Can you change where you were born?

Or who your parents were?

Could you have changed the outcome of losing your job in a budget cut?

Or the fact that the doctor tells you that you have developed diabetes?

Or that your best friend moved 1,000 miles away?

Put like this, it is obvious that we waste a lot of time and emotion trying to change things that can never be changed.

That realization is the first step toward redeploying our energies to things that we can change.

Emphasizing the good things our parents gave us and letting go of the things we don’t want.

Finding a better job that brings us more fulfillment and hopefully compensation.

Taking care to be healthy and minimizing diseases we may have developed.

Finding innovative ways to keep long distance relationships alive.

We change things that cannot be changed by accepting that a better use of our energies is to change that which we can change.

How you see it makes all the difference.

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When people reject us – for any reason  — they have discovered how vulnerable we are.

Somewhere in time we have assigned a part of our self-esteem to them.  In fact, they may have stolen it from us.  The person who on their own told us how good we look can also take it away if and when they realize that we need them to keep telling us.

Strong self-esteem comes from being okay with the way we are – liking it, accepting it, being proud of it.  That is the way to reduce the possibility of being rejected.

In fact, even compliments can be a setup for future rejection if we ourselves do not believe the compliment.  So when you hear something nice or something kind, you should use that comment as a reaffirmation of something you already believe.

It is virtually impossible to reject someone who is happy with the way they are and who never lets another person provide self-esteem that we ourselves do not already possess.

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When someone is bullied, they put an end to it by pushing back.

But the bully has still inflicted their damage even if it is stopped.

The victim needs to do one important thing to guarantee that the bully of the day is not hitting and running.

And that is to have compassion for the bully-shamer.

Sounds like something a victim is in no mood to do but it is so very important.

When we have compassion for the person inflicting the hurt, we assure that we will never have to be that person to pushback.

“I feel sorry for her for having to hurt her best friends when all they want to do is like her”.

Or, “It must be awful to be so hurtful to others”.

Or, “Using social media to shame me is so cowardly.  I feel sorry for someone who needs to hurt someone behind their back”.

To be sure, compassion for the offender is not condoning.

Just that one act of compassion nullifies the hurt that shamers and bulliers like to impart on others.

Push back by putting a stop loss on the hurtful behavior and feel compassion for the instigator because by doing so you are also showing compassion for yourself.

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We know what turns people off – or at least we should.

But what makes them attracted to us like a magnet is our ability to praise others in a sincere way.

Think about how long we have to go before we hear words of praise from others.

The secret is to catch someone doing something praiseworthy – and that’s not too hard if you get used to looking for it.

Then back up the kind words with a concrete example of what you like about them.  Without the evidence, it’s just empty praise that sounds good but doesn’t stick to the bones.

If you want people to be totally addicted to you in a positive way, look for opportunities to catch them doing something right.

Then increase the number of times you give sincere and honest praise and it is likely you will feel the warmth and sincerity returned to you.

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During the NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament this year we found out how far perfection can get us.

Unbeaten Kentucky lost to Wisconsin and they were eliminated from the big dance to play for the championship.   The 2006-2007 Patriots won all 16 of their regular season games but could not go 19-0 to win the Super Bowl.

Most of us have it all wrong.

We either try for perfection or accept that we cannot ever achieve perfection.

When two teams play sports, they don’t show up and say I’m going to win or else and they don’t say I’ll probably lose.

They want to play to win but know that always winning is not always possible and it’s not necessary.

And there is a lot to learn from losing – more than from winning – such as how badly you want something, how hard you will work to get it and what skills must be acquired to succeed.

Perfection is the roadmap not the final destination.

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Friends are not things we collect.  They are people we trust and value.

Ever go to a funeral and hear the eloquent eulogies about the departed?  Why wait until it’s too late?  We’re living now.

Friends don’t happen by accident and friendship has little to do with fate.  It’s more about us – are we worthy of true friends?

• A friend verbalizes their feelings for another with a compliment and the evidence to support it.
• Friends don’t keep tabs on how many good deeds they do for each other.  You owe everybody and everybody owes you – that’s the mark of true friendship.
• Friends are never jealous.  Jealousy is the scourge of our civilization and it has no place in true friendships.  We wish for others that which they wish for themselves.  And they wish the same for us.
• True friends are reliable and predictable.  Think about it, the person you call your best friend is likely to be a rock when you need him/her or always there at anytime when you need them.
• A true friend cannot be tallied on Facebook but can be counted in your heart as a valued human being.

If you have true friends, it is a testament to your ability to value another without asking for anything in return – always.

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A rut is the hole we find ourselves in when a series of things go wrong and it begins to stick in our brains.

When we’re flying high, the opposite happens – we believe it is all good and will continue to be good.

What do these two conditions have in common?

Our brain – the source of all good things possible.

• I find humor a good way to handle a series of bad breaks – “if I don’t laugh, I’ll cry” kind of attitude.  When you poke fun at your bad breaks, you are putting them in their proper place.
• Take small steps to counter your misfortunes.  If you lose a promotion to a person who is less qualified and in the same 24-hour period find out that you need $1,200 worth of repairs on your car and then (insert the next bad thing here) — thems fightin’ words.  Do a small positive thing for every negative thing you must combat.  Do not take being in a rut lying down.  This is war but the steps can and should be small (I’ll get the next promotion and maybe this is a sign that I need a new car, etc.).
• A friend if mine had cancer and he had it for years – that’s more than being in a rut.  But he never focused on his problems even when I asked him about them.  He simply said, I’m doing fine and asked about me.  Turn the focus away from your problems.
• Focus on bad and you get bad.  Focus on good and you get good.  The choice is ours not fates.

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“Haters gonna hate” as Taylor Swift sings in “Shake It Off”.

Taylor Swift is one of the most prolific voices of the Millennial generation admired for her honesty and authenticity.

Music is and always has been the soundtrack of our lives.

When I taught music industry at the University of Southern California, I could literally teach history through the words and music of each generation.

Taylor Swift knows that haters are running wild – she should know, they direct their vitriol at her and she shakes it off.

What’s not to like about Taylor Swift – she’s smart, talented, beautiful and nice.

Sound familiar?

If haters are hating on you, someone you love, a child, a friend – here are some ways to shake it off:

• “It’s gonna be alright” is a mantra worth repeating again and again.
• Understand the hater’s motivation because they are almost 100% of the time suffering from jealousy.
• Cut them off – they cannot enjoy hating on you when they get no reaction.  Respond and you just keep them going.
• The cure for hurt feelings is remembering that when you have to depend on others to make you feel good (or bad) about yourself, you are inviting haters to damage your life and your feelings and play with your emotions.

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1) Take the focus off yourself and think about others – little things, conversations, acts of kindness.  You might not feel like doing them when you’re down but you’re giving yourself the gift of a picker-upper.

2) Segue from what’s eating you to something you are grateful for.  It has been proven time and time again that no person can be down or even depressed if she or he is being grateful for something good in their lives.

3) Think about how important you are to those around you.  A bad mood by you quickly affects others you come in contact with.  A positive thought lifts those around you at the same time you help yourself.

4) Picture the person you love (or have loved, if they are no longer with you) in this world and for five seconds think of how you would feel if you could be with them now.

Bad moods and rough roads are normal – we wouldn’t be human without them.

Languishing in a bad frame of mind for too long begins to change the way we are.  Act, intervene and return to a good place as quickly as possible.

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Forget it, we just don’t have alone time anymore.

I lived in a small community growing up (Springfield, PA) where I had to walk two or more miles to get anywhere and everywhere I wanted to go. On that same walk now, I would probably have a smartphone in my hand and ear buds in my ears to listen to music.

Alone time on the beach has been breached because we can text, email and check the Internet, play games and do everything but look at the ocean, people watch or exercise.

Alone time is no longer a thing of the past — it is the remedy for the future.

In a digital world, we have to have time to think.

To converse with others undistracted.

To dream about how we want our lives to be today and tomorrow.

Take it one small step at a time.

Leave the phone home for an hour.

Choose one screen to watch TV and not two or more.

Eat dinner without a cellphone nearby every once in a while.

From there, expand out of touch hours – say, 7-11pm every once in a while.

When life runs together on one stream of connectivity, we leave out the most important person – ourselves.

Don’t blame the digital technology that enriches our lives.

Put it in its proper place and reintroduce yourself to you, those around you and your dreams and ambitions.

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