I have written about how I often asked my USC students to give up their cellphones (or face a 27-page paper).

Of course, they reluctantly did it and reported back to the group that they both liked being phone-free and hated it.

I have an Apple Watch, iPhone, iPad, laptop and like you I’m grappling with ways to stay connected and be disconnected as well.

That’s called balance.

A friend of mine, R Dub!, a dj in San Diego, recently stashed his phone for a week while on vacation and got these results:

1. Slept better.
2. More polite – no glancing down or distracted conversations.
3. Took in life more and experienced it in the present.
4. No longer tempted to check the phone while driving – really, it used to wait and still does.
5. Recognized that the world didn’t end if he didn’t check the phone at least every hour.

The number of times we check our phones each hour is insane – more than once and many more times for teens.

The optimum use for your cellphone is a tool for communication and information, not a lifestyle.

Adjust it appropriately to get to a balance, but the first step is starting now.

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We recovered from the Great Recession many years ago according to statistics but somehow it doesn’t feel that way.

Jobs continue to be outsourced, eliminated or doubled up with added responsibility.

Only the outstanding companies devote needed time to managing people and getting the best out of them.

The elimination of the American worker in the name of “best practices” or “right-sizing” is not going to end any time soon.

So what should we do to deal with uncertainty about our careers?

1. Never even consider leaving a job that you absolutely love because of someone you work with or work for.  This is the one circumstance that requires you to outlast the offensive co-worker if at all possible.  Harassment or abuse are exceptions.  Never tolerate it.
2. Always be looking for your next job.  Athletes have agents who look ahead to free agency. TV reporters are constantly aware that the best career move may be one to another market even when they are relatively happy where they are.
3. The antidote for feeling insecure is to devote 10% of your time each month looking for potential jobs and/or getting the training to be employable elsewhere.  This way you will be less frightened when things turn sour.
4. Once a year take a few days to ask yourself if you want to continue to do what you do for another year.  Often we fear losing jobs that we really don’t want.  When we take time to review what we’ve done and what we would like to do a year ahead it often opens our eyes to new possibilities even if you can’t immediately leave your present employment.
5. Be positive about your skills.  Frequently before companies let people go, they write them up using trumped up reasons so that they have evidence to fire them.  Never let anyone get that deeply into your head that they can make you feel badly about the kind of work you do.

Replace fear thoughts with the realization that you are always a free agent.

In 100% of the cases, the next job is better than the one you don’t like or the one where your talents are not appreciated.

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1. No need to do everything.  Multitasking may be possible but it is not worth the stress.  Prioritize the 20% of things you want to do in a day and leave the rest for another time.
2. Be a peacekeeper.  Helping others find common ground is less stressful than fighting for everything – many of which really don’t matter.
3. Get out of bed only after you find a new thing or person to be grateful for once your eyes open.  You can repeat the same person or thing but always look for others.  Gratitude is a natural stress reliever.
4. Nurture yourself.  All of us too frequently neglect the wants and needs that we have.  Champion “me time”.
5. Lean on others.  There is nothing wrong with asking others for help. In fact, even if problems cannot be resolved, the interaction can be calming.
6. Divorce digital devices some of the day.  Do not sleep with them.  Power them down an hour and a half before bed if possible.  Enjoy digital connectivity but not at the expense of relationships.  Being distracted is stressful and we can control that.

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This is our biggest, most important challenge.

How often do we bend and twist to become a better fit for someone else’s agenda?

Compromise is fine, but life’s decisions are yours to make and no one else’s.

We sometimes work in jobs we don’t like.

Stay in relationships that are just plain wrong.

Miss opportunities to follow our dreams because someone else has a powerful influence on us.

My vow is to live my unique life – not that of someone else or unduly influenced by another.

When I told my Italian father who was a military man and government worker that I wanted to be a disc jockey on the radio, he did everything he could to talk me out of it.

He said I should find a more secure career (you think?) and do something more normal.  Of course, he was the one who eventually bragged to his friends to “listen to my son on the radio”.  To not follow my dream would have been the worst choice.

Even well-meaning people can detour us from the sequence of events that is our unique life.

Don’t live someone else’s life.  Start by talking honestly to yourself about that which makes you happy and fulfilled and have the confidence to listen to your inner voice.

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Politicians aren’t the only ones promising change.

Products make the same promise (remember “New Coke”).

When the new boss comes in and promises to shake things up, everyone gets nervous and they hardly ever win the enthusiastic cooperation of others.

When we promise a spouse, or friend that we will change our ways, we are taking on a task that is almost impossible to deliver on.

People want things to be better, not to change.

This means that if we want to be a better parent, we don’t have to turn over a new leaf, we only have to do something better (i.e., be a better listener, non-judgmental).

With our spouses and partners we don’t have to undertake a transformation that will make us this other person we probably don’t even want to be.

Just pick something between the two of you and make it better.

Focusing on being a better person in small but meaningful ways is the transformative change that makes a difference.

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You can’t think yourself into enthusiasm.

It must be an action.

When I taught the Dale Carnegie Course, one of the things that I wanted each student speaker to get was a rousing round of applause after their two-minute talk.

Simply asking audiences to be enthusiastic almost never works.

So I would have them stand on their feet and repeat after me five times: “Act enthusiastic and you’ll be enthusiastic” (louder each successive time).

When they took their seats again, the ambience in the room was noisier. And after each one of their classmates finished their talk, an enthusiastic round of applause followed.

This doesn’t just apply in a classroom.

Before I walk into an office for a meeting, I remind myself to act enthusiastic so I’ll be enthusiastic.

Before a speech or presentation, I get up and move around in a physically animated way. I want to be in motion.

When I greet people, they just don’t get a limp hand, they get an up-tempo hello.

It goes even further.

Greet family members with enthusiasm that you physically feel before you’re in their company.

No one can resist an enthusiastic person and all it takes is to remember this mantra: “Act enthusiastic and you’ll be enthusiastic”.

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When I get angry I feel out of control, not rationale and not the person I strive to be.

But there are times when anger is appropriate.

• When it is directed at the right person (too often it is hurled at the wrong person).
• When the reason is right – not something else that has been festering inside you.
• When the time is right and not embarrassing or inappropriate.
• When it is measured and not an all out frontal attack on another human being.
• And when you are sharing anger for a substantive reason.

Unbridled anger usually leads to unhappy people, disastrous outcomes and a lost opportunity to properly share passionate feelings.

Strive to communicate anger to others the way you would have them tell it to you.  You know you have succeeded when both parties are still civil.

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One of my friends is kind of irked at parents who arrange a play date for their children and then cancel at the last moment leaving a bunch of kids disappointed.

I feel a sense of obligation to answer all my email, keep my promises and show up for appointments.

Now that we can text and email, no need to even phone with excuses.

The same lack of consideration is evident for parties and events where people either don’t commit until the last moment or don’t show up when they commit.

I’m going to go on being as considerate as I can – so be careful, invite me to your parties and I’ll be there.

For everyone else who does not value the time of others, it’s one strike and you’re out.  Unfortunately we keep giving people the chance to be more considerate with the same disappointing results.

No more invitations.  No more play dates.

Live the life you want to live and set up boundaries for others who fail to value your time and show basic consideration.

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For those times when we need more self-esteem:

• If you’ve earned the right to do, speak, lead or participate in something important, that makes you uniquely qualified.
• Confidence isn’t a feeling.  It’s a commitment.  Kind of like faith and trust.  Every time we talk ourselves down, we have become the enemy.
• Increased confidence cannot be transferred from one person to another (sorry, motivational speakers).  We can be inspired by others but every individual is responsible for the way they feel about themselves and their abilities.
• Even being fallible or failing can be a confidence builder if we can find the positives in our actions (i.e., I worked for one full week on that presentation).
• Add a future promise – the next time I get the chance to do (whatever), I’m going to be even better.

And when you hit it out of the park, take a Confidence IOU.  Write it down, put it on your phone and review your victories daily.

People without great confidence in themselves fixate on perceived failures and easily forget their many successes that can inspire further confidence.

Never forget a success – no matter how small.  They help crowd out negative thinking that ruins self-confidence.

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Social media makes it easier to shame someone without having to actually look them in the eye.

To decide who is too fat, too skinny, too different and then have at them.

Body shaming is another form of hurtful and dangerous bullying because, as with bullying, the victim often eventually believes the criticism.

Here’s a good defense:

• Point out the uniqueness, the beauty and the goodness of people instead of focusing on the physical.
• Even when paying compliments we can inadvertently tie perceived good looks to a value they do not deserve.  My best friend Jimmy Weinraub had it right when he improved on “Your hair is beautiful” replacing it with “Your hair is as beautiful as you are a person”.  Then he would share a quick, authentic example that backed it up — “It was very considerate of you to bring cupcakes for everyone”.
• I love this one – think about and share with others how people’s bodies change over a lifetime as they age.  Tight abs can become a beer belly.  And this applies to everyone including the bully who is hurling shame towards their victims.  Never tie beauty only to physical looks because beauty is an ever-changing thing.
• Everyone pointing a finger at another has three pointing back at them, which means often the things bullies direct at others in hurtful behavior are weaknesses they see in themselves.

Don’t tolerate body shaming — set an example to friends, co-workers and children that it’s what’s inside them that counts.

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