When we feel vulnerable we are setting the table for undue concerns over the future.

There are two important things.

Fear thought – Anxiety about the future that is not likely to occur.

Forethought –  Embracing the future to live the life we want to live and accomplish the things that are important to us.

Kids are happier because they don’t spend a lot of time worrying about the future or lamenting the past.

Even by our teen years and beyond, we lose this childlike ability to not get lost within our own minds.

People are happier when they are living in the moment instead of ruminating about the past or the future because neither one of these places bring us real happiness.

When we fear life we run the risk of losing it.

It is no accident that – when you think about it – our happiest moments are those that appear to be “carefree” or as I like to call them, not burdened by that which already happened and that which probably will never happen in the future.

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Almost 100% of everyone you know is too hard on themselves.

Even people who seem to be braggers are often covering up what may be lacking in their personalities.

We are truly our own worst enemies.

Sometimes we can see this but often we can see it in others easier.

For every word of criticism – even so-called “constructive criticism” we need to also provide a positive statement or else we get lost in a barrage of negativity.

Dale Carnegie’s first human relation principle is “don’t criticize, condemn or complaint”.

There is no such thing as constructive criticism.

Every person can discover on their own how to improve without hearing it in a form of judgment from others (and this includes employers, parents, and friends).

Resist criticizing others and yourself.

Ask questions instead.

“How do you think you could have made that presentation better?”

“Are you satisfied with the way you and your friend dealt with that problem?”

You probably don’t have to look very far to see the devastating effects of tearing a person down instead of helping them through questioning that allows them to build themselves up.

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Why is it that we tend to remember every negative word that is said to us and somehow forget the positive ones?

It’s like we engrave criticism from others in our brain but fail to do the same for the compliments we receive.

Why is it that we rely so much on others to make us feel good when the responsibility is 100% ours?

We are the master of our mind.

Here’s a solution you may find helpful.

Never let anyone record directly into your subconscious because it sticks like glue.

Even praise from others can be dangerous if we begin to rely on that person for continued praise.  And sometimes, this turns into the start of a co-dependent relationship where the praise giver gets the power to make others feel good and not so good when praise turns to criticism.

When done the right way, you provide the positive input directly into your mind and then when another person says something complimentary, consider it reaffirmation of what you already know about yourself — more evidence that you are good person.

Nothing improves self-esteem more than taking charge of what you allow into your head.

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There are medical studies that reveal that the more husbands and wives talked to each other in the evening, the lower the amount of stress-producing cortisol is in their blood levels.

Nonetheless couples studied still spent only 10% of their daily time in this more healthful state.

The secret is that the more time we spend with others, the better it is for them – and for us.

So, it is not just the time we spend with people we care about.

It’s the time we are fully present with another person that reaps the greatest benefit.

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Life is not only difficult as Scott Peck has written, but it’s becoming darn near impossible to have any time left for yourself.

I was having lunch with a friend the other day at CPK and we both took notice of a mother who had three well-behaved young children sitting with her at her nearby table.

What caught our attention is that all three of them were coloring with crayons.  They were not keeping busy with games on a smartphone as many parents do to distract their children.

Upon leaving my friend walked over and congratulated the mom on helping to set a great example early in life of the importance of balance of digital and interpersonal contact.

But what of OUR lives?

Too busy?

Too connected?

Not enough time to think?

Digital tools are just tools – great ones that none of us want to give up.  But they are not a substitute for living life in the present with other people.

What a wonderful reminder that we wouldn’t eat ice cream for breakfast, lunch and dinner without health repercussions and consuming too many screens, too many texts or emails and looking down at our palms too frequently is not a balanced life.

Reward yourself with a real live in the moment “moment” from time to time because you’ve earned it.

No person, no digital device can give you more “you” time until you stand up for you.

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A friend always said, “what a wonderful world this would be if we could choose our own parents” – a suggestion that we take both the good and bad that we inherit from our parents because we have no other choice.

Family heartbreak is among the most devastating of all pain that we feel.

One reason is because of the expectation that relatives are somehow special because they are related to us.

In fact, I know a lot of people – me included – who have had friends that we consider the same as close family because they have earned the right to be family.

On the other side, there are people who may be related who you wouldn’t choose out of a lineup for, say, a brother or sister.

When families have strong bonded relationships among the members it is because of who they are not, not from which family they were born into.

This reminds us to always be the person we want to be and never feel badly if someone who carries our same name or line of parentage disappoints.

It’s not who we’re related to.

It’s how good is the relationship.

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A 1-hour a day increase in playing video games was found to increase math reasoning scores by 9.3% of standard deviation based on a Monash University study in Australia of 3-18 year olds and reported in Harvard Business Review.

That’s the same as spending the same time studying at school or at home.

Video games appear to help young people with their problem solving abilities.

So, parents don’t have to worry as much about video games.

What they need to worry about is anti-social behavior that is on the increase among all ages including adults who bury themselves in their digital devices at the expense of interacting with others.

A digital device is no excuse for being rude, distracted, withdrawn or selfish.

Life is lived in the now not on a screen.

Digital devices are aides to life not a replacement for it.

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For every negative thought that creeps into your mind to eat away at self-esteem, vow to also conjure up a countering positive thought.

15 negative thoughts during the day?

Then you’ll supply 15 countering positive things.

“I’m feeling very anxious.  I can’t get on that airplane” is balanced with “I flew 3 times last year and I did it”.

“I’m going to get fired” balanced with “I was picked out of all other candidates to get this job”.

“He or she is going to leave me” replaced with “I am very lovable”.

Bad things happen but the fear of bad things is what kills us and obliterates our self-esteem.

You know people who do this.

You may be one of them.

We all carry around negative thoughts and the more we let them occupy our minds unanswered, the more they define us and create further anxiety.

In the end, whatever you fear, you have probably already dealt with successfully in one way or another.

My favorite mantra is:  “I’ve done it before and I can do it again”.

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Do a Google search for fat shaming and 243,000 items will come up.

Haters tried to body shame Iggy Azalea so she shut down her Twitter account.

The best response I have seen lately is from the talented and beautiful singer Kelly Clarkson.

A British newspaper columnist said about Clarkson “Jesus, what happened to Kelly Clarkson? Did she eat all of her backing singers? Happily I have wide-screen”.

Clarkson when confronted with these public insults was unaware of them but added that the columnist didn’t know her.

But her response was textbook:  “I’ve just never cared what people think. It’s more if I’m happy and I’m confident and feeling good, that’s always been my thing. And more so now, since having a family — I don’t seek out any other acceptance.”

Body shaming of any kind is not acceptable in our world.

The best defense is to dismiss haters and stand up for yourself just the way you are.

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Every day for a month, think of one thing you like about yourself.

It doesn’t have to be a big thing – just something different every day.

The process of doing this will begin to change patterns in the brain that bog us down with undue negativity.

The human mind left to wander will always focus on what’s wrong instead of what is right. It may go back to our hunter/gatherer days where danger doomed constantly but in modern society, the threats have changed from physical ones to psychological ones.

Jot down the one thing you like about yourself each day on a piece of paper or on your favorite digital device.

After 31 days you’ll be impressed about two things.

That you’re training yourself to look for positive things about you – not just thinking about it.

And how fine a person you are just the way you are – Mister Rogers was right.

To put an end to negative thinking and poor self-esteem, train yourself to find one thing each day that makes you proud to be you.

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