Most of us react instead of respond to other people, their ideas and thoughts.

Reacting is knee-jerk, top of mind living that gets us into trouble.

All that is necessary to respond and offer truer feelings is 30 seconds.

30 of the most difficult seconds we could ever suffer through.

Resisting the temptation to jump in and answer when we need the other 29 seconds to think about what we just heard first.

Holding back emotions until we have spent at least 30 seconds getting in touch with those emotions and how to frame them.

My wife and I play a game based around the 30-second rule.

When I jump in and react, I can be reminded that I still had 29.5 seconds left to think about what I was feeling.

When one of us comes up with an idea and we have 20 seconds left, we warn “the first idea could be the worst idea”, a reminder that living in a fast paced world is not necessarily beneficial.

The good news is that it is entirely possible to change the way we positively relate to people and to get to know ourselves better.

Take the full 30 seconds and see if it doesn’t make a difference for you.

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This is the year when cybershopping has really taken off.

You can see more, buy more – often for less – without leaving your screen.

In theory, we have more tools to come up with the perfect gift for those we care about.

The perfect gift is not necessarily something tangible.

It is the gift of your time which, at holiday time, seems like very little left to offer to someone else.

The price is right.

The results beat anything money can buy.

1. A day without screens with your children. In one day, see the magic that occurs when phones, computers and gaming is turned off.  The ultimate gift of rediscovery.

2. No movies for kids in the car. You can’t be serious?  Yes, no child will ever remember the movie she or he watched on the trip to grandma’s for holiday 2016 but they will remember the number of license plates the family saw out the window during their time together.  The gift of parenting with a purpose.

3. Let someone else have YOUR way.  When the choice could be yours, give it up to someone else.  Give someone else the gift of choice and feel what real empowerment is.

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To gain control, you do the opposite – give up control.

When rushing and making mistakes, slow down, do less and get fewer things right.

To feel less stressed, offer more of your time to those around you.

Getting the mind off of you is a secret weapon for dealing with grief, depression and disappointment.

Making other people your 100% focus lifts that which ails us including the stress of everyday living.

Ironically, when we spend more time helping others, we feel less stressed.

No pill, no form of therapy and no spa day even comes close.

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To stop being addicted to people who are not good for us, stop romanticizing them.

A friend who broke up with a longtime companion is distraught but there were problems all along that led to the eventual split.  To forget the problems and romanticize what is missed is a sure ticket to lots of enduring misery.

I once heard a motivational speaker say to break from an addiction to someone, see them as ugly not beautiful.

Their behavior – how it is ugly.

Their temperament – why it was problematic.

Their commitment to you – how was it lacking.

Another powerful way to overcome a relationship we get stuck on – and it happens to everyone – is to say the following.

There is someone waiting to meet me, appreciate me and have a life together.

Positive predictive self-talk like that precedes the arrival of such a person in your life.

It happened to me when my wife walked in because after reminding myself such a person was coming into my life; I was actually expecting her.

Become addicted to self-respect and positive dreams of that which you deserve.

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1.  Also emphasize the gain. The years you spent with your loved one before they passed. Things you have learned from them. Magic moments. The good times with a friend before you broke up.
2. Keep great memories alive. Pictures, routines, special moments. I remember my mother every time I touch garlic – after all, an Italian mom cooks everything with garlic and this branch didn’t fall far from the tree.
3. Find a quality in the person you lost and make it live on through you. If she was the type who never complained, adopt her good quality and try to make it live through your daily actions. That’s a powerful way for the departed to live on.
4. Recognize that there are powerful losses other than death. Divorce is one. Being separated from your children. Another broken relationship that you had high hopes for. The career that hit a bump in the road – after all, many of us identify ourselves by the work we do instead of the things we stand for.

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Things usually get ugly when we react rather than respond.

Reacting, which happens quickly and without much thought, usually leads to hurt feelings and things being said that we will regret later.

Responding is what people do when they want to think first and speak second.

Reacting:

“How dare you say I am selfish, YOU’RE the one who is selfish”. 

It doesn’t really matter at this point if there is any truth to the claim because the damage is done and we’re off to the races.

But responding is the better move.

“I’ve never seen myself as selfish”. 

Not accusing the other of the same thing of which they are accusing you.

The difference between responding and reacting is about 30 seconds.

Let comments – even and especially inflammatory remarks – slosh around in your brain for a half a minute.  You may be surprised to see how superior your brain works when given a few precious seconds.

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Nice people can be complainers, but nothing is more of a turnoff than to be in the company of someone who can find unhappiness in everything.

Many don’t even know they are doing it.

A friend recently told me how unhappy she was at work and when I suggested looking for another job, more complaints followed.

Complainers like to complain.

Life is too important to have it buzz-killed by complainers.

Let them vent for a while but when you realize you can’t get them to stop the negative talk, interrupt with a positive question.

Are you on LinkedIn?  That’s a good start and a positive move toward a better job.

But if the conversation drifts back to the negative – and it will – move on.  Stop the conversation.  Walk away.  Hang up.  End it.

Just as we have MRI evidence that our brain reacts a certain way when we’re happy, the brain can be trained to be negative and you are neither doing yourself or your friend a favor by continuing that negative behavior.

Complaints are good, they allow us to vent.

Fixation on what’s wrong changes our brain and makes it very difficult to have healthy relationships.

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Saying “if I offended you, I am sorry” is not an adequate apology.

Saying “I’m sorry” right away as soon as you’ve offended or hurt someone and repeating it emphatically is.

Actually SAY the thing you are sorry for.

It was insensitive of me to write that on social media.  I regret it and apologize. I hope you can forgive me.

I should never have referred to your weight.  You are a beautiful person as is.  Please forgive me for forgetting that. 

These are authentic apologies because they actually say what you’re sorry for and emphasize that you are indeed sorry.

I should have consulted you before making that decision.  I was wrong.  I will try to be aware of it in the future.  I can do better.

That kind of apology actually elicits love and respect in return.

Because if you haven’t apologized a couple of times today, you aren’t human.

Humans make mistakes and apologizing is not shameful, it’s prideful.

Apologizing in a sincere and authentic way says I will be better and that’s something to always be proud of.

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1.  The next time you walk into a room where there are seats, go to the front and take yours. Simply acting like you have confidence to be down in front, makes you more confident.  Often, the least confident people arrogate in the back.

2. When you get an opportunity to volunteer, be the first to say “I will”.  Words mean a lot to others and even more to our inner self.

3. Let someone else have their way.  The act of deferring to another person shows inner strength and we are rewarded not only with a boost of self-confidence but by gratitude from others.

4. Go one full day without saying the word “can’t”. When we stop running ourselves down, we automatically start building ourselves up.

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John Glenn was the first American to circle the earth in orbit in the early 1960’s when America was losing the space race to the Russians.

Much later at 77 years old, Glenn was the oldest man to ever enter space aboard the space shuttle. In between, he served almost two decades as a senator from Ohio and died recently at the age of 95 – a full life indeed.

Two things.

America needs goals and we as individuals need dreams. Too often we fantasize about our futures without realizing that we have one life and one chance to do all we can to live those dreams.

And, the lesser known story of John Glenn’s wife, Annie, who had a serious stuttering problem for almost 50 years until she came upon a program that purported to help stutterers overcome their disability.

It is said when Annie Glenn called her husband after completing the protocol, he was moved to tears. Annie Glenn then spent the rest of her life helping others deal with stuttering.

Whether our goals are in outer space or deep within ourselves, John and Annie Glenn show us that pursuing your dreams is not just rocket science.

It is the life we deserve.

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