Talk about them – not you.

Their interests.

Their input.

It’s not necessary to weigh in with your own reaction to something they are saying as much as it is important to draw them out and let your ears do the work.

Over the ages and continuing today in our connected technological generation, the number one way to get others to like you, is to not talk about “you”.

Talk about them.

And then a miraculous thing almost always happens.

At some point, the other person leans forward and asks about you.

Proving again that you had them at “you”.

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Let’s be honest.

The world is real and although there are a lot of genuinely nice people in it, we also run into backstabbers, the worst and most hurtful kind of person in our lives.

We best a backstabber by …

Building good relationships with those around you.  A backstabber cannot succeed when you have an army of supporters who like and respect you. 

Avoid sentences with “you” which can put backstabbers on the defensive or worse yet the offensive.  Instead start with, “I’m hearing false rumors about me”.

Document the backstabbing.  If trying to talk to the backstabber fails, take it to your supervisor rather than let it threaten your career.

Backstabbing is a form of bullying.  Even if it hurts you, stand up to it.  A bully doesn’t like to be pushed back and they often pick a new victim based on how vulnerable they are. 

Be careful of the person you share weaknesses with because some people can’t wait to use them against you.

“Don’t worry about backstabbers, they’re the people who tried their hardest finding faults in your life instead of fixing the faults in theirs”.

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• People who sap our confidence often don’t have the accomplishments we have so focus on your existing strengths when others make you feel weak.

• Repeat often today “There is only one of me in the world” and be proud of it.

• Steve Jobs was forced out of his own company but later returned to Apple to gain fame and fortune. Starting today, see every so-called “failure” as a step toward success. This is the single most important thing to me in gaining and maintaining self-confidence.

• Anyone can be confident when things go their way but people who can learn from misfortune can be confident in good times and bad.

• Ted Williams was the greatest hitter in baseball, hitting just over .400 one season – a remarkable feat. I think about this often. Not the over .400 part. The 60% percent of the time that the greatest hitter ever failed.

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Think of trust like this.

Studies of 100 ship sinking’s that killed 100 or more people over the last 100 years shows who gets off the sinking ship first.

The crew.

The captain.

The men.

The women.

And believe it or not the children are left to fend for themselves.

When we book a cruise, how often do we ask if there are enough lifeboats to save everyone?  We trust that there are just as we trust that others will help us off a sinking ship.

The human condition is such that we save ourselves first and while there are a few exceptions, it is only a few.

We have no right depending on others for trust if we don’t first trust ourselves.

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At my mom’s nursing home they had a habit of playing XM 40’s channel before it merged with Sirius.

Many of the residents had cognitive problems they were living with so at lunch and dinner they enjoyed the music of their lives until the news came on.

Back then the 40’s channel would recreate news from the 40’s so when they heard the newscaster say “Adolph Hitler has invaded Russia” they got upset.

The past was not a pleasant memory in this case.

Remembering family events to the best of their ability was a case of the past enhancing the present.

The past and the future are not the “now” where we need to live focused 100% present.

Looking to the future helps us plan.

Looking to the past helps us learn.

Being in the now is the only place we can be happy.

Use the past and future like you would a file.  Open it when needed but be sure to close it and return to what you’re doing in the present.

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One thing an on-air radio and TV personality soon learns if they plan to have a long career in broadcasting is to sound happy.

Imagine if they went on the air after being served a divorce lawsuit and let the audience hear their angst and concern.

The author Harold Kushner always said that happiness is like a butterfly.  The more you chase it, the more it eludes you.  Let it land and enjoy it.

Being happy is about being proactive.

There are two things that help.

1. Assume the virtue of happiness (smile, engage others) even when you have to reach for it.

2. Increase your gratitude.

The little known secret about happiness is that the human brain cannot be unhappy when we are in the act of being grateful for that which we have no matter how small or insignificant. 

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There are two ways to handle hurtful people.

One, try to hurt them as much as they’ve hurt you.

Two, feel sorry for them.

Why turn yourself into the very thing you hate about hurtful people and why not pity them instead?

Think thoughts such as these:

It must be awful to have to ramble on in such a hateful way.

Hurting others makes it harder for them to love and accept you.

If you said what you just said to me into a mirror, you wouldn’t like the way you look.

What happen in your life to make you this mean?

Just the few seconds it takes to show some kind of compassion to people who don’t deserve it, allows you to separate their venom from your heart and mind.

Having compassion for people who hurt us is the first step toward letting it go and enjoying your life.

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As soon as we utter the word “can’t” it’s game over.

No one ever overcomes “can’t”.

Think about it.

“Can” is a better word.

But the best word is “will”.

Will is a statement of intention.

I can’t do the presentation the boss wants goes to I can do it or best yet I WILL do it.

I WILL get that raise or I’ll find a job where I am appreciated.

I WILL be the best parent I can even though my spouse and I are now separated.

I WILL find the person who I have been looking for in life as soon as I find that person in myself. 

“Will” is the weapon to defeat “can’t” which is why we often say “she willed her way to success”.

Today, count the number of times you can replace “can’t with “will” and feel the difference.

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The system is rigged against job seekers.

They are often forced to bid against themselves for work because companies are unwilling to pay fair compensation.

In an answer to wage discrimination against women in Massachusetts, a new law will make it forbidden for applicants to be asked their previous salaries.  This should help in the battle against bidding down hiring salaries.

But how do you know what salary to ask for?

When sports stars go to arbitration, arbitrators generally compare the salaries of other players on other teams with similar skills and production.

This works for the rest of us as well.

Isolate three people who essentially do what you do on the same level of production if you are privy to that information.

Your salary sweet spot is likely to be right in the middle.

It’s not an exact science but one thing is for sure, you will stop undervaluing your salary level when you compare it to others like you.

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There are two kinds of problems.

The first is thing problems which involve salaries, locations, tangible things and circumstances.

The storm blew the roof off our house and now we have to foot the expense of fixing it.

The second is people problems in which feelings and relationships are exposed or hurt.

My wife has breast cancer and is going to have surgery, chemo and radiation treatment. 

If it is possible to be thankful for problems, be thankful for thing problems.

When dealing with people problems things are trickier because there is not necessarily a tangible solution and they drain our emotions.

Knowing the difference between thing problems and people problems helps us deal more effectively with the ups and downs in life.

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