There are several kinds of forgiveness.

Start with the most difficult – forgiving ourselves.

Only after we forgive ourselves are we ready to go on with life and forgive others and expect that they can forgive us.

Then there is forgiving others as an act of will, a choice that we make.

We need to forgive others for our own sake.

Forgiving does not mean forgetting so saying, “I forgive you but I am still angry and hurt” is understandable.

One of the reasons we don’t complete the process of forgiving is because of our own anger.  As anger is resolved, love can reappear.

Letting go can represent compassion and understanding but never denial of the problem.

Finally, reconciliation is sometimes possible but not always.  In some cases avoiding continued abuse makes it prohibitive.

These views of forgiveness can set us free.

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Of all the ills that face us, stress is the killer.

Everyone (including me) complains about it.

Our hunter-gatherer ancestors worried about large animals attacking their families and the human brain was built for that kind of distress.

In the digital age, not so much.

Here are the components that relieve stress and promote happiness:

• Let go of everything, but your dreams.  Trying to maintain control kills quality of life.

• Switch the focus from you to all of you

• Bullies are everywhere.  They are really weak people who make us feel bad about ourselves.  Stand up and push back.

• Compassion is the way to release animosity that brings us down.

• Don’t be a hater – and this is a warning, almost everyone thinks they are not a hater.  Be sure.

• Suffering is transformational – adversity introduces a person to him or herself and to those around them.

• Reduce fear and worry by remembering that only 1% of what we fear ever comes true and even then it is not the way that made us so anxious.

• Living in the present can only happen when we are also channeling ways to be grateful. 

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It only takes a minute to make someone feel special.

Famed golfer Arnold Palmer’s “Arnie’s Army” knows this all too well.

When he gives an autograph, he takes the time to make it legible.

When he had lunch at the clubhouse a few weeks ago with 35-year old pro golfer Brandt Snedeker, Palmer asked if he would like to play the back nine.

Palmer birdied the 17^th hole and took money off Snedeker who is over 50 years his junior.

Snedeker’s response: “I had the best day. I showed up fully expecting to take up five minutes of his time and he gave me a whole day.”

The secret to making someone feel special is to exceed expectations.

The thing many people don’t know is that when you take the time to make someone else feel special, it makes you feel the same way.

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I once asked a grief counselor how long does it take to grieve.

His answer:  “as long as it takes”.

My response:  “but how long is that?”

And his answer:  “as long as it takes assuming you can conduct your every day activities in life”.

I was thinking about this on the anniversary of my mother’s death recently.

Of course I was everything to her and she to me.  It still doesn’t seem the same with her not around.  In the last 8 years of her life after my father died she lived with me.

And for part of that time I was a single dad so when I met a nice girl I wanted to take back to my house, here was my line:  “want to come back to my place (pause) and meet my mother and the live in nurse?”

What a Romeo, eh?

But oddly enough the girl that said yes, turned out to become my wife and my mother loved her as she loved me.

What I have observed is that by doing the opposite of what we might otherwise do is a great way to keep the memory of loved one’s alive.

I can cook every one of her great Italian meals just as she did and I talk about her as I prepare them.

But the best advice I ever heard about keeping the spirit of a loved one alive is something – believe it or not – I said to my girlfriend in college when she lost an aunt she was very close to.

I didn’t know how to be comforting so without thinking I said, “take one of your aunt’s qualities and make it yours and she will live on through you”.

I should have been that thoughtful in philosophy class but I unwittingly spoke the truth.

The body may be dead but the spirit can be kept alive.

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We sure have an outbreak of haters stalking people publicly in social media and for that matter in politics.  Even for politics, it’s over the top this year.

Recording artists and entertainers have become so good at hating on people that it has become a sick art form almost expected now to go along with the territory of being famous.

But it also happens at schools where our children attend.

Imagine the things you were bullied for when you went to school and then try to imagine how you would feel if you could never get away from that bullying because of social media.

That’s haters in the digital world.

Haters must be called out.

If you don’t hate all Muslims, you must stand up and say so.

If you don’t like the ways the LGBT community is treated, speak up.

By accepting bullying in the public domain we are winking at our children when we say don’t hate on others – sending the wrong message instead of a strong message.

Bullies must be pushed back and they will run.

And bullying takes place at offices – I know of many cases in the broadcasting industry.  That would stop tomorrow if people would call it out.

Remember how the poet laureate of Millennials, Taylor Swift sums it up:

“If you’re horrible to me, I’m going to write a song about it, and you won’t like it. That’s how I operate.”

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As I have said previously the first few years of life pretty much govern a person’s adult years that follow.

In other words, we are often set in our ways as young children.

So why is it that psychologists and psychiatrist’s offices are packed with patients who often have long-term and very expensive relationships in an effort to change?

If the conundrum is we are predisposed to our behavior good or bad as children, how can we change and grow in a meaningful way as adults?

The answer is choice.

People who bring about change make choices – lots of them every day and sometimes on the very same topics.

One friend of mine has been on the wagon for decades – a choice he made every minute of every day.  And I know another person who succumbed to the disease and lost her life relatively young.

Others come from dysfunctional families (they say all families are dysfunctional more or less) where they have to battle with hurtful things from their families of origin every day of their lives.

The power of choice is that we can will change in real time by saying “for the rest of this day I will choose to  …”.   It has a time stamp on it – good for a short period of time that will have to be renewed again and again.

Mother Teresa became a saint in the Catholic Church but what I discovered in researching my book was that she did not always have faith because there were days she couldn’t believe in a God that would allow the awful conditions that affected the Lepers she served.

Mother Teresa made a choice to believe.

For the rest of us, wanting to change is nice but it is not enough.

Making choices in real time day after day – that’s change you can really count on.

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What’s better than love?

Nancy Reagan died recently and regardless of whatever political differences we may have, her relation with Ronald Reagan has been called a love story.

In one tribute I saw, a video tape of President Reagan at the end of his second term with his wife by his side talking about his love for her.  This was in that all too short period before he learned he had Alzheimer’s disease so he remained convincing and eloquent on this topic.

But the most striking thing about this public profession of love was Ronald Reagan’s advice to others that in essence loving a person is not enough.

Telling that person that you love them is even more important.

Some people are uncomfortable with public displays of love that came easy to Ronald Reagan but there are so many other ways to say “I love you” and they all count.

Actions speak as loud as words.

For a crash course in expressing love, just consult the dog or cat closest to you.  When it comes to pets, even folks who can get hung up on the right words can show their love through thoughtful actions.

In a world that is increasingly being characterized by haters on social media, it is comforting to know that we are all really experts at saying “I love you” in ways that make a difference.

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The reason many people leave their jobs voluntarily is to seek a job that pays better.

Of course, they want more opportunity, more appreciation and the chance to advance but what they usually settle for is the added money.

Survey after survey shows that compensation does not rank first among the things that are important to workers. In fact, it doesn’t even rank second or third although it is considered important.

Often the next job isn’t really the one you want. It’s the one after that.

So, how to shorten the process?

1. What is your end game? This is the question that should be answered first. If your goal is to run a marketing department, is the job that you are being offered that job?
2. Are you looking in the right field or is the job you really want in another area less familiar to you? Experience transfers from industry to industry so don’t shortchange yourself.
3. Are you sure your next job is not tantamount to your current job but with more pay and benefits? If it is, your job search will likely renew shortly.
4. Try to resist saying you are looking for a family friendly job because what the family really wants is you to be happy.
5. Less money for a job with more future is better than more money in a job that doesn’t have growth potential.
6. Do your homework to see why the person in the job you are considering left. This is the most important recognition you can do.

Too frequently the best job is not the one you’re now considering but the one after that if only because you’re not yet convinced that major change is what you’re seeking.

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My USC students seemed to always want to know the answer to this question – how long is it prudent to pursue your dreams.   When must you be more practical?

I always answered the question backwards.

Describe for me a person who for one reason or the other stop pursing their dreams and accepted that they were out of reach and I will describe a person who will have an empty feeling in them for the rest of their lives.

My answer:  never stop pursing your dreams.

I make that a personal practice of mine and I’m a teacher not a student.

There are all sorts of ways to be practical (i.e., earn a stable living, etc.) that do not require abandoning the one thing that lights your fire.

Without dreams our lives are so ordinary.

With dreams, they can be extraordinary.

“All our dreams can come true, if we have the courage to pursue them”  – Walt Disney

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The gift that everyone wants from you is the gift of your time.

It costs you nothing – no financial expenditure is required of us and yet people don’t just want your time, they crave it.

For children – Be present in the now.  It’s not the hours together, it’s the time you spend 100% present with them.

For older parents – Be there for them – again, by removing distractions and talking one-on-one.  When we die, the last thing we are going to request is that the TV is on in the room and no direct communication is taking place.

For spouses and partners – Recapture the way you felt the first time you realized that you were in love.  That winning formula never goes out of style we just forget to keep doing it.

For people you work with or for —  Be a sounding board.  Do not judge.  Just your ears alone are worth more than any words that come out of your mouth.

And for friends – Be playful and innovative.  As kids that’s how we made friendships and that formula never grows old.  We can have 1,000 Facebook friends, 100 Instagram followers, a whole host of acquaintances  but in life we only have a handful of true friends – people who deeply care about each other – and these people must be cherished.

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