People who are newly in love crave the company of each other.

Longer-term relationships often become devoid of that passion, interest and warmth that came so easily in the beginning.

Marriage, children, work can take its toll.

All the marriage counselors, books and date nights out will not necessarily recapture that loving feeling.

Find novelty where there is love.

Find new ways to do things.

Put that cellphone away after checking messages and emails.

Focus on walking home a new way.

Finding a new place to eat.

Shopping for something new to wear that you’ve never owned before.

Two people who continually look for ways to find novelty where love is are able to recapture exactly how it felt when they met.

A girl tells her boyfriend:

– After our marriage I will let you kiss me where nobody else has kissed me.

– Where is that?

– In Hawaii.

Okay, it doesn’t have to be an expensive trip.

Anthropologist Helen Fisher says, “Research shows that novelty–taking risks or trying something new–can trigger the release of dopamine in the brain.  I’m not just talking about novelty in the bedroom (although that would be a good start). You can get the same effect from sampling a new type of cuisine together or riding the roller coaster at an amusement park.”

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My friend, the late dj and radio program director Jay Cook used to put a smile on his face as he turned on his mic.

And he sounded warm, friendly and got large audiences to listen and like him.

You may be the nicest person in the world but when anxiety sets in, you’re in a rush, involved in your cellphone, you don’t necessarily come off that way.

When we look at people we don’t know, we make a judgment about whether we like them, trust them, feel safe around them in a nanosecond.

Some look so sour they have that constipated look frozen on their face.

Try this today.

The next 10 people you see say, “I wish you well” to yourself as you make eye contact.  Watch what happens to them.

And be cognizant of what will happen to you — how it unlocks your goodness and kindness without ever having to say a word.

Yes, this works in a meeting.

It works in an airport terminal with people you don’t know.

And with family.

A smile may be a frown turned upside down but it is also your greatest ambassador.

No words can accomplish what a smile can do.

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Once a day, every day dedicate the same time to channel your inner gratitude.

Commuting to and from work.

Shaving (that’s my favorite).

Taking a run.

Before you say goodnight.

Who is that special person who would be happy for you if you got the promotion, got a raise and made more money than they did, had a happier outcome in a personal relationship – you get the idea – the one who would not want one penny if you won the lottery.

See the person in your mind’s eye.

Say why you are grateful for that person.

Even if you don’t get a chance to tell them over and over again, expressing gratitude silently.

Few of us wake up in the morning and say, “I feel too appreciated”.  Think about the people you care for most – and it can be the same people over and over for similar or different reasons – and take gratitude to a higher level.

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The past is a file.

You should open up, consult it and put it away. Too many open files distract us from living in the present.

The future is about hopes and dreams.

But you can’t keep planning ahead at the expense of living in the now.

Living in the present should not be as hard as it is but with open files and unfinished plans, we live in a constant state of distraction. The average person has 150 “undone tasks” at any time.

And it has been proven that the more time people spend distracted, the more anxiety, depression, attention deficit and even dementia occurs later in life.

Stop living in the past by closing open files and avoiding the mistake of living in the future that has not yet occurred.

“The present that duals with the past sacrifices the future” – Amit Sood

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As much as the holidays represent family time, it can be a disaster.

Pent up feelings, unresolved issues and anxiety that comes from everyone being together can lead to a bad outcome.

There are a lot of things that can be done to avoid the drama that can ruin family time together, but the best approach is simple to do.

Don’t try to improve loved ones.

The person who tries to improve another person is signing on for disaster because they most assuredly will be more miserable for the trying than the person they are trying to change.

Enjoy the day.

Enjoy the time together.

Heap on lots of gratitude.

But when you’re beginning to get the feeling that you need to intercede and get involved in another person’s drama, you will always be unhappier.

Family occasions are relatively few.

Weddings, birthdays, graduations, funerals, holidays.

You can survive any family drama if you take the vow to not try to improve a loved one.

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When people don’t care enough to be helpful, there is an alternative.

Keep looking for another person who can and will help and avoid the anger and disappointment you feel.

Here’s what works – yes, it even works on Comcast service reps because as you know Comcast has a terrible reputation for customer service and too many of their employees live down to their employer’s reputation.

This is what I call ‘Dialing For Dollars”.

When I asked a Comcast service rep to help me with an Internet issue, I got the usual run around and attitude.

It was so unnerving I had to get off the phone fast or I would have said things I would regret.

By accident, then, I called right back and yes, got another unhelpful sales rep.

My wife was nearby watching me go through this agony and I joked, “I’m dialing for dollars” and “I’m going to keep calling until I get someone at Comcast who cares if I have to call back 100 times in a row”.

And a few calls later, I found this angel of mercy.

She was so nice I said, “Have you ever heard of Dale Carnegie? (who wrote How To Win Friends and Influence People).  She said not only had she heard of him, she took his course.  And then we connected, because for many years I taught that course.

Why keep hitting our heads against the wall.

There are lots of unhelpful people in the world but if we keep looking there is one to make up for all of them.

No matter how greedy or self-absorbed people become, don’t settle for it and stay positive – there is someone who cares and wants to help.

Even at Comcast!

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Whether it’s a terrorist bomb attack, a deranged person with an automatic weapon firing on students or theatergoers, it’s a scary and sometimes depressing world.

The other day I got a pick me up from, of all people, the wisdom of Fred Rogers (Mister Rogers for decades on PBS).

Rogers said when he was on the verge of losing faith in humankind, his mother always told him to look to the helpers – the people who come up big when their lives are in danger or when they are needed to help.

Fred Rogers passed away in 2003 of stomach cancer but his timely words then not only live on now, they console me as they may inspire you to look beyond the bad to see the good in people.

“When I was a boy and I would see scary things in the news, my mother would say to me, “Look for the helpers. You will always find people who are helping.” To this day, especially in times of “disaster,” I remember my mother’s words and I am always comforted by realizing that there are still so many helpers – so many caring people in this world.”

Children may not fully know what is going on in the world, but they can sense when their parents are scared or upset.

Give them the useful tools to become future peacemakers.

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Bag all those studies that say we get happier as we get older.

Money, accomplishments and power are not what they used to be.

A new, massive study was conducted with 50,000 adults by NORC at the University of Chicago, a non-partisan research group that has been studying these things since 1972.

For the first time, 18-29 year olds were happier than more mature adults.

Women were happier then men.

There are no easy answers.

Younger people still have hope and one theory is that older folks are becoming more disappointed with jobs, the “happiness” money can’t buy for them and troubled relationships.

What to do?

Stop focusing on imperfections and be grateful for the good things and special, loving people in your life.

The more gratitude that is expressed, the less time you have worrying about the things that rob you of happiness.

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Tell them they did something very well or (if it applies) that they were correct about something they said.

Guaranteed to get their attention promptly.

Why?

When was the last time someone told you you were right or remembered fondly something that you said?

Ever notice that people don’t really want advice, even if they ask for it.

They want someone to listen to them.

When self-absorbed people ramble on and on (and they do this more now than ever), it is a call for recognition by someone other than themselves.

They want to be validated by you.

When someone turns a deaf ear to what you’re saying, look to the other side of silence to determine what scares or upsets them the most.

Dale Carnegie in his best selling book tells the story of how a good listener at a party can somehow be complimented as being a great conversationalist.

The edge goes to the person who understands that someone will listen to you avidly when you listen to them first.

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A study of 1,095 people average age 33 in Denmark showed that Facebook was ruining their lives.

After a week 88% of those not on Facebook said they were happy, compared to the 81% still on Facebook.

But only 12% of the people who didn’t use Facebook described themselves as “dissatisfied” vs. 20% for Facebook users.

The Facebook users were also 55% more likely to feel stressed.

The people who didn’t use Facebook claimed after the week was over that they actually had a better social life and had less trouble concentrating.

It’s probably not just Facebook but any social media that requires time and attention away from personal interaction.

• Use Facebook, Twitter and social media as you would sugar – to sweeten the day but not as a steady diet.
• Take social media vacations – almost everyone who is either forced to or voluntarily sets aside their digital devices temporarily comes away with two feelings:  one, that it felt good to do and two, that they couldn’t wait to get back with their social media (after all, it’s addictive).
• Life is to be lived in the present with real people, interactions and the nuances that go with direct contact.  Social media is just a tool in our digital lives.

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