How did Don Rickles get away with insulting people often in a brutal way and yet his targets and audiences loved him?

Between politics and the false empowerment from social media the world is full of vicious insults but these insults are despised by everyone.

Maybe it’s because Rickles also made fun of himself (“Fat Jew”) and his wife (“Likes to lie in bed, signaling ships with her jewelry”). Even his own mother didn’t avoid Rickles’ vitriol (he called her “the Jewish Patton”).

That’s it.

Rickles also made fun of himself and his own family. Off the stage he was known by actors and entertainers as a nice guy.

Politics was also a contact sport, but during the last election cycle on both sides of the spectrum insults cut deep, honesty was at a premium and according to polls, both candidates running for president had the lowest favorability ratings of any two candidates ever.

Insults characterize the way we live now.

But malice toward others is not funny unless it is used in jest and with a heavy dose of self-deprecation.

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The world’s second best golfer on the pro tour this year, Jason Day, walked off the golf course at a tournament in Austin, TX and conceded the match.

He said his mother was diagnosed with lung cancer at the beginning of this year and it’s terminal.

His father died of cancer when he was 12 and Day said he’s going to be with his mother for her surgery to hopefully extend her life.

Because his father died when he was young, it was Day’s mother who motivated his golf game.

Many people make sacrifices for their loved ones who are ill or dying but it is less common to see a public figure who has so much money on the line to put it all aside to do the right thing.

As often is the case, when a child makes a choice like this, they got good upbringing.

We will never miss one more golf tournament or a special occasion as much as we will miss a little more time with someone we love.

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It boils down to whether we want to be happy or not.

A choice.

And we rarely see it as a choice because, face it, we don’t think our happiness is totally under our control.

But it is.

As I told my college students in LA, this town is filled with successful people who are keeping psychologists and psychiatrists in business.

We lose our job or our partner or our health so we can’t be happy, right?

But if you can still choose “I want to be happy” you may find that out of bad comes good.

This is not Pollyanna.  Some people have serious psychological problems that are beyond what I am saying here and no offense is meant.

But, for many of us – happiness is a choice and an important one that has to be made with certainty.

When we decide to play a sport to win, we don’t vow to win sheepishly.

Same with happiness.

Command it, expect it and enjoy whatever life brings you because life is a constant surprise.

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You check your phone upon awakening to find emails or texts that threaten to sabotage your day even before your feet hit the floor.

Or feeling the karma of another person who is unhappy with their job, themselves or their lives.

Then turn on the news while exercising at the health club and many days it seems like it’s hard to get out the door in the good mood you woke up in.

The key to turning around a ruined day is the way we talk to ourselves.

That conversation that takes place in your head while you’re driving or thinking.

The world is so connected that what happens with others affects us almost immediately so it is important to not lose the narration going on in your mind.

I can’t wait to get to work to solve some problems and help others solve theirs 

I’m grateful for lots of things and people (name them) 

The world needs one more person to lift it up not drag it down – that’s me

I’m looking forward to (name it) 

More and more, unhappy or stressed out people can affect our happiness in real time.

Keep your narrative.

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Duke basketball coach Mike Krzyzewski has led his team to over 1,000 wins and five NCAA championships.

He’s 70 years young and has no plans for retirement:

“I don’t want to plan it.  If you do, and the time comes and you’re not ready that’s bad.  So is waiting for the time you planned when you should already be out.  I’m involved in teaching, speaking and things I can go to.  But I’m not prepared to leave right now” – Harvard Business Review March-April 2017

Aspire, don’t retire.

No matter what your age – and especially for those many years from retirement – Coach K’s plan to have things to go to is especially good advice for people who find themselves unemployed or between jobs.

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Spend the same amount of time alone with your spouse as you do with your smartphone.

I laughed when I first heard this but I’m not laughing now.

Just go to dinner and watch two people not communicate with each other in the now.

Same is true for families as some parent is on the phone while the rest of the family eats or chats.

Imagine devoting the same amount of time we spent with our smartphones with the people we love the most.

Not just time together.

Time focused on the now – the same way we do it when we’re staring at our screens.

For most couples, the ups and downs they experience can be smoothed over by reminding each other why they got together in the first place and like it or not, it takes face time.

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You can get a new job.

Or wait out the people who are bringing negativity to the job you currently have and like.

You can limit your contact with negative people (unless you can’t).

Remember it is not permanent, but temporary.

Emphasize how you want to be.

The sure road to unhappiness is to try and change someone else.

Change your attitude toward negative people and keep your professionalism high.

Do not stand for abuse.  Report it.

Few work environments are perfect but it’s the way we think of ourselves that matters most.

Let no person demean or dismiss your abilities.

The best way to overcome a toxic workplace is to see yourself clothed in Teflon and watching the negative stuff roll off of you.

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Keep your expectations low and motivation high and you will never be disappointed.

Expect the boss to give you a good word and you’re asking for disappointment, but that doesn’t mean work hard to excel with or without the recognition.

Stop thinking that special person for you is the next one you’re going to meet and make you that special person.

Throw the best party and have six people not even show up (or tell you they’re not coming) and no matter how many others have a great time, you are likely to be disappointed.

We can only be disappointed when we allow ourselves to expect more than we have a right to deserve.

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If you fear living life, you run the risk of losing life.

That doesn’t mean you’ll necessarily die.

It means that when we fear living, we run the risk of losing the fun, warmth and accomplishments that come our way.

This doesn’t mean you have to jump out of an airplane (but, it could).

It means do the things that make you feel alive.

I was never one for bucket lists just to have one.  I have little interest in checking things off the list of life.

But do you want to start a business?

Meet new friends?

Become healthier?

Remarrying or starting a new relationship after a failed one?

Let go of something that is making you unhappy?

It is just as easy to program yourself to reach out and grab life’s next challenge as it is to let it pass you by out of concern for safety.

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A powerful article in The New York Times recently quoted David Greenfield of the University of Connecticut School of Medicine as saying “People are carrying around a portable dopamine pump”.

Smartphones are hurting adult relationships, look at how they are hurting our children.

Common Sense Media survey:

American teens 13-18 averaged six and a half hours of screen time a day on social media and other activities such as video games.

2015 Pew study:

24% of teens between 13-17 reported being online almost all the time.

Drug use is going down as addiction to digital devices soars.

Parents are not doing their children any good by readily accepting and allowing this kind of phone use into their young lives.  And they are not doing themselves or their families any good by being on their phones constantly.

Smartphones are drugs.

Use them with care.

Shoot for as much face time with real humans as you allow yourself or your children screen time.  No exceptions.

The phone is a tool.  Turn it off.  Use it as a tool and do not adopt constant connection as a way of life if you don’t want to miss out on life.

You can’t live in the now unless you turn off your smartphone.

Constant connection is not the same as being 100% focused in the now.

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