Whenever we question how much confidence we really have, we should ask ourselves one question:

If I don’t believe in me, how can I ask someone else to?

Often we have it the other way around.

We expect others to believe in us, support us, trust us before we actually do it first.

If you want to believe in yourself, you can’t outsource it to others.

It starts with us.

Shakespeare said, “Assume a virtue if you have it not”.

I find this quote very empowering and there is hardly a week that I don’t find myself repeating it.  Maybe it will work for you the same way.

You must believe in yourself first and always.

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It is more important to make a life than a living.

That’s why when a survey of people in hospice nearing death were asked what they regretted most, the one thing that wasn’t on their list was more time working.

They regretted not spending more time with friends and family.

In retrospect they wished they did the things they always dreamed of doing.

Is there a person you can contact — a friend, family member or associate – who needs to hear the words “It is more important to make a life than a living”?

I remind my children and myself.

This does not mean, don’t work, don’t succeed, don’t make money.

Just that there is more to life than making money.

Studies repeatedly show that after covering expenses and needs, most people do not get incrementally happier as their income goes up.

Believe it or not, the average income for a couple in the U.S. is about $70,000 a year.  When the survey tracked happiness and income, happiness did not go up appreciably with higher income.  In fact, it went down.

So work hard.

Make money.

But most importantly make a life.

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I live in two places and have a list of contractors and sources that make that possible. My list represents the best people I have met.

This got me to thinking – what would an “Angie’s List” of friends look like.

Who is the best person for advice?

Who is the best listener?

Best with money and financial?

Who is the most fun to be with?

Who is best at always being there for me?

Who is best to help in an emergency?

Things like that.

This could get interesting.

For the things that matter most, do we show enough appreciation for friends like these?

And what if you have friends – even spend lots of time with them – and they don’t fall in any meaningful category that you hold important?

Perhaps you might want to spend more time with the people you value most.

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Sometimes we’re more than anxious to start the day happy until we arrive at work and get enveloped in the negativity that often exists there.

They can also rob you of your productivity and seriously affect your work mojo.

You can be virtually immune to negativity at work as long as you resist being affected by it.

• Downers speak and act in a negative way.  By contrast, you can choose to be positive and enthusiastic.

• Take control of what you will allow to play over and over again in your head.  That is, no one gets to go directly into your head and chip away at your confidence.

• Turn the negative stuff into opportunities to do something positive.  Take a leadership role in showing respect for other points of view and trying to see things as they do.

• For those who are just plain negative people, always be aware that positivity trumps negativity every time.

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My wife and I sat next to a mother and her teenage daughter at what was a “happy birthday” dinner in New York City and the two – both mom and daughter – kept checking their phones all through the meal.

At some points, both were on their phones at the same time.  At other times, mom would sit silently while daughter checked her phone for a minute or more or the other way around.

This is insanity.

It’s not the amount of time we spend with others.  It’s whether we are 100% present in the now for the time we spend.

That means without distractions.

With digital devices stowed.

Ears on, mouth off.

There will be no more guilt about not spending enough time with people we care about.

Treat them with the same attention you would give a cellphone.

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If it’s on the Internet or at a social media site, what you post is being increasingly used against you by potential employers.

The first generation of social media – largely Millennials – is willing to turn a blind eye toward this kind of cyber scrutiny.

Some got a little antsy and alter their public names and private names but one thing is certain, social media now makes it easy for potential employers to spy on job applicants.

From now on, managing social media in a career-friendly way is on us.

Having a private account and a different public account is no longer enough.

Be mindful that everything on the Internet or in social media can be used against you.

This will likely diminish the fun of being social but it will increase the chance of getting a full chance at being hired for the job you really want.

And this does not just apply to Millennials.

Employers are on it and able to spy on – or as they might put it “research” potential employees and new employees because they’re using the Internet smarter than their applicants.

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The gift that everyone craves is not money.

Not an iPhone.

Okay, maybe an iPhone but there is still something greater.

Perhaps you’ve heard about TED Talks.

The success of TED Talks, those 10-minute video presentations that have grown in popularity over the years is due to a special mission:  give your audience a gift.

The possibilities are endless.

When you speak to someone, think of giving them a gift – something they can take away that will make them feel enlightened, good about themselves or hopeful.

When you’re at Thanksgiving dinner, make the gift a public expression of gratitude to the person who prepared the feast.

With children, make the gift of you being in the now 100% focused on the relationship between the two of you.

For yourself, the gift of solitude to think, or a kind word for one of your many strengths.

But when people say that they don’t like speaking before groups or leading presentations at work, think of giving your audience a gift.

It makes some of your butterflies fly in formation.

The gift that keeps on giving is an attitude of offering to others something special from you.

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For all the talk about empowerment, we often miss the most obvious and best way.

Make people feel something.

We are living in a time numbed by our social media and digital devices where we are struggling to have feelings.

If you’re selling something, make the audience or buyer feel something positive after hearing your pitch. If you can’t identify in a few words what that positive feeling is, they sure can’t.

For families struggling to be closer, identify a feeling and focus on it. If that feeling is, say, safety together work every day to make free expression of thoughts and actions something that is safe to be discussed among family.

If teamwork is more of a name than a solution at work, empower others you work with to feel free to create, contribute and respond. Often the best teamwork comes at brainstorming sessions but once it breaks up, the benefits are lost.

We all have the capability to make others feel something and that is the secret to empowerment.

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Ban the word, leave the “t” off “can’t” to get to “can” and remove the self-destructive word “can’t” from your vocabulary as a first step.

All day today, catch yourself when “can’t” slips out.

Would you hire a person who uses the word “can’t”?

Would you choose to pursue a relationship with a person who says “can’t” instead of “can” and “will”?

Would you want your children and those you influence to hear you start with “can’t” before you even try?

Two very useful words that easily replace “can’t” is “I’ll try”.

Make “I’ll try” the new “can’t” and stop shooting yourself in the foot before you can prove just how effective your potential really is.

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Smartphones and social media are making lonely people lonelier.

They are promoting a culture in which people are hooked on their digital devices for fear of missing out on something.

The phone is the new security blanket – college students of mine saying they feel empty without a phone in their hand.

These great tools are turning children into robots even before robots take over the earth – as some predict and making adults numb to living in the now which is where all life takes place.

Phones are tools, not substitutes for things that are missing in life.

Rule 1:  When in the presence of another human being, turn the phone off or don’t take it out until you are alone.  Even when you are alone, return to the real world and remain in it as long as possible interacting, thinking, appreciating.

Rule 2:  The phone and digital devices are not cheap babysitters.  Even Steve Jobs, arguably the one who started this revolution wouldn’t let his kids have unlimited access to their screens – and they were teens!

Rule 3:  When in the company of a smartphone abuser, remain silent until they either give you 100% of their attention in the now or put their phones away.

Rule 4:  The phone and digital devices are tools but they have become an addiction and should be treated the same way any other addiction is treated.  If you are losing moments in life, you may have to quit to recover.

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