1. Trust
2.  Inability to effectively communicate
3. Fear of intimacy

Inability to effectively communicate comes from not being able to listen, not the notion that expressing yourself better is the problem.  It is ironic that we spend so much time worrying about how to communicate when it is the exact opposite skill that accomplishes the goal.

Trust is everything between people.  Once it is breached, it is a hard thing to overcome.  Look at trust as the ticket to admission for a healthy relationship.  Do everything you reasonably can on your part to be trustworthy.  Without trust, it is hard to be close to another.

Fear of intimacy is the number one problem in our society.  This means that we are reluctant to let others see us for how we really are and it applies to not just those who we are close to but to all the people in our lives.  Fearing closeness is never a good thing.  Rise up and get the courage to be the person you want to be in every situation.

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Nothing will kill your chance at success more than “I can’t”.

Most of us – if we are to be honest – do not need others to limit our potential because we are subconsciously doing it in our mind with limitations such as “I can’t”, “not possible”, “not for me”.

One strategy is to reject others who put such limitations on us – i.e., your child gets 3 A’s and one B and your first comment is, “What did you get the B in?”

The other is to take this vow today – this very morning – to stop saying “I can’t” and replace it with one or all of the following.

I will. 

I can try real hard.

I’d love the chance.

We can reprogram ourselves to think in the affirmative, reject the limitations directed at us by others and always believe that we have a can do attitude.

The difference between winners and losers in sports is the attitude of possibility and this same statement of positivity works in other areas of our lives as well.

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The last thing any of us need is a better “To Do” List.

In fact, we are multitasking ourselves into madness, frustration and increased anxiety.

If you want to see real change in your daily life real fast, make a “Don’t Do List” – the things that are in your purview that you have consciously decided to not do.

Nothing pays dividends more than this.

Over 50 years ago an author named Alan Lakein came up with a system of prioritization that would have you organize everything in A’s, B’s and C’s

A’s must get done today.

B’s are tomorrow’s A’s.

C’s are on hold.

The on hold tasks are the ones I discovered never get done so why not relegate them to a “Don’t Do List”.

Being more efficient is not going to make us happier.

Doing more things every day is not going to make us richer.

Multitasking is contributing to high anxiety.

Some things just shouldn’t be done at all and knowing the difference and putting them in their place means everything.

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The murders of innocent Black people caught on cellphone video incite the masses.

Innocent Dallas policemen just looking to protect the rights of protesters to speak at a peaceful rally gunned down by a lone gunman with hatred in his heart.

And all this replayed over and over again on traditional and social media.

Makes it tough for people who reject this type of behavior or who have children who are witnessing what appears to be the unraveling of America as if it were the 1960’s all over again.

Living in a world of racial violence requires small, steady steps of positivity that will in the end prevail over such hatred and violence.

1. 99.9% of America is made up of good people who do not condone nor encourage racial violence – a statistic worth remembering because you won’t hear it on social media or television news.
2. Focus on the first responders, the people who do good in bad situations – this is our hope because it represents the majority of Americans.
3. Hatred now travels at the speed of social media that explains why shootings and even arrests are streamed live on sites like Facebook.  We need to govern our use of social media to allow a moment of context. Social media is an excellent source of exposing wrongdoing but it is also an excellent source at starting a riot.

A day after the Dallas shootings in a post office far away in Moorestown, NJ a black father never let go of the hand of his son – not for one moment. He experienced no threats or cause for concern but to neutralize the less than 1% of the popular that harbors hatred and hurts people, it is our responsibility to show our humanity to others and remind them that we are all one.

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I recently met a woman – a nurse – who had just returned from Ecuador for one year helping the poor and sleeping on the floor of the village’s only schoolhouse every night.

As I professed amazement, she lovingly told of the people and how kind they were even though “they had nothing”.  They lived in poverty.

But whatever she could do for them they appreciated.

Their way of showing gratitude was to prepare a meal using all the food they had gathered for themselves for the week ahead.  (And she said you had to eat it all lest you insult them).

There is goodness all around us.

And people who have “nothing” that have everything.

Surveys show the happiest places on earth tend to be the South Pacific islands where people live virtually stress free which is why even we can’t invade their islands and get them upset.

What is nothing and what is everything?

Gallup tells us $70,000 is the average income of an American family of two earners where the most happiness is reported.

And when a couple makes $80,000 together each year their income may go up but their happiness doesn’t increase in kind.

My takeaway is this.

Happiness has less to do with how much income we make and more to do with living a less stressful life in deep gratitude for what we have.

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A lot of time and money is spent on trying to get us to change ourselves.

Improvement programs, books, apps, psychologists and counselors.

I prefer to think of it like this:  we’re unique.  There is only one of each of us on this planet and for better (and sometimes worse) that makes us special.

The focus should be on unlocking that which is already good about ourselves more often, bigger and more dramatically.

For instance, someone could spend a lifetime trying to live up to the expectations of others and fail when we have one or two special attributes that get lost in the self-improvement program.

We might be an unusually good listener.

Or a good friend.

Or generous.

To spend a lifetime listening to others who would have you become what they want is a zero sum game all the way around.

The time spent on trying to be what we’re not is subtracted from the time we have available to be all the good things we are.

Improve?

By all means.

But unlock more of the good stuff first.

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That’s the average time we Americans are spending on our phones, digital devices and to a lesser extent TV.

That’s more time than we sleep.

More time than most people work per day.

If you don’t think the digital revolution is starting to present us with some real problems, just think about 10.6 hours a day in front of a screen – on average.

I have confessed to my addiction so I claim no high moral ground here, but I’d be lying if I said it doesn’t really concern me.

What to do:

• Cut it now.  Get the average screen time down and replace it with either something introspective (a walk, a run) or interactive (a conversation with no phone able to be accessed during that time).
• Think of your cell or Netflix as a tool not a lifestyle.  Dole it out don’t just consume it.
• For every indulgence in digital screen time that you can’t seem to break, add an equal and opposite one for in person talking.

Millennials hate talking on the phone.  Most won’t even listen to a voice mail all the way through if at all.

Facebook is working on ways to expand the huge amount of time their billion users spend on their app and many of them are older so it’s not just a youth thing.

Even Steve Jobs and his wife limited their children’s screen time and Jobs is the guy who arguably started all this.

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We find ourselves having conversations with people waiting to be interrupted by our digital devices that then actively or passively influence the time we are spending with people.

Our phones in our hands ready to influence a current conversation.

All family members have them – even children who are too young but we’ve given in to peer pressure and convinced ourselves we will be able to monitor their safety better.

What we are not doing is living in the now being 100% present.

We think it’s the amount of time we spend rather than the intensity of being there uninfluenced by outside distractions.

Ways to live 100% in the present:

• Steady eye contact
• Voice contact where we ask the questions and listen to the responses in real time
• Hugging
• Appropriate touching – sometimes a clasp of the hand followed by another hand on top of that says more than a thousand words

Life changes when we put our digital devices in their proper place, which is as an aid to communication not a replacement for it.

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The best advice I ever heard about adversity means so much to me that I memorized it – and I say it routinely at least once a week without even trying.

May I share it with you?

It came from words of my very best friend, a kind, caring and intuitive person who always insisted that …

“Adversity introduces a person to him or herself and those around them”.

How I handle adversity tells me a lot about myself.

I don’t have to be brilliant, just determined to deal with it.

We find out who are real friends are and if we’re smart, we value them in real time for their compassion to our condition or circumstances.

We don’t burden them.  We take solace that they are in our lives at this time.

No one has only good luck.

And no one has only bad luck.

It’s like a roller coaster in which we ride high sometimes and at others we plunge deeply into the abyss.  At the end of the roller coaster ride, we are happy if not invigorated that we survived it.  (Sometimes we even go back on the roller coaster to experience the same feelings again).

Adversity cannot be prevented but it can show us that we are a survivor and we have people who care for us while we’re waiting for good fortune to return.

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When we get hit with disappointment that hurts, a better way to deal with it is to actually ask ourselves the question:  what specifically am I disappointed in?

A spurned relationship could be the ostensible reason for disappointment, but the inability to find the right person may be the real reason.

When someone gets promoted and we think we deserved that promotion, is it being passed over that devastates us or is it jealousy?

Every time we count on something so much that we are devastated when it doesn’t happen or we do not get what we want, is it the actual thing that got away from us or is it that we don’t really know what we want?

There are a lot of band aids for disappointment but one way to cut it down in its tracks is to see it in a different light.

We often react to deep inner feelings rather than intellect.

This breeds fear, worry, panic and unhappiness.

Once the dust settles, I always try to step back and see the meaning for what just disappointed me.

A better relationship is probably on the way.

I will either get that promotion or go where I am appreciated more.

That when I didn’t get what I really wanted in the past, how great that actually worked out in time.

Try turning your disappointment into optimism that something good is about to happen next.

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