Don’t bother.

It cannot be done.

All it can do is make the person who wants to change another about as miserable as they can be.

Do this for a week, you’ll be miserable for a week.

Try to change someone for a lifetime – be miserable for that long.

There is something in the human condition – if we really want to be honest about it – that makes us want to change people to a way that we find more acceptable.

Don’t do it.

They won’t change and you won’t succeed.

A better use of time is to change the one person who can improve, adapt and modify behavior and that is – you.

It’s a proven fact that changing others is a dead end pursuit.

But changing the way you deal with people who bother you for one reason or the other is emancipating.

If someone is so self-centered you cannot stand it, you’re not going to change them.  But if you say, every time that person grates on my nerves, I’m going to remind myself not to be that way.

If someone is always late, you change the time you want to meet earlier if at all possible.  If not, get there before them and pat yourself on the back for being prompt.

If someone is not considerate of your feelings, do you really think you’re going to fix that?  Ah, but giving them less access to your feelings is a much more efficient way of not winding up hurt.

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This does it.

I read in The New York Times recently that large corporations such as Intel, Go-Pro, SeaWorld, PayPal and others no longer conduct annual shareholder meetings.

Tell that to Warren Buffett who makes an actual happening out of his shareholder meetings.

Ostensibly shareholder meetings are to allow anyone who owns even one share of their stock to stand up and hold the company’s officers to accountability.

You guessed it, these companies say it is about saving money not cutting interaction but whether you believe that or not it points to the world we are becoming where virtual is replacing reality.

A confession here:  I love (not just like) my smartphone and every digital device Apple makes including the watch.  But I know it’s not about either or.  It’s about balance.

We’re bent over with increasingly poor posture staring at screens.

We’re not interacting, we’re avoiding and it is not a good example for children and teens let alone encourage friendships or civility.

I’m concerned and I’m going to do something about it.  May I share some initial ideas and solicit yours.

• No phones with food.

• No phones in the presence of others (exception are emergencies but not because you feel more comfortable looking down and not up).

• No texting and driving even if you’re good at it – do something else.  Think. Dream.  Laugh.  Talk.

• For every minute on a digital device, vow to have an equal number of minutes being 100% present in the company of others — not just being there.

Psychologists and scientists tell us that our digital devices are an addiction.

If we use them as tools and try to aim for balance, our lives and relationships can be enhanced.

If not, the tools we love could become weapons.

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Father’s Day is coming up and like other family-centric holidays, they have a happy side and a sad side.

If your loved one is no longer here, it’s always a tough day.

If our relationships with family members are challenged, dysfunctional or non-existent, it can be a painful time.

Only if life blessed you with the ideal person you want to remember can this day realize its full potential.

Or is it?

Here’s how I try to remember those who matter to me that are no longer on this earth:

• By actually doing something they did – cook a favorite recipe, go to a favorite place of theirs and give gratitude for having had such a person in your life.

• By adopting the quality you loved about them the most.  My father was a straight shooter, as honest a man as I ever met – there’s lots to put into action there if I want to keep his spirit alive in me.

• Make those we’ve lost as authentic as they really were – no reason to hold them up to a standard that is unrealistic when just plain real is more than good enough.  For example, my dad when he knew he was going to die had an odd response when I asked him where all is wine was?  He was an old Italian man with a wine cellar.  His response: ”I want to drink all my wine and not leave it here”.  I laugh hilariously now when I think of that.

We don’t have to be perfect.

We don’t have to make others perfect.

Real is good enough and we have a chance to do that on Sunday June 19^th.

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Muhammad Ali was an inspiring and, at times in his life, a polarizing larger than life figure.

He was so much more than a boxer — and I say that with due respect to his awesome skills in that arena.

Here is one of my favorite quotes from a man who knew how to turn a phrase:

“Impossible is just a word thrown around by small men who find it easier to live in the world they’ve been given than to explore the power they have to change it. Impossible is not a fact. It’s an opinion. Impossible is potential. Impossible is temporary. Impossible is nothing.”

The most re-quoted part of this saying are these three words: “Impossible is nothing”.

But the part that I like is “Impossible is not a fact. It’s an opinion. Impossible is potential. Impossible is temporary”.

What if we believed this to our core and managed people with these empowering words in mind?

What if we raised our children to be less self-absorbed and more certain that impossible is just a place on the road to possible when they chase their dreams.

What if …

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My friend is a psychologist who flatly states that relationships are everything.

My students at USC used to be focused on beginning their careers and making money to get started (and pay student loans).   That is understandably.

But sometimes we get stuck in the money making part despite Gallup polls that show the average American is happiest when a couple’s household income is $70,000 (less in Mississippi, a lot more in Hawaii – but $70,000 is the sweet spot).

That means, according to the research, that for those of us who kill ourselves trying to make $30,000 more, we may be more comfortable, but by our own admission (at least in polling) we are no happier.

In fact, the more we make, the less happy we get.

The pure gold is relationships.

And this doesn’t mean we have to break records to add friends (example:  Facebook or Instagram).

It means investing in solid, healthy, caring relationships is why we are on this earth.

For each relationship worth having, what are we willing to put into them?

What is our emotional investment?

How much time are we willing to invest?

There is nothing worse than doing something well that doesn’t need to be done at all which means – being a great earner only goes so far without relationships that make it all worthwhile.

I’m not going to finish my day today consciously trying to make less money, but even writing about the importance of relationships suggests when it comes to happiness, there is a greater return from investing time in relationships than assembling a larger bank account.

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We often think of being a better person by concentrating on how we can improve.

All of us can always benefit from being better but that doesn’t necessarily make us more likeable to others.

I have a challenge for you this morning.

Try this sincerely and honestly and you may have discovered the “gene” you’ve long been looking for.

Ready?

People like those who are interested in them.

Someone who listens to them.

Who puts distractions aside and makes every attempt to be with others in the present.

To become more likeable, leave the self-improvement to you – that’s a life’s journey for everyone.

Focus on someone – anyone – other than yourself.

Some examples …

• Break the ice, start a conversation with someone you don’t know or are familiar with but generally have no time for.  Listen in the present.  Don’t feel obligated to match everything they say to you.

• Take your child for a walk alone – put your phone down on the table and ask them to do the same thing.  Then start walking.  Your mission:  don’t come home until you learn three things from them you didn’t know.

• Ask your spouse or partner to tell you about their day without the need to share yours (even if they ask).

Ironically two ears are the most potent way to become more likeable instantly.

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In my book Out of Bad Comes Good – The Advantages of Disadvantages I condemn jealousy as one of the worst traits we or those around us can have.

In fact, I call for a Jealousy Diet.

• Let go of the fear that you don’t have value.  Put all your energy into building your personal and emotional security.  When others focus their jealousy on you, remember the pain and reach out to them.

• Repeat this often:  “jealousy hurts me more than it hurts them”.  William Penn said “the jealous are troublesome to others, but a torment to themselves”.

• Count jealousy like calories.  Make a list of people of whom you have jealous tendencies.

• Focus on your accomplishments.

Harold Coffin nailed it:  “Envy is the art of counting the other fellow’s blessing instead of your own”.

A quick guide to putting jealousy in its place starting today:

Build your own security to defend against someone else’s jealousy.

And focus on all you are, not what you are not or that someone else may represent to you.

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Why is it that some of life’s biggest letdowns seem to immediately follow its highs?

One of my college professor’s would be gratified to know that I actually learned something from his class on semantics.

Keep your motivations high and expectations low to avoid letdowns.

Just last week I let my expectations get the better of me again so it is probably a human condition to misplace hope for expectations.

Hope is unbridled optimism that often trips us up.

So, to avoid the lows, we also have to avoid the highs.

Feel the joy for sure but don’t let hopes and expectations run away with reality.

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The Facebook COO shared her struggles since the sudden death of her husband at a University of California at Berkeley commencement message:

Write down 3 moments of joy before going to bed each night.

Sandberg says “This simple practice has changed my life. Because no matter what happens each day, I go to bed thinking of something cheerful.”

The author Dr. Amit Sood who works in the area of stress reduction has long suggested thinking of several people you are grateful for before you get out of bed in the morning.

And grief counselors say it helps to focus your attention on others rather than obsess about your own problems when they are beginning to adversely take over your life.

Three moments of joy helps overcome pain and grief.

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John Bradshaw, the prolific self-help author and fixture on PBS passed away recently.

Bradshaw’s powerful personal struggle helped lead the way toward resolution for millions of people – he sold 12 million books.

His work focused on the inner child – the starting point for lifelong unhappiness and dysfunction that comes from emotional and physical abuse in childhood.

Bradshaw, himself a recovering alcoholic said “everything I write about I struggle with myself”.

What Bradshaw preaches is: “to get you to come to peace with the past and finish it”.

Here is how I deal with it:

• Live in the present but don’t just arrive there, be fully present with life and those around you.

• Visit the past for reference the way you might do for a file on your computer.  After you get what you want, return to the present.

• Think about the future only for planning purposes.  Then back to the present not back to the future.

• Be mindful that the unused portion of life – that we still expect is ahead of us – is a blank canvas where we have the ability to create anything we want.

Nothing is more empowering than the constant thought that there are more journeys ahead.

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