I attended a seminar in Phoenix a few years back by Dr. Amit Sood, a Mayo Clinic physician and author of the book Stress-Free Living. 

He jolted everyone when as one of his helpful suggestions he said “don’t postpone joy”.

I sat there guilty as charged.

Perhaps you’re like me.  And it’s not that I’m not grateful for the good things (and sometimes even bad) that happen.

It’s that I tend not to take anytime celebrating the good things that happen – even the little things.

I just move on to whatever challenge is next.

So here’s the fix.

When you do something good – or great or even when you step up and confront a problem.  Celebrate it.

Here’s a few ways:

• Tell someone about it.

• Take time to congratulate and reward yourself.

• Credit others who may have helped you achieve joy.  If you go for a walk with your child without cellphones and talk and find yourselves laughing and having a good time, thank that person for the laughs you had together.

• Look for opportunities to become aware of the joyful things that happen in your life.

Too frequently we humans are better at agonizing over perceived problems, which makes us postpone joy.

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Marilyn Sorensen, PhD and author of Breaking the Chain of Low Self-Esteem helps us differentiate between guilt and shame.

“Unlike guilt which is the feeling of doing something wrong, shame is the feeling of being something wrong”.

Father Martin Padovani Healing Wounded Emotions says:

“There is healthy shame that we all need – that we are worthwhile persons with boundaries and limitations.  The ‘shamed” and the ‘shameless” are unfortunately present in epidemic proportions in society.”

Shame kills self-esteem.

Love kills shame.

Shame is the killer of our spirit and makes us a slave to comments from others that eventually can control our self-esteem.

The most effective ways to deal with shame:

• Accept your faults only as long as you can name an equal number of good virtues giving thanks for the good things to balance the ledger.

• Avoid being co-dependent to another person (i.e., don’t rely on them to validate you).

• No one must ever get your permission to act in an abusive way.

• Self-love is the antidote for shame.  The more you cultivate and appreciate the fine person you are – faults and all – the less likely you will become a victim of living with the debilitating residue of shame.

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Not “me”.

Not “I”.

It’s “you”.

When we talk in terms of another’s interests, they are drawn to us especially in a self-absorbed world.

The best way to cure yourself of self-absorption is to ban the use of the words “I” and “me” from your vocabulary for a week or so and see if you like the response.

But say “you” a lot because the one sure way to make people feel kindly towards you is when your focus is on them, not yourself.

Ask them about themselves.

Don’t feel obliged to weigh in on everything with a me, to a follow up comment.

I realize that we live in an age of self-absorption but it makes the person who can focus on “you” even more impressive.

Rest “me” and “I”.

Try “you”

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I don’t know how to put this delicately, but The Huffington Post the other day featured a story about the increase in people having sex with their phones in their hands.

Wait one minute.

According to the article (which you’ll notice I read, by the way), the sound of a text message is often more alluring than – well, you get the point.

We are entering an age when our cellphones and digital screens are killing relationships.

Social media is fun but not a substitute for living in real time with other people.

Here is some of the best cellphone advice I have gathered that is becoming more relevant every day.

• Never at dinner – phones should be out of sight where they cannot be heard.

• I’m hearing doctors say that for a better night’s sleep don’t look at a screen within at least an hour before bedtime.

• You’re not going to listen to this one but it is becoming popular advice: don’t put your phone on the table next to your bed.

• Go for walks with phones off – powered down.

• Look for reasons to call, not text. We text too much. Texting is good for some things but not a replacement for the warmth of a human voice.

• My favorite and most difficult: consciously try to find a way to use your phone less.

I’m not giving up my phone. I like it. Okay, I love it. But I am not about to let my phone become my life.

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My best friend was an insurance salesman and a good man.

He actually delivered the death benefit checks to the widow or widower and attended the funerals.

So when he first said it, I was surprised.

Aspire, don’t retire.

Here’s the gist of his thinking.

Each day, the harder you work, the more you earn the right to aspire to anything you want at some point.

You may work 55 hours a week and love your work, so you can choose to work 25 hours a week if you like at some point.

Or aspire to something you have always wanted to do.

My friend Dan Mason left his executive post at CBS Radio to try his hand at something he always wanted to do – play-by-play basketball.  His first broadcasts of women’s basketball games were exciting because he prepared for the task as if he were 21.

This is not about age.

College students understandably talk about making money when they graduate (to help pay their student loans among other things) but many wish for a time when they don’t have to work.  This is before they even start their careers.

No matter the age – always aspire.

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We read books, go to counselors, watch Dr. Phil – and it’s still difficult for us to change our ways.

Why is this?

I believe that people – all of us – can be expert at learning about ourselves but what took place very early in our lives in our families of origin set the path for the rest of our lives.

Child psychologists agree.  Our basic personality is set in the pre-school years.

Unless we come from perfect families – and I have yet to meet that person, everyone is dysfunctional in some way or another.  Some more than others.

Recently I had an epiphany.

A person I know died but in his last conversation with me shared how hard it was to choose sobriety every day for decades.

And make that tough choice, he did.

He became sober by choosing to be sober every day – sometimes more than once a day – day after day.  That’s change you can count on.

It’s no different for the rest of us.

We can gain great insights from counseling and that can be helpful but actively choosing a course of behavior is what really changes us.

Each choice may be short-lived but just as my friend chose over and over again to be sober, we can choose that which we want independent of whether it comes easy to us.

Choose to be a more loving spouse than perhaps our family members were.

Choose to be more empathetic by consciously saying to yourself – that must be awful, difficult (you provide the right word) for that person.

Choosing not to judge or shame others each time you become aware of it.

Choosing to fix that which we break in our complex relationships.

We don’t change no matter what great insight we have into our behavior.

We make choices that can bring about a more positive outcome.

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Here are some of the things psychologists and family counselors say about never becoming a patient of theirs.

• Eat one meal a day together with digital devices off.

• Be 100% present when you are with a loved one – being present is far more important then how long you are in each other’s company.

• Don’t try to change another person no matter how much you may want to – it guarantees that at least one of you will always be very unhappy.

• Show empathy toward the other person – the ability to understand and share feelings.

• Avoid grading each other.

• Work as hard at your relationship as you work at your career and you will be just as successful.

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It always amazes me that in study after study, the overwhelming fear of people like us is not even death or illness or loss of a job or a loved one.

They all rank high but number one and ascending every year is our fear of speaking.

Yes, we fear speaking even more than our own death.

As a radio and television performer I have had people ask me why I don’t get nervous and I stop them dead in their tracks and say, I do.  I have butterflies but I get them to fly in formation.

And that’s the key.

Try to imitate another speaker and the best you can be is second to them.

Insist on being scared instead of being authentic and, yes, you will guarantee a lifelong fear of speaking.

That presentation you need to make has probably caused anxiety and loss of sleep.

So, have the courage to be yourself in front of a group.

If you are comfortable in your own shoes, audiences will be comfortable with you as well.

And a few quick hints for those special speaking fears that run rampant so you can put them in their proper place.

• Number one rule, which should never be violated – speak only on what you know.

• The fear that you will forget what to say is laid to rest by simply reviewing something that you previously said or, as I like to say “where was I?”  If no one answers, I usually joke “was it that impressive?”  They laugh.  I promise, someone will tell you where you left off.
• For those whose faces get red, red is a beautiful color.  Enjoy it.

• If you think you’re not loud enough, some of the most compelling talks I have ever heard have been by speakers with a soft voice.

• If you are afraid to look individual audience members in the eye, remember that when you do, they will make you more comfortable.

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When I feel like I am being ignored or dismissed, it makes me angry.

It has something to do with my childhood – the attention on another family member’s illness when growing up and not getting enough of what I thought I needed.

I can withstand just about anything – name-calling, insults, embarrassment – but being ignored or forgotten is my big weakness.

I share this with my extended family here because knowing what that trigger is can make all the difference in the world.

I see it in others more easily than I see it in myself.

The 15-year old who becomes angry and out of control when she feels helpless.

And for all those years I thought it didn’t matter what my biggest weakness is because it’s mine, and it’s private.

That turns out to be wrong.

If we don’t know that weakness, believe me someone else will discover it and not be so gentle with us.

Maybe a boss.

A friend.

Even or especially a family member.

So what is your biggest weakness – the thing that makes you react instead of respond when it comes over you?

Knowing it means everything and can make life a lot happier and rewarding when we can put it in its proper place.

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I make decisions the way I clean out my closet.

I take everything that I know I want to keep and leave it on a hanger and everything else – even if I think I might need or want it later (like a radio station tee shirt)  – goes into another bedroom for three months just in case I change my mind.

No, I have never taken even one item and returned it to the closet but knowing I had a backup plan makes me more decisive for the task at hand.

We have a phenomenal friend who has an opportunity to take a job in another city.

He’s an only child and feels an obligation toward his parents.  The move might be exciting but he’s not sure it’s the right thing to do.

When we have a decision to make, look for a backup plan.

Try it for a year.  See how it goes.  How do the parents cope and how much do you feel fulfilled.

If there is a plan to fall back on, we tend to move forward with more ease.

And that’s my advice to anyone who has a big decision coming up.

Don’t accept it on faith and hope and don’t reject it on fear.

Get a Plan B and then live life to the fullest.

Even if we eventually find we made a mistake, mistakes can be far more valuable than indecision, which is loaded with fear and regret.

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