Almost nothing hurts like feeling a friend is not the friend you thought.

It happens all the time.  Has happened to me and perhaps to you.

Or someone not there for you when they used to be or you think they should be.

A person who becomes so self-absorbed that your friendship is adversely affected.

Competition.

Jealousy.

I said in my book that jealousy kills relationships.

Here’s how to go on a jealous diet:

• Let go of the fear that you don’t have value.

• Repeat often:  “jealousy hurts me more than it hurts them”.

• Count jealousies like calories – make a list of the people of whom you are jealous.

• Focus on your accomplishments – building self-esteem tends to make us less envious.

• Make amends for jealous behavior.  Even if a friend is unwilling to do so, it changes you in a positive way to work your jealousy calories down to zero.

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Acceptance is one of the stages of grief.

It’s about dealing with adversity and inspiring yourself to be creative about more possibilities.

Dealing with loss takes as much time as it takes as long as we remain able to function in our every day activities.

But there are so many things that we are forced to accept in life and one way is to consider whether it will even matter in years from now.  It’s surprising how much easier it becomes to accept the little things in life when we realize that they won’t really matter several years down the line.

For big losses that are harder to accept, search for some positive meaning.

Out of bad comes good so reminding ourselves of this will slowly but surely bring us to acceptance.

That even big losses open up new opportunities.

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1. Reading or writing while driving
2. Reaching for an object other than a phone
3. Using a touchscreen on a GPS or other vehicle technology
4. Driving while angry, sad, crying or highly emotional
5. Fatigue
6. Interacting with an adult or teen passenger

This from a New Virginia Tech study.

Putting on makeup and following the vehicle in front of you too closely are no longer the impediments that they were previously thought to be.

We’re discovering our digital life is increasingly deadly to relationships, our stress levels and now all of these in-car dangers.

We’re always trying to find ways to live in the now and one great start would be to turn off the phone, eliminate some of the actions and distractions that are proven to be hazardous above and make the car a place to live in the present.

Enjoy the ride, the day and if traffic ruins all those possibilities – at least enjoy the companionship of music or the spoken word.

For sure, we have to become proactive reigning in our digital lives or it will continue to become toxic for our health and happiness.

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The time we spend trying to control our lives is all consuming.

Almost everyone wants to make sure things go exactly their way and as a result we are increasingly making ourselves miserable by trying to be in total control of our lives.

Even knowing that we tend to avoid people who are pushy and domineering, we still do it.

There is new research from Johns Hopkins that concludes learning to ignore things helps people to concentrate on what they really want.

So arguably the hardest thing we can do is best for our health and happiness and it makes us more desirable to be with.

To gain control, give up control.

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What happens when you ask your kids at the dinner table “what happened at school today?”

Nothing, of course.  Ask a thousand times and get a thousand answers the same.

And that’s assuming you are not making these two mistakes:  no family dinnertime together and no cellphones allowed at the table.

What I am about to suggest works with young people and helps retrain their brains to think positively – and here’s the best part – this works at the office as well.

“What happened that was good today?”

This is how you build optimism.  It helps build on success.  Gets us and others away from fixating on problems and focusing on opportunity.

At the end of a meeting you are running, try “Tell me something good you can take away from our time together”.  Do this often and it will get a seamless response.

Even in one-on-one relationships to ask another person, “Tell me something good” that happened when we spent the weekend together and you will be changing negative talk to positive interactions.

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So we have a plus size model as one of the three finalists for this years Sports Illustrated swimsuit issue – Ashley Graham.

And while there has been a lot of positive feedback that finally, skinny didn’t dictate the winner, there are some troubling things we should be aware of.

Former model Cheryl Tiegs has come out to say that being a large model is unhealthy in essence fat shaming (here)

Health is important but skinny people sometimes have high blood pressure that you would expect of bigger body types.

The traditional body-type model Tanya Mityushina, one of the three along with boxer Ronda Rousey, has also complained that she might not win the most admiration because of the unprecedented sentiment for the plus size model.  See it to believe it here.

The best way to understand this is to pretend you are a parent and your child is automatically eliminated from the things some body types find as advantageous.

By the way, skinny shaming is as bad as fat shaming and it also happens.

When we learn to see people and treat them as individuals not as pre-set expectations, we are achieving humanity.

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It’s impossible to do better than our best.

So why is it that our best is often not enough to make us happy?

Think of a sports team that goes out and plays a game with their best skills and they lose.

Could they have won by playing better than their best?

This is where we bring a lot of personal misery upon ourselves.  Our job is to bare down and do the very best we can and then give up control of the outcome.

There are some things we cannot control in life and the outcome is at the top of the list.

I find this inspiring from J.C. Penney, the founder of the department store chain that has had its troubles in recent days.

“I wouldn’t worry if I lose every dollar I have because I don’t see what is to be gained by worrying.  I do the best job I possibly can, and leave the results in the laps of the gods”.

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At times during my career I have felt the need for the affirmation of others to get me to my goals.

But even the most supportive people cannot achieve the success that comes when we rely on ourselves – not others – to affirm our path of action.

When I started a business, I so wanted everyone to tell me it would be a success – and some did. But things didn’t work out until I actually believed that what I was doing would succeed – eventually.

Affirmation works best when it starts with us.

I’m actually at a point where when I share an idea with someone else if they like it, I question whether the idea is actually the best I have to offer. Is it innovative enough? A game changer? Disruptive?

I often tell audiences that when a speaker stands before a crowd, she or he must positively affirm that they’ve earned the right to be there before they have a right to expect a rousing round of appreciative applause at the conclusion.

Get back into the business of affirming yourself.

Start this morning at work or in situations where you are called upon to come up big. Don’t look elsewhere but to yourself.

When you affirm yourself, then the recognition that later rolls in from others will be the realization of others of what you actually believed FIRST.

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Psychologists say that most of our personality and by extension future health and happiness is determined by the time we are 3 years old.

Change after that point requires great desire and hard work.

It also requires something that we actually have the ability to do whenever we want to.

The ability to choose a different course of behavior.

• If we find ourselves in dysfunctional relationships, we have the ability to decide every day that we are going to seek healthier ones – even if it is just for a day or night.

• If we hate our jobs or the people we work with, we can choose to change jobs and stop relying on excuses like – my family needs the money, it’s a bad time to make a change – you can supply your own examples, I’m sure.

• If we are unhappy, we can choose to be happy if not forever for a period of time no matter how short.  It is within our power to do so.

• If we are letting family of origin issues affect our marriages and relationships, we have the ability to put a “stop hold” on that behavior even for a short period of time.

Scientists know that our brains determine everything about us.

In people who live by fear, a simple MRI will indicate that one part of the brain is larger than another.  Not good, but it explains why we are like this.

If we ruminate about things depriving ourselves of happiness, we can decide to choose to ruminate for only a half hour a week and be happy.  Again, an MRI will show the part of the brain that controls rumination to be larger than it should be.

We can retrain the brain.

We can choose to be happy, healthy and fearless.

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People who used to send or receive Christmas cards know that the proliferation of instant digital communication and social media has not helped people say “Happy Holidays” and “Merry Christmas” any better.

The snail mail cards are disappearing each year but they are not being replaced by and large by digital cards or even just emails or texts that say “Merry Christmas”.

The ability to communicate seamlessly does not mean that we are communicating more.

Context is lost in a text message.

Emotion is a guessing game (often an incorrect one) when reading someone’s email message.

Even young people who drive the texting revolution are beginning to rethink whether a little old school communication might not be more rewarding.

I am making a conscious attempt to take the best of email, texting and social media along with phone calls, more face-to-face situations and even letters.

When telling a person you are proud of them, there is nothing better than a written message that can be posted, saved or savored.

The reason young people are beginning to rethink their options of communication is – well, frankly, because they can’t get the attention of even their parents and friends who have also embraced convenient technology.

Text, emails and social media postings have their place.

Being there in the present for another person supersedes even the coolest technology.

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