Most people are awfully hard on themselves.

But often doing the best that we can is more than enough.

Remembering that is worth a lot.

I tell my USC students who wanted to know the secret to success in the music and media industry is just to focus on being excellent at what they do.

Being excellent is different from setting out to make money.

Get good.

Not rich.

Constantly judging ourselves can become self-abuse.

Try to improve – yes, by all means.

Money and happiness often follows being great at what you do instead of being good at making money.

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Jimmy Kimmel is doing a feature called Mean Tweets in which popular entertainment stars walk on stage from behind a curtain and read a real mean tweet sent to them.

At first, it’s a bit disturbing but then as star after star comes forward and reads these hateful comments, you wind up laughing at the depraved person who wrote them and hit send.

The stars have it right.

They laugh, they make faces and they basically make fun of the person who tweeted them.

Humor is a way to deflect hateful language whether in a tweet, an email or in person. Embrace it and encourage it in others especially young people.

The moment you let this vitriol get to you, the spineless perpetrator wins.

But laugh at them, which is what you do when you see how attractive stars read them out loud and the joke is on the hater.

Laugh beyond shame and the shame deflects to the haters.

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Gossip seems to be the major form of communication at work.

People can be two-faced with a smile.

The results are almost always hurtful and often damaging to your career.

This is simple advice that is not that simple to do.

Gossip presumes that there will be a gossiper and a listener.  If no one listens, the gossip falls idle.

If we don’t like people to gossip about us, don’t listen to gossip about anyone else (I told you this is not simple to do).

We can also put back biting in its proper place by:

• Asking if it’s true.
• Is what is being said going to make for goodwill and better friendships?
• Will it benefit all concerned?
• If backbiting amounts to sexual harassment or discrimination, tell the offender to stop and report it to your superior or HR if it continues.  Sadly, harassment and discrimination still runs rampant even in 2015.

Put backbiters in their place by being proactive.

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New research tells us that looking down at your phone can force up to 60 pounds of weight on your spine.

I see it in me and others who look more bent over – even people in their teens and 20’s who are more prolific when it comes to texting.

Another finding is that an average person spends between two and four hours a day looking down on their smartphones.

If the proven peril of texting while driving can’t get us to stop texting then being bent over and pressuring our necks isn’t going to do it either.

The answer.

Keep texting.

Align your ears with your shoulder blades in a neutral position.

Put your phone directly in front of your face.

In years to come, you can avoid back pain and a permanently slouched posture.

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The best advice I have ever heard about arguing is Dale Carnegie’s wisdom:

“The only way to get the best of an argument is to avoid it”.

Yes, that too.

But when an argument breaks out at work or at home, let go the satisfaction of having to be right if being right means that you lose or damage that relationship.

• Hurt?  Use language that expresses how you feel not how bad the other person is.  Instead of “You’re never available when I need you” try “I wish we could spend a few moments together – it would mean a lot to me”.
• Ban the word “you” and substitute the word “I”.
• Express your thoughts sincerely not with an attitude.

Some kinds of anger are appropriate and helpful.

Controlled outrage helps us express ourselves to others.

Inappropriate anger is hurtful, damaging and ineffective.

If your goal is to strike out at the other person for their part in a disagreement, keep yelling.

But if you can’t avoid an argument and want to maintain your relationship, use these rules to make the best of it.

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Try to please them.

Try to make the answer “yes” as often as you can.

Cultivate the heart of a servant.

You may not like that word – servant – but some of the best liked people have an innate ability to be well thought of because they try and try again to do as much for another person as possible.

Even a self-absorbed person cannot resist liking someone who can bring themselves into the favor of another by serving their needs.

I know people like this and you may, too.

Some are very successful salespeople but a remarkable number are well liked because they have this one quality that almost no one can resist.

To ingratiate yourself to orders and win their favor, have the heart of a servant and say yes as many times as you can.

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My wife and I were playing golf at The Woodstock Golf Club in Vermont last week and something wonderful happened – no, not our golf scores.

Better.

This gentleman named Larry loaded our clubs on the cart (earning a tip).

At the halfway point he offered to get us anything we wanted to eat from the restaurant and bring it to us on the course so we could continue our round on a sunny and beautiful day (another tip).

When we finished the 18^th hole, Larry cleaned our clubs but when I handed him another well-earned tip, he said, “No, I’m not going to take it, you’ve been too generous”.

I can’t remember the last time that happened.

I insisted he take the tip but had to physically put the money in his pocket.

Some people are the opposite. When you leave an extra tip, it doesn’t get you as much as a thank you.

Of course giving should not come with strings, but a great time to be grateful is often missed.

When you believe good deeds don’t have to have a price on them, you reap an even bigger reward.

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Donald Trump appears bigger than life.

But when he said “Look at that face … would anyone vote for that?” referring to another presidential candidate Carly Fiorina, he took shaming to the next stage.

In fairness, Trump denies he was talking about her looks but was talking about her persona.

Yes, it’s a political race and all things seem to be an option these days but we risk becoming a society of shamers.

What’s worse is when children shame other children in social media virtually making it impossible to escape from the torment.

Shaming isn’t going to go away any time soon unless we are willing to stand up and set the record straight every time we hear it.

She’s fat (no, her size has nothing to do with her as a human being).

He’s gay — some New Jersey college students hounded one of their dorm mates literally to death when he committed suicide to escape the shaming (judge people for the fine person they are not what you think they should be).

You’re ugly (everyone is beautiful in their own way).

YOU have a two-piece bathing suit (Why not?  Did you ever see what guys look like when they eat and drink too much and then wear a one-piece?

And women are shamed more than men – that’s just plain not acceptable.  Every man has a mother, or may have a sister or wife or girlfriend.  Would they want their loved ones to be subjected to that hurt?

Make a commitment to stamp out shaming as soon as you hear it – rise up, defend and show compassion.

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The stress we feel at work is made worse when we think about work 24 hours a day whether we are in the office or at home.

You may be a powerful executive, huge talent or high performing salesperson, but at home you are none of these.

You are a co-provider, partner, spouse, mother, father, son or daughter, family member.

The regrets that most people have in their final years on this earth are not that they didn’t work enough, but that they weren’t available to be a part of other people’s lives.

It’s not the hours of days you work.  It is living in the “at work mode” even when you’re not there.  You might as well stay at work all day and night with this mindset.

After Bob Crandall retired as the ironfisted CEO of American Airlines, he spoke at one of my seminars.  I expected this pugnacious exec to be a hard driving, difficult personality.

But Crandall showed up with his wife from whom he was taking orders.  The two of them planned to sail around the world on a yacht and post their observations to celebrate his retirement.

How could this man hated by unions and feared by almost everyone else be such a – well, such a pushover in the presence of his wife?

There’s work and there’s home and Bob Crandall knew the difference.

We can eliminate the stress of feeling like we’re letting friends and loved ones down by being 100% present in their company.

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• Try to see things from the other person’s point of view.
• Consider whether the other person may know something that you do not know.
• Avoid the use of these words “you”, “always”, “never”.  They do not lead to happy outcomes.
• Disagreements are not necessarily bad – see if you can live with what is at the issue.
• Never argue in front of children.  It scares them and teaches them the wrong way to resolve their differences.
• Let go of having to be right if being right means you lose a friend or a loved one.
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