  “I should have known better” but why would that be?  We are not soothsayers, we’re people.

“I overthink” – no, you saw sawdust and obsess but it’s not overthinking or else you would have soon realized that you became overly concerned.

“I can’t make friends” – well, in a post pandemic world, it’s not easy to get social again (and the solution is to break the ice because the other person will likely jump to your gesture of friendship).

“I feel like a failure” is a common one but it’s actually a compliment because most of the meaningful successes from people we admire confronted adversity.

To reduce stress, rethink the words that tend to hurt our self-esteem and put them together in ways that are authentic, positive and meaningful.

In my NYU “Stress-free Living & Working in the Music Industry” class, we do stretching exercises – not the physical ones, the psychological type designed to build mental resilience.

One week we gave gratitude to someone important in our life in writing.

The assignment mandated that each student choose a person for whom they were grateful for something and then give some specific examples – this was then sent without further explanation.

The response was both expected and unexpected – the student “gratefuls” heard back with warm and even touching expressions of appreciation.

Why learn to express gratitude?

Gratitude is a building block of becoming more resilient.

Another week as I shared earlier, we gave up our phones and cut social media usage – the professor included and if there is one thing I learned, it is that I can control my digital devices, they don’t have to control me.

Another stretching exercise was to put into writing something that represents a pat on the back for something they did right – no negative talk allowed.

And next week, we will take a step toward learning how to forgive.

Living in a complicated age requires on the spot retraining of the brain – so if you’re interested, try one of our exercises then grade yourself. (I’ll give you an A for trying).

I thought you be interested that I asked my NYU stress in the music industry class to give up their phones for a day and/or cutback on social media.

They were not happy with me – one student piped up and said “will you give your phone up, too, professor?” and after getting a commitment from 39 people to match me if I did, I agreed.

They admitted it was hard to do – to be fair, some weren’t ready.  I also found it difficult to get started but as with my students, I liked what I gained – and here it is.

I didn’t miss out on anything.  Felt more in control.  Did other things I’ve been missing.  Changed the behavior of those around me by becoming more present.

Our children get phones at too early an age – that’s not my observation, that’s psychologists and physicians.

Adults are just as bad – turning to phones for support, comfort and trying not to miss out.

One student said they wanted to keep the phone so they could call a parent who could help them when they had a problem.  Before phones, young folks had to develop resilience in lieu of a life line call.

The exercise was not to eliminate the use of phones but to regain control over them.

Then I drove out of the city, saw drivers on the Turnpike with phone in hand going 85 miles an hour and later read a story about a 9 year old girl near where I live who committed suicide because of bullying.

I also read an article about a teacher who was beaten up by a student when they took away the student’s phone.

Here’s what my students say they learned by tackling this drill:

We are capable of enjoying our digital devices with us in charge not the algorithm writers of Google, Facebook, TikTok and many others – that was universally empowering.

FOMO is a false fear – we gain time and improve our lives, we don’t miss out on anything.

If we want work/life balance, we can start by regaining control over how we spend our digital life.

Physicians who study mental health issues today have this advice.

Start every day with by saying “I’m happy to be alive today”.

It doesn’t take long to get inundated with problems, irritations and anxiety in the world in which we live.

But it’s still true – “I’m happy to be alive today”.

Ask a recovering cancer patient or someone given more time to live.

Just as football players break their huddle, clap hands and resist saying “Let’s lose”, we should start another day by saying out loud how happy we are to be here.