Here’s what I do when I receive an email from someone who either assumes I have no feelings or no brains.

I write a simple response. 

“Is this something that you would have said to me in person?”

About half the time I get no response, but rest assured – message delivered.

And believe it when I say about half the time I get an apology, often a lengthier apology than the original insulting email.

Sometimes I make a new friend – and I’m not kidding.

Hiding behind a computer or smartphone doesn’t always bring the best out of us so when you ask a person if they would have said the insulting thing to you in person many realize that they went too far.

Instant communication does not mean instant gratification.

Before you hit “send” assume you may someday have to read that email on the witness stand in a courtroom.

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Gutsy for jumping from the stadium roof onto the field (even if it was recorded in advance).

Electric for the over-the-top Super Bowl halftime show she did.

Talented for her great voice.

These are the things that came to mind when Lady Gaga performed at halftime during Super Bowl 51.

But trolls online had a field day with what they described in all sorts of gross ways as body fat.

In particular, belly fat.

They didn’t like it so they shamed her from the safety and relative anonymity of their mobile devices and social media networks.

Gaga’s response was “I’m proud of my body and you should be proud of yours, too”.

Body shaming is a coward’s game, but it happens all the time.  Not just to girls like Lady Gaga but to children faced with inconsiderate people who are made more powerful through social media.

The best defense against all types of shaming is being proud of yourself the way you are.
There is only one of you, celebrate it.

We don’t live our lives by outsourcing our self-esteem to others.

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Defeated at halftime, winners in the end.

The New England Patriots surprised the Atlanta Falcons by not really using the usual motivational techniques.

Dour head coach Bill Belichick is far from Pete Carroll in that department but somehow even Atlanta became increasingly shocked to see their certain Super Bowl victory slip away as each minute ticked down.

Both teams were the best that football had to offer.  After all, they made it to the ultimate test, the big game.

You’re never out until let yourself believe you are.

Don’t even think about giving up.

And while pep talks have their value, channeling confidence from deep down inside is far preferable.

This applies to the rest of us as well.

The worst news isn’t necessarily the worst until you give up.  Just ask a cancer survivor.

Pep talks are mind candy, but believing in yourself is power food.

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The antidote for feeling threatened is to think of a threat as a challenge.

Not, this is the worst thing that could ever happen.

Instead, this is the biggest problem I have faced in a long time.

One way feeds the stress.

The other is a positive response.

We often anticipate threats to us that are not actually there and are never going to happen.

In fact, most of the things people worry about never occur and when they do, they are rarely exactly the way they were feared.

When you feel fear, feel the challenge to overcome it.

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Picture this.

Before cellphones were developed, how likely would it have been to carry around an old Bell Telephone everywhere you went so you could plug it in for more access.

No one would do that but today because they are light and convenient, we are tethered to our digital devices.

Choose not to use your cellphone if you are in the company of others, taking in life as it happens in real time or able to postpone looking at it.

One of my college students said without her phone, she felt empty.

The phone is a tool, not a way of living.

Cellphones are not ruining lives, people are.

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On the days when – for whatever reason – you’re not feeling happiness …

1. Channel the happiest person in your life and think about how you enjoy being around them.  A friend who never judges and makes you feel good.  Who always has a word of encouragement for others.  Or a special someone who just by being in their presence makes you feel happy.

2. Think about someone you know who is fighting an illness, a problem or a brave relationship or work battle and then remind yourself that as of this day, you are not.

3. Name three people you are grateful for and yes, it can be the same three people every day or someone you just met.  The neighbor who helped you push your car out of the garage so you could jump it.

4. Focus on three things you couldn’t bear to be without and remind yourself of your good fortune – you don’t have to live without them.

5. Embrace the momentary unhappiness so you can compare it later with your good fortune.

Don’t always wait for happiness.

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“Your brain is like Velcro for negative experiences but Teflon for positive”.

The author Rick Hanson said this and it rings true.

Bad experiences tend to stick around somehow hanging onto us.

Good one’s flow through us too quickly.

Humans have a negativity bias probably from our hunter/gatherer days where the species was constantly on the lookout for danger.  This bred fear into us where we learn to imagine things will be worse than we expect and discount our ability to deal with them.

By spending even a few minutes a day reviewing the good in our lives, we tend to become more positive.

Negativity is a learned response that we can overcome by reprogramming the brain when good things happen and passing the related good thoughts through our mind – even for a minute – over and over again.

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Why is apologizing so difficult?

None of us are perfect.

Saying sorry is not a repudiation of us as humans. It is a reaffirmation of our humanity when we’ve said something to hurt another.

1. Never say “but” because whatever words follow may appear insincere. It is better to not apologize than to add the word “but”.

2. Avoid “if I offended you, I’m sorry” because it reeks of insincerity. If we offended, we apologize. If we didn’t, we say nothing. If we don’t know for sure, find out.

3. Don’t ask for forgiveness — Forgiveness is up to others to grant. Asking for forgiveness appears to be a quid pro quo. The offended party may need time to see that the offense is not repeated before feeling comfortable enough to forgive.

4. An apology is a gift to ourselves — The burden of offending another is lifted when we admit our humanity and be the person we want to be.

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A number of years ago, The New York Times reported about a group of sociologists who decided to meet at the Grand Canyon to separate from their cellphones and see what happened when they did.

As I remember the account, some participants were against detoxing from the phone and others were for it.

It took 3 days to detox.

Three days before they started talking to each other like people again.  That is, even without a signal, it still took 3 days to get used to being social again.

Some liked it and some did not.

When we decide to rejoin life and our families and put our cellphones in their proper place, it takes time cold turkey to give up this addiction, which of course, it is.

Cellphone addiction is becoming more of an issue in our society today and peer pressure is making perfectly good parents rationalize why it is important for their young children to be connected.

It’s the reverse.

Do not allow a child to have a cellphone until he or she is socially mature – mid-teens — and then peer pressure be damned.  Your kids will be the lucky ones in the end.

In the end, no one will ever regret spending less time with their smartphone and the social media contained within but they will regret all the lost moments that would have been spent with people they care about.

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Power off.

There is no other way.

In France they have a law that forbids businesses from emailing work after hours meaning now with all their great French cuisine, you can actually enjoy it.

Power off.

You don’t need to be connected to your children 24 hours a day (and vice versa).  Fact.

There is research that shows if you simply have a cellphone in the room with you, your emotional health will be compromised.

New rules.

When are you available and when are you not?

Social media is fun but it isn’t that social.  It is a tool not a lifestyle.

Where possible don’t tolerate others imposing their out of control texting and surfing on you.  Stop speaking when they divert attention to their devices until it returns to what you were saying.

When you’re off, power off and enjoy the people and world around you in real time 100% focused.

Go to a place like Vermont as I did last year and try to find a cell signal.  After the panic, I learned (at least for the week) how to use my phone at certain times when a signal was available and rest when it wasn’t.

Phones and mobile devices have taken over our lives.  Time to deal with it.

Power off.

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