ESPN Anchor Stuart Scott died at age 49 after a long battle with cancer but his inspiration lives on in these 2 lines:

“When you die, it does not mean that you lose to cancer. You beat cancer by how you live, why you live, and in the manner in which you live.”

All of us must die of something.

We can postpone it with good healthy habits and some luck, but no one ever evades it.

But we are always in control of the way we live.

How we face adversity.

The manner in which we make choices to enjoy relationships, discover new challenges and show gratitude for our many riches.

You beat adversity by how you live.

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Keep right on listening to them.

I’m kidding!

But that’s what we do.  We keep supplying the oxygen that keeps narcissistic people talking about themselves instead of making it a two-way conversation.

The best defense, as always, is a good offense.

Most self-absorbed people are happy to just ramble on so – cut off the oxygen – I mean, the ability to commandeer the space.

Rule of thumb:  If another person doesn’t recognize you within a few minutes of talking about themselves – if they don’t ask, don’t care, don’t listen – vacate the premises.

Say bye.  Sign off.  Move on.  Don’t feed self-absorption.

The sad reality is that many of us don’t want to be rude to people who are being rude to us.  But that doesn’t mean suffer another round of self-absorption.

As a college professor I learned that people who may come off as self-absorbed are capable of better when we take the initiative to demand a conversation; not a monologue.

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Perhaps you heard others say that this past Christmas just didn’t feel like Christmas with all the self-gifting, lack of spiritual focus and emphasis on consumer spending.

Christmas cards?  Fewer than ever were sent out this year.  That’s cool but it’s easier than ever to replace snail mail with email and texts.  But there is no evidence this shift has taken place.

Focus on Self.  When was the last time you checked up on a friend or relative you have not had the time for.  A call, a card, a text, an email – a visit?

Selfishness.  One major retailer told me that 70% of all their December 26^th returns comes from purchases made four days before Christmas suggesting that last minute shoppers buy anything, any size and let the recipient worry about taking it back.

Self-gifting.  What’s the need?  We live in a society that self-gifts constantly.  The alternative would be to give to someone else – or serve them (i.e., a soup kitchen, battered spouses, etc.).

In the end it doesn’t matter what the world does.

What we decide to do is what’s important.  It doesn’t even take a village.  It takes one person at a time listening to their conscience.

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Now, we’re really going out of our way to make our young folks self-absorbed.

If you haven’t seen the New York Times article on health spas for toddlers, here it is.  No kidding.

Let’s be honest – the best gift we can give our children is to get their attention off themselves and onto someone else.

Cellphones for children, really?  That’s peer pressure in lieu of real parenting.

Unrestricted screen time?  Not a gift.  We’re hurting them.

Being on our phones when we’re in their company – well, what do you expect? You’re raising a narcissist.

Children have the highest rate of attention deficit and depression now than in any previous era.

When we learn – and teach by our actions – that redirecting attention to others is more fulfilling, we’re also teaching gratitude.

Unbelievable self-absorption such as manicures and a ride in a health spa limo (you’ll see the picture in the story above) starts as a curiosity and becomes a standard.

Nip it now.

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For family:

Greet people as if you haven’t seen them in two weeks.  No more coming home from work and walking into a room as if no one is there.

It doesn’t matter if they’re on their mobile devices.  Make sure you’re not.  Walk in, and greet them with the most sincere and heartfelt hello – the kind you can resurrect from times when you’ve been away from loved ones for an extended period of time.

For someone you’re meeting for the first time:

Grasp their hand, look into their eyes and flash the biggest smile you are capable of producing.  The kind that says, “I just won the lottery” or “I just got a promotion” or “I won the sales trip to Hawaii”.

No one – absolutely no one – can resist a big smile and warm person centered interest.

Keep the good vibes going by asking this new acquaintance the first question about them not you.

The secret is people like us more when we warm them up with a smile and get them talking to us.

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Dedicate your day to someone special in your life – no need to tell them, but of course, you may.

This special person could be a spouse, a relative, a child, a friend – alive or somewhere fondly in your memory.

When facing tough times or tough hurdles, think of doing your best to stay motivated for someone by picturing their face.  Do it for them.

Remember how it felt to have a parent or someone special attend a sports event you were involved in or a presentation that you were doing.  How you looked around to notice and acknowledge them – you wanted to do even better than your best.

That extra push we’re all looking for from time to time comes from the pride of making someone special proud of us – it is a powerful motivator.

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I don’t know how New Year’s resolutions got started, but we all ought to agree to put a stop to them.

They most often start out good and end up forgotten sometimes as early as the first week in January.

Resolutions are good intentions gone bad.

Try making promises to yourself.  No public discussion of them.  Just best intentions that mean something to you.  We tend to treat promises we make to ourselves with more determination than resolutions.

Some examples:

• Promise not to demean yourself and when you catch yourself doing it, stop and substitute a positive example of your goodness.
• Retire the word “can’t” for as long as possible.  Then once you say it, retire it again – the goal being to extend the length of time between the last time and the next time we say, “I can’t”.
• Assume a virtue if you have it not – that’s a Shakespeare quote and a darn good positive reminder to all of us to assume we can do something we have never done before.
• Use the word “I’m sorry” as much as possible – and mean it.  I’m sorry means I am fallible but admitting it means I am not arrogant.
• Put on the top of your list of goals for 2015 – humility.  The one quality that people cannot resist and that inspires confidence is humility.  Nurture it.
• Do not try to make more money in the year ahead – promise your new goal will be to be better at what you do instead of getting rich at it.  The dirty little secret is that people who earn higher incomes almost always do so when they improve their ability to do their jobs not when they chase higher earnings.
• Promise yourself that you will live in the present and only visit the past.
• Stop with diet talk – start accepting your body as a gift the way it is.  Focus on healthy living not obsessive demeaning of your body.

A promise is the potential for excellence.

Happy New Year!

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With the recent Sony Pictures hacking of the movie The Interview about the assassination of North Korean President Kim Jong-un and the increasing number of similar invasions of privacy, there is evidence people are talking about changing the way they communicate.

It’s actually making people pick up the phone again.  A recent New York Times article quoted Girls producer Jenni Konner tweet “The worst thing about the Sony hacks is people using the phone again”.

Some thoughts:

• Never put anything into an email or digital communication that cannot be read by you in front of a jury in a court of law.  Think I’m kidding?  Lawyers make defendants read their own poison in open court all the time.
• You can’t unsay anything you say on the Internet and, believe it or not, even deleting messages from a hard drive can be undone.  That, too, happens in lawsuits, as incredible as it may seem.  And don’t get me started on what the FBI can do to bring a hard drive back to life.  So it can be done.
• Even social media services that champion privacy such as SnapChat are not fool proof.  The sender can decide how many seconds up to 12 that a message or image can be seen and then it disappears forever.  Forever? Well, not if the receiver made a quick screen shot of it.  See what I mean?
• We all have the right to say whatever we want but it is harder to assure privacy now in the insecure digital world.  So assume that your digital communication will be read by someone unintended and match the form of communication necessary to the need for privacy.

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• A day with your son or daughter with phones and digital devices turned off – yours, too.
• A two-sentence card to your spouse that says what you love about them and a second line to give a meaningful example.
• The gift of discovery – set out to do something alone or with someone or people you care about to do something you have never done before. No cheating.
• Self gift this to yourself – a list (as long as possible) of all the good things you’ve done for others and for yourself since last holiday season. Then post the list on the mirror where you shave or put on makeup.
• Forgive someone – the harder, the better.  Carrying around animosity even when it is deserved eats away at our happiness. Release it this holiday season. No big announcement. Just do it.
• Give the gift of your time to someone who really needs it – even a stranger you may never see again. Go to a nursing home – see a relative or friend.  Choose a person who needs a friend or a friendly ear, and make it you.
• Here’s one I do every year – call the spouse of a person who has lost their husband or wife. Call on Christmas Day or a few days before or after. You will make their day and make yours as well.
• Give to the needy or homeless in the names of those you care about (your children, spouse, friends or employees).  Then include a letter with your check honoring those folks and send them a copy. Okay, I cheated – I said gifts for under 0 cents, but the other ones have saved a lot of money. The size of the gift isn’t important – the thought and consideration is.

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The romanticized view of the holidays is that family and friends come together around food, in front of roaring fires in the warm glow of harmony and appreciation.

That’s not always the way it is in the real world.

Family conflicts. Strained relationships. Dealing with illness or loss. Celebrating with absences of people we love and care about.

The answer is gratitude – and an extra dose of it for the holidays.

We simply cannot feel down when we are making a conscious and repeated attempt to be grateful for that which we have.

First holidays without a loved one can be mitigated a bit by making a favorite recipe or tradition that fondly reminds you how fortunate you were to have them.

Can’t stand a sibling who ruins the holiday ever year?

Try getting empathetic instead of angry.

Something like “how awful it must be for her/him to have to create such turmoil at a special time of the year”. Just a brief moment of such empathy takes the power away from disruptive people.

Or you can do like I do, visit the past and then put it away, look to the future and plan with great anticipation but try to dwell in the present protected from those who have not yet discovered the meaning of valuing time and relationships.

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