Brenda Barnes, the former CEO of Sara Lee died a few weeks ago at the age of 63.

She became famous by quitting her job at PepsiCo in 1997 because she wanted to spend more time with her three children – and yes, the company tried hard to keep her.

She served on some boards of powerful companies while taking the time to devote to her children.

Then in 2004 she returned to the corporate world full-time at Sarah Lee and rose to CEO a year later.

But in 2010, Brenda Barnes had a stroke that ended her career.

Like mom, her daughter Erin quit her job at Campbell Soup to help her mother.

At Sarah Lee Barnes introduced a program called “Returnships”, temporary jobs for people out of work to fill the gap on their resumes.  The Wall Street Journal quoted Brenda Barnes as saying “They didn’t lose their brains” even though a lot of companies would never hire them.

Brenda Barnes died as a result of a second stroke.

Before she died she said that women couldn’t have it all, they had to pick and choose.

Somehow, it feels like Brenda Barnes had it all.

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Can you remember four years ago?

Where were you?  Who was in your life?  Where were you working?  How were you feeling?  What were your goals and expectations?

Could you have foreseen four years ago where you are today?

Who is in your life – who is new and who has passed away or moved on?

Are you working at the same job in the same place?  If not could you have seen back then where your career would be today?

Your children and family – are they just four years older or in truth have things happened to their world that no one saw coming?

Were you healthy four years ago and experienced health problems today or vice versa?

I returned to New Jersey and bought a house 7 lots away from the one I sold in 2002, survived a familial aneurysm that I had four years ago but didn’t know about until last June.

I lost two of the best friends I ever had.  And expanded my business and taken on new projects I didn’t anticipate four years ago.

Somehow, we are able to look at others and see the futility in getting ahead of our lives – like, “I would never have seen Donald Trump being president four years ago”.  Or, “Hillary Clinton not being president” as everyone predicted.

See the future one day at a time.

That way you have the latest and best intelligence upon which to make decisions.

There is no need to predict the future.

What’s better is to live in the present 100% focused and to constantly review what the joy and bitterness life hands you and the hopes and dreams you have in real time.

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The magic of TED Talks is that they are designed to give the viewer a gift.

Some meaningful gem that will make their ten-minute videos worth the time spent watching.

We are capable of giving those around us a gift every time we are with them.

A sincere compliment with evidence to make it meaningful to take with them – “you are so good at running meetings because you go out of your way to get everyone’s participation”.

A word of encouragement to keep them motivated — “your hard work will be rewarded”.

Some kind of recognition that they are likely not getting elsewhere — “you are putting in long hours on that project”.

In giving we also receive.

It feels good and makes us feel powerful in a positive way.

The person who can give gifts of praise to others also reaps the benefit of knowing how much they can make a difference in a world of distraction where the good in others is often ignored.

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Deny them a voice.

Disconnect from them on social media.

Don’t let them intimate you or change your mind out of fear of rejection.

Be on the lookout that you are not becoming more tolerant of haters.

Change yourself, not the world.  Others will adapt.

Differing is good.

Your Instagram life is fine.

Control the only thing you can control – you will not be a hater.

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1. Cash in an IOU— I’ve done it before (or something like it) so I can do it again.
2. Focus on the benefit not the risk– It’s human nature to automatically assume the worst is going to happen so assume the best outcome – I will succeed – and what that would mean to you.  This is the most important secret of garnering instant courage.
3. Courage is a promise to yourself– Not a superhuman personality trait.  People become more courageous when they say they are going to muster up whatever they need to succeed.
4. The most important words are “I Will” – Not I can’t.  I shouldn’t.  I couldn’t.  I’m not sure.  No.  Just these two words give most people all the courage they will ever need.

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When we give up control, we gain control.

Nothing can dispute this and yet giving up control is the hardest thing for a human to do.

When we stop wanting something else, we’re on the road to being able to enjoy what we have.

Relationships are demolished because of control freaks.  Workplaces become intolerable because there is often little room for independent freedom.

Here’s how to take the first step:

1. Identify something that you are wrestling with and decide if you have the courage to do an experiment.

2. Consciously try NOT to have any control of any aspect of what you have identified.  In other words, succeeding is not getting your way.

3. Step back and be an observer of what is happening as you resist the temptation to give your power of persuasion away.

To be sure, letting go does not mean not caring or advocating about that which we feel passionate.  But it does allow us to see the magic of removing ourselves as an obstacle to an outcome we would never have imagined – an outcome we may very well like.  One thing is for sure, letting go in this context never killed anyone.

Almost ready but not quite?

Decide that when you are with your spouse next weekend that they will decide what to do, where to eat, something new to try – just be curious to see what they come up with.

In the end, letting go not only becomes a great tool in living well with others, it makes you feel good about yourself.

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There are studies that show most people spend half the day thinking about something other than what they are presently doing.

And there is the iPhone mind-wandering study that concludes that people are not as happy when they are not thinking about what they are doing.

The wandering mind is not going to ever make us happy.

Focusing on the present is almost a magic pill because it starts working immediately.

When our mind wanders, we allow negative thoughts to get in – obsessing and ruminating.

To measure how often your mind wanders you can download an app at trackyourhappiness.org.

A few times a day you’ll receive a notice to answer some questions about your experience at that moment.  Over time, you come away with an accurate picture of your life and what prevents you from being happy.

Or, the short course:  focus on the present, discourage mind-wandering and feel happier.

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Studies show that the mere thought of a stressful situation or event is as severe as the actual event itself.

We fear stressful situations even if they never happen to us.

1. Obsessing is a warning sign of stress.  The problem may never happen but obsessing about it is getting too far ahead of solving it.

2. People – especially people close to us or with whom we come in contact daily can easily transfer their anxieties to us.  Stand back if you can and look from afar on who is infecting us with their stress.

3. Focusing on the present is the ultimate stress buster so when you get that anxious feeling be 100% present in the now and it will aid in warding off anticipated stress.

Take control of stress by putting it in its proper place.

Looking ahead is forethought.

Anxiety about the future is fear thought.

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The road to hell is paved with good intentions.

Friendships that mean something are not casual hit-and-run relationships.

When we vow to stay in touch, do we?

Is it purely social or is this friendship also emotional?

Are you a part of each other’s lives or an accident of scheduling?

The Chopra Center offers this advice:

1. Practice active listening to truly hear your friends.  Take turns being active listeners.  Being an active listener means that we don’t play “can you top this”.

2. Call your friends to stay connected. Texting and social media is a sanitized way to connect with people you care about.  If a person isn’t worth a call, then perhaps they are not worth having as a friend.

3. Go out of your way to make your friends feel special.  My best friend always – and I mean, always– jotted me a note after we got together even at Denny’s.

Without friends our life is relegated to Outlook, iCal, texting, social media and whatever time we can grab because life can easily get in the way but true friendships are the gifts of life.

Start spreading the love in your own authentic way.

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Can you recommend that your best friend come to work at your company?

If no, what is it about your employer that gives you pause?

Do you know how much you are worth on the market with your skills?

If not, do some research to find out what others with your approximate skills are earning.

If it’s less than you are presently making, ask yourself are you staying put because of the benefits?

If yes, it may be a bad reason considering your personal happiness.

Google has arguably among the best and most over the top benefits for employees and people still leave because benefits are not a good enough reason to postpone being fulfilled.

Have you been given new challenges in the past year?

If not, that will get old real fast.

Are you not looking around because you don’t have the time or because you are afraid?

If you’re afraid, welcome to the club.  We’re all in it.

One of the most compelling thoughts I ran across in the past year was the total uselessness of a company that talks a person into staying after they’ve been given another job offer.

Most of them who opt to pass on that job offer stay for no longer than a year and leave anyway no matter what concessions were offered by their employer.

The same is true with staying in a place that you’ve outgrown.

If you stay for whatever reasons, you’ll eventually go if questions like these are not answered in the affirmative.

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