Nothing has proved to be better than the way Ben Franklin decided things:

“My way is to divide half a sheet of paper by a line into two columns; writing over the one Pro and over the other Con. Then during three or four days’ consideration, I put down under the different heads short hints of the different motives, that at different time occur to me, for or against the measure. When I have thus got them altogether in one view, I endeavor to estimate their respective weights; and where I find two, one on each side, that seem equal, I strike them both out. If I judge some two reasons con equal to some three reasons pro, I strike out five; and thus proceeding, I find where the balance lies; and if after a day or two of further consideration, nothing new that is of importance occurs on either side, I come to a determination accordingly.”

• Two columns (pro/con)
• Take 3 days to consider
• Assign weights but if two are equal strike them both out
• If it’s close, throw both pros and cons out and figure out where the balance lies.
• If nothing new can be added to your list, you have come to a determination.

The best decisions result from weighing the evidence pro and con.

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The first time I was on television on the ABC affiliate in Philadelphia, I read the Teleprompter like a champ.

What an easy job, I thought.

Until the director walked into the ice-cold studio and said “We’re running about 4 minutes early, you’ll have to fill”.  Adlib!  I thought he was kidding.  I hoped he was kidding.

What gets us through public speaking opportunities and presentations is not what most people think it is – not some learned air of confidence but something more deep-seated that all of us can attain.

• You have earned the right to be speaking in public or leading a group.  Remember that fact often.
• Be yourself. Trying to imitate a speaker is the formula for failure but to be yourself makes you an expert.  I am Italian and enthusiastic.  I speak with my hands.  “Good” speakers are encouraged to be someone else but I don’t believe it.   Be you with hand gestures and all.
• Be authentic.  When I started a new class as professor of music industry at USC I would say, “I’m Italian and from New Jersey, anyone have a problem with that?”  The students would laugh because that is the way I talk.  It’s real.
• The biggest fear a speaker or presenter has is that they are going to forget what they intend to say.  Even to this day I rehearse my presentation or talk three times.  That’s it.  Each time it comes out differently which is good. The fourth time is the actual presentation and the way I do it is different again.  This is how you know you are being effective.  You know the material well enough to not worry about how it comes out.
• Confidence booster:  no audience ever knew if a speaker forgot something so don’t worry about remembering everything.
• Never memorize.  You’ll get caught.
• You can start with a set opening line and end with a memorized line – no longer – but the rest of your talk even if you use notes should be extemporaneous.
• To be enthusiastic as a speaker, I mingle with the audience before I talk so they can see I am just like them and to get my mind off the talk and focused on real people.
• When you take questions even from people who disagree with what you are saying – let them have their say, you had yours.
• Oh, and try not to use slides.  Make them available on Google Drive after the talk but the surest way to put an audience to sleep is to use PowerPoint.  Or as one of my USC students said, “if you use slides, make it a picture.  No words”.  They want to hear you!

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I had a friend who, when we were at a restaurant and were interrupted by the waitress, would come back and remember wherever I left off before the interruption.

I marveled at how he could do it because I sure couldn’t.

He always said, “When you speak, I listen, JD”.

One thing that can endear us to others in this digital connected world in which we live is to practice focused listening.

To listen instead of hear, being in the present is required.

Shaking off distractions is a skill that must be acquired.

And getting the feeling of being connected with another person desired.

Some people seem to be born good listeners but for the rest of us, there are these skills:

• Listen intently turning away distractions looking directly into a person’s eyes.
• Summarize in your mind as you hear interesting or significant things.  Imagine that most of us cannot recall what others in our lives say accurately because we’re not present in the conversation.
• Limit the conversation to your ability to concentrate.
• Ask questions when you can.
• Do not give in to the temptation to talk about yourself or your reaction to what another person is saying – and you won’t have to because most people who have been heard will ask you questions.
• Bette Midler’s line comes to mind:  “But enough about me, let’s talk about you. What do you think of me?”  Self-centered people talk about themselves even when they would have you believe they are listening to you.

Try deflecting attention away from yourself even once and you will have all the motivation you need to be a better listener.

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There is so much pressure every day to be someone else.

The person a family member expects, the spouse one of you really wanted, the parent your children seem to want even if that isn’t good for them – even someone in your workplace that you were not hired to be.

The games people can play are maddening.

And eventually our lives become like bumper cars banging around from expectation to expectation where we never quite feel right and where we can never win.

Refuse to play the games.

Do not try to win battles.

Win the war.

And the war should be always being the person you want to be.

When someone hits us, our natural tendency is to hit back, but consider letting them fight with themselves.  Always stay on course.

At the end of the day we are happier when we avoid needless games and stay true to the person you want to be.

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In a self-absorbed world, sometimes it feels like we’re not appreciated or respected.

This can impact our self-confidence.

But you can take matters into your own hands.

• Every time you have an accomplishment, write it down.  I add them on my iPhone’s note app for review when a boost of confidence is needed.  Scroll through frequently.  For some reason we don’t have to remember what we do wrong so this counteracts that.
• Think of every accomplishment large or small as an IOU redeemable by you when you are doing something new or that takes a great deal of confidence.
• Only work on self-improvement when you include a moment of self-appreciation.
• Never let anyone else commandeer control of your self-esteem.  Either spend less time with them or cut off contact if possible.  Letting the negative voices of others into our heads is a guarantee of diminished self-confidence.
• Memorize this mantra:  “I’ve done it before and I can do it again” and repeat it many times a day.

Think of your mind as a digital recorder and never allow anyone other than you to record directly into your psyche.

Even compliments!  Take them as substantiation of what you already know or when a person changes how they feel about you, you are vulnerable.

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Netflix now offers paid maternity and paternity leave for an entire year.

Google will do your dry cleaning, take care of your child for free and let you spend one day a week working on anything of your choosing.

Millennials love these benefits yet still, they leave these jobs just as someone unhappy in theirs would leave.

They are perusing their dreams.

Benefits, loose job descriptions and even pay do not guarantee a happy, rewarding and fulfilling career.

Here’s what I tell my young students to do when they are seeking a job they can love.

• Write down 5 things you would love to do in life even if you do not have the training or skills to get the job (you can always get it later).
• Do not include your current job or the thing that you have trained for or, for that matter, the career in which you have spent the most time.
• Take up to three months (and I mean this) to compile a list that you are sure of.
• Then rank the main areas of interest in order of importance.
• Look to see whether any two can be combined meaning one job would allow you to do two of your main interests.
• Repeat this process every year. Avoid a rut. It is surprising how many people stay in dying industries because they dare not dream about doing something different.

I am about to complete my annual list at the end of the summer after I take more beach days to think things through. Even though I have three businesses I always check to see if what I am doing now is what I want to continue to do and sometimes things make the list to make me aware of a dream that I may have shrugged off.

Last year I saw short form video pop up on my list so I am working to integrate it into what I do. Who knows what will show up this year.

We have one life — why waste it by ignoring the dreams that make us love what we do for a living.

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It’s not how much time we spend.

It’s about how long we are 100% present.

At work, focus on work.

At home, focus on family, relationship and personal.

We’re looking in the wrong place if we’re looking to divvy up our time in minutes or hours instead of how long we can be 100% present in the things we do and with the people we are with.

Your son and daughter don’t need you to increase the time you spend with them.  They need you to increase your ability to be 100% present with them – one on one.  Listening not judging and not on your cell phone, either.  Bag it when you want balance.

No need to force yourself to spend more time with your spouse when you can give him or her 100% of your attention and be with them in ways that often get overlooked.  No phones.  No screens.  No distractions.  You there with them 100% of the time.

All of us could be more effective at work – me as well as I have several businesses and one vocation.  Maybe you’re like me.  There is not enough time in a week to get everything done.  Focusing 100% of your attention on the 20% of the tasks that bring 80% of the productivity helps put work and career in its place.  Not spilling over into other areas of life that become deprived as a result.

Balance life by being 100% all-in with those around you not by shifting or increase time spent.

Being 100% present with another person even for a limited time is equal to spending a full day with them distracted.

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Being fired is better than fearing it.

Most people are relieved when the axe falls but the thing that holds them back from going on is all those fears they had in anticipation.

Nobody will want me.  Today’s economy is different.  Everyone is cutting back.  I don’t have the education or skills.  I’m too young.  I’m too old.  I’m embarrassed.  Lost my confidence.  I don’t know how we’re going to pay the bills.  I could lose my house.

Geez, I’m getting depressed just writing these things.

How about this?

I’m a talented person.  Today’s economy is perfect for what I have to offer.  Companies still need people even when they are automated.  My youth is an advantage.  My age is an advantage.  I can’t say I liked losing my job but I have no reason to hang my head.  My confidence will grow ever day when I think about new opportunities available to me.  Somehow we’ll handle the finances.  A fulfilling career is more important than a house.

Almost every successful person has had career obstacles to overcome.

Losing your job is a gift waiting to be opened the day you get to start anew and realize all the things you didn’t have on the previous job.

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I admit, I have negative thoughts all the time.

After all, I am a Philadelphia sports fan!

Seriously, there is a reason I became a Dale Carnegie instructor. I wanted a way forward to keep negative thinking from ruining my life.

I’d love to tell you I know all the answers about this – or even one.

But I can share something that has made a difference for me.

Surround yourself with positive people.

Out in Arizona they have rattlesnakes and if you see one in their natural habitat you almost have to look twice because they blend in with their environment.

We are like that, too.

We become like the people in our lives.

If they are negative, we will become more negative even if it isn’t our nature.

But if they have an air of positivity about them, that will rub off on us.

I know what you’re thinking.

Jerry, how can I get rid of negativity. I’m married to it. Or it’s my brother or sister. Or I work with it 8 hours a day.

When you can’t avoid negativity, you must be doubly ready to not let it drag you down. And yes, sometimes there is divorce or siblings don’t spend a lot of time with each other because negativity gets old.

My best friend was like a breath of fresh air. He could lift me out of depression, make me more optimistic and build my confidence – all that because he was that kind of positive person.

No one can make us feel negative about ourselves or our lives unless we help them do it. We must be on guard to replace their negative talk with positive thinking.

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Brandel Chamblee, former pro golfer and now analyst for The Golf Channel said this about golf that also applies to our lives.

“We forget too often about how big a part of this game heartache is.  Jack Nicklaus won 18 major championships but he finished second 29 times in the majors”.

Ouch, that hurts.  Really hurts.

But sometimes it’s better to endure the heartaches of disappointment because it makes us better in the end.

Without loss, there can be no meaningful victories.

Without failure, no success.

I know of no one who ever succeeded by succumbing to disappointment.

As The New York Times said recently writing about sports “one person’s stumbling block is another person’s building block”.

Everyone knows we play to win – to succeed, to measure up but few know that to get there you have to endure disappointment and turn it into positive energy to come roaring back.

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