Here are some of the things psychologists and family counselors say about never becoming a patient of theirs.

• Eat one meal a day together with digital devices off.

• Be 100% present when you are with a loved one – being present is far more important then how long you are in each other’s company.

• Don’t try to change another person no matter how much you may want to – it guarantees that at least one of you will always be very unhappy.

• Show empathy toward the other person – the ability to understand and share feelings.

• Avoid grading each other.

• Work as hard at your relationship as you work at your career and you will be just as successful.

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It always amazes me that in study after study, the overwhelming fear of people like us is not even death or illness or loss of a job or a loved one.

They all rank high but number one and ascending every year is our fear of speaking.

Yes, we fear speaking even more than our own death.

As a radio and television performer I have had people ask me why I don’t get nervous and I stop them dead in their tracks and say, I do.  I have butterflies but I get them to fly in formation.

And that’s the key.

Try to imitate another speaker and the best you can be is second to them.

Insist on being scared instead of being authentic and, yes, you will guarantee a lifelong fear of speaking.

That presentation you need to make has probably caused anxiety and loss of sleep.

So, have the courage to be yourself in front of a group.

If you are comfortable in your own shoes, audiences will be comfortable with you as well.

And a few quick hints for those special speaking fears that run rampant so you can put them in their proper place.

• Number one rule, which should never be violated – speak only on what you know.

• The fear that you will forget what to say is laid to rest by simply reviewing something that you previously said or, as I like to say “where was I?”  If no one answers, I usually joke “was it that impressive?”  They laugh.  I promise, someone will tell you where you left off.
• For those whose faces get red, red is a beautiful color.  Enjoy it.

• If you think you’re not loud enough, some of the most compelling talks I have ever heard have been by speakers with a soft voice.

• If you are afraid to look individual audience members in the eye, remember that when you do, they will make you more comfortable.

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When I feel like I am being ignored or dismissed, it makes me angry.

It has something to do with my childhood – the attention on another family member’s illness when growing up and not getting enough of what I thought I needed.

I can withstand just about anything – name-calling, insults, embarrassment – but being ignored or forgotten is my big weakness.

I share this with my extended family here because knowing what that trigger is can make all the difference in the world.

I see it in others more easily than I see it in myself.

The 15-year old who becomes angry and out of control when she feels helpless.

And for all those years I thought it didn’t matter what my biggest weakness is because it’s mine, and it’s private.

That turns out to be wrong.

If we don’t know that weakness, believe me someone else will discover it and not be so gentle with us.

Maybe a boss.

A friend.

Even or especially a family member.

So what is your biggest weakness – the thing that makes you react instead of respond when it comes over you?

Knowing it means everything and can make life a lot happier and rewarding when we can put it in its proper place.

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I make decisions the way I clean out my closet.

I take everything that I know I want to keep and leave it on a hanger and everything else – even if I think I might need or want it later (like a radio station tee shirt)  – goes into another bedroom for three months just in case I change my mind.

No, I have never taken even one item and returned it to the closet but knowing I had a backup plan makes me more decisive for the task at hand.

We have a phenomenal friend who has an opportunity to take a job in another city.

He’s an only child and feels an obligation toward his parents.  The move might be exciting but he’s not sure it’s the right thing to do.

When we have a decision to make, look for a backup plan.

Try it for a year.  See how it goes.  How do the parents cope and how much do you feel fulfilled.

If there is a plan to fall back on, we tend to move forward with more ease.

And that’s my advice to anyone who has a big decision coming up.

Don’t accept it on faith and hope and don’t reject it on fear.

Get a Plan B and then live life to the fullest.

Even if we eventually find we made a mistake, mistakes can be far more valuable than indecision, which is loaded with fear and regret.

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I have been playing golf with my friend and golf professional Mike LaBauve.

While I am getting expert advice for the golf course, I also discovered how it applies to work and life in general.

Mike wants me to slow my swing down.

That’s asking a lot of a golfer because we know that power equals distance.  Or so we think.

But in my case I want to swing with so much might that the rest of my body fights what it should be doing correctly.  The timing gets thrown off.

Slow down, let the body clear and in time you actually start generating more power correctly.

I found this also applies to life.

I’m a Type A and I can attack just about any task, problem or thing with so much power and might that in a way the rest of my mind and body does not work in unison.

So I tried to slow down my work especially when I felt pressure.

To consciously do things slower and more deliberately.

What I found is that to my surprise I am actually more productive, less stressed and more creative.

In the time it usually takes me to write a story for my media publication, I wrote two.  And this has been the end result of slowing down when I feel the most rushed.

Ironically, when we slow down under pressure we actually give the rest of our mind and body time to be more efficient.

Even if you’re not a golfer, it’s worth a try.

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Expectation leads to disappointment.

We are rarely disappointed with that which we expect.

It’s what we allow our minds to expect that makes us unhappy.

And demotivated.

When we keep our expectations low and our motivation high, the outcome is rarely disappointment.

I’ve been disappointed when I have allowed myself to look forward to something good that I expected to happen.

And I’ve been refreshingly surprised and delighted to see that I attained something that I may have hoped for but never expected.

When I sent audition tapes to TV stations, I never got a single answer.

And I sent them every month – month after month for two years.

Still no answers.

Until there was.

When a TV program director called and said come in for an audition.

I made my mind up not to focus on the monthly feeling of rejection but decided instead to keep churning out new audition tapes without regard to what would happen.

Disappointment is our enemy and we have the power to neutralize it by expecting little and spending 100% of our time on staying motivated.

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We race because we want to have everything.

Even people, who are married 50 or more years and lose their loved one, understandably wish they could still have more time.

Because for all of us, it is never enough.

Folks who feel stuck in a career rut often rush to judgment about making a move before it’s too late.

But it’s never too late and we don’t have to go far to see examples.

Young people have anxiety about attaining their dreams even as the world has not been fair to them.

Needless added anxiety.

The writer Norman Cousins while battling a crippling illness called Ankylosing Spondylitis, believed that the human emotions were the successful key in fighting illness so he asked his friends to join him in his hospital room while he laughed himself to death watching The Marx Brothers old black and white comedies.

Cousins didn’t die.  All that worry for nothing that a few good laughs cured.

He died of a heart attack but not the first one.  On his way to the hospital he told EMTs, don’t worry I’m not going to die.  And so it was.

It is a human condition to fear running out of time.

And important to note that this concern has less to do with age than it does with our thirst for happiness and need for accomplishment.

The remedy is to make it about today not tomorrow.

Tomorrow’s fears rarely come true and waiting for tomorrow’s dreams are useless because once we get there we want something else.

Time is the progress of existence.

Time well spent is obsessed not with bargaining for more, but focusing on now.

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Here is a poem by Mewling Jalaluddin Rumi that is frequently used in mindfulness retreats.

This, along with the book Man’s Search For Meaning about finding meaning in tragedy such as the holocaust should be go-to sources when the going gets tough.

The Guest House

This being human is a guest house.
Every morning a new arrival.

A joy, a depression, a meanness,
some momentary awareness comes
as an unexpected visitor.

Welcome and entertain them all!
Even if they are a crowd of sorrows,
who violently sweep your house
empty of its furniture,
still, treat each guest honorably.
He may be clearing you out
for some new delight.

The dark thought, the shame, the malice.
meet them at the door laughing and invite them in.

Be grateful for whatever comes
because each has been sent
as a guide from beyond.

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In a new book by Jo Marchant entitled Cure, we hear once again about the power of the placebo effect.

In the book she writes about 75-year old former golfer Bonnie Anderson who cracked a bone in her spine and was beset by pain and suffering.

She was to have an experimental operation called vertebroplasty in which cement is injected into the spine.

She left the hospital cured.

Except for one thing.

Bonnie Anderson never had the operation.

The surgery she underwent was “fake” – a placebo.  The surgeons never injected the cement.

Her brain believed that the pain would end and it ended.

Placebo effect is also a major consequence of anti-depression medication trials where 50% of the group is given the drug and the other 50% is given no drug with high rates of relief – almost equal to the medication – for those taking the sugar pills.

This is evidence of the importance of the brain.  How powerful it really is.

And there are every day lessons for us.

If you believe it, it can happen.

If your mind commits to a goal and we pay the price, anything can be accomplished.

Our minds are the ultimate resource for overcoming life’s obstacles and for pursuing happiness.

For all the medications, counseling and education that we get in life, it turns out that the most potent weapon we have is sitting right there on our shoulders.

The brain in our head.

As Henry Ford put it:

“Whether you think you can, or you think you can’t — either way you’re right.”

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My mother was a worrier and I took after her.

She had her reasons.

My father had a heart attack at 37 and I felt like I had to step up and be a “man” while I was still a young boy.

Most children are patterned for life by their experiences at an early age in their families of origin.

Perhaps this is why I sought out Dale Carnegie’s reassuring teachings.

But fear is a useless thing.

It impacted my health for too many years until I decided to take control.

By being aware of the problems that concern us and not to accept denial.

Accepting that life comes with fears but that we can deal with them.

To talk about our fears and try to work through them.

By attempting to live more in the present which is a reliable remedy for putting worry in its place right now.

Having the courage to let go of our fears and worries.

To replace “what ifs” with positive self-talk.

In the end fear is defeated by doing as Susan Jeffer’s suggests.

Feel the fear and do it anyway.

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