It boils down to whether we want to be happy or not.

A choice.

And we rarely see it as a choice because, face it, we don’t think our happiness is totally under our control.

But it is.

As I told my college students in LA, this town is filled with successful people who are keeping psychologists and psychiatrists in business.

We lose our job or our partner or our health so we can’t be happy, right?

But if you can still choose “I want to be happy” you may find that out of bad comes good.

This is not Pollyanna.  Some people have serious psychological problems that are beyond what I am saying here and no offense is meant.

But, for many of us – happiness is a choice and an important one that has to be made with certainty.

When we decide to play a sport to win, we don’t vow to win sheepishly.

Same with happiness.

Command it, expect it and enjoy whatever life brings you because life is a constant surprise.

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You check your phone upon awakening to find emails or texts that threaten to sabotage your day even before your feet hit the floor.

Or feeling the karma of another person who is unhappy with their job, themselves or their lives.

Then turn on the news while exercising at the health club and many days it seems like it’s hard to get out the door in the good mood you woke up in.

The key to turning around a ruined day is the way we talk to ourselves.

That conversation that takes place in your head while you’re driving or thinking.

The world is so connected that what happens with others affects us almost immediately so it is important to not lose the narration going on in your mind.

I can’t wait to get to work to solve some problems and help others solve theirs 

I’m grateful for lots of things and people (name them) 

The world needs one more person to lift it up not drag it down – that’s me

I’m looking forward to (name it) 

More and more, unhappy or stressed out people can affect our happiness in real time.

Keep your narrative.

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Duke basketball coach Mike Krzyzewski has led his team to over 1,000 wins and five NCAA championships.

He’s 70 years young and has no plans for retirement:

“I don’t want to plan it.  If you do, and the time comes and you’re not ready that’s bad.  So is waiting for the time you planned when you should already be out.  I’m involved in teaching, speaking and things I can go to.  But I’m not prepared to leave right now” – Harvard Business Review March-April 2017

Aspire, don’t retire.

No matter what your age – and especially for those many years from retirement – Coach K’s plan to have things to go to is especially good advice for people who find themselves unemployed or between jobs.

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Spend the same amount of time alone with your spouse as you do with your smartphone.

I laughed when I first heard this but I’m not laughing now.

Just go to dinner and watch two people not communicate with each other in the now.

Same is true for families as some parent is on the phone while the rest of the family eats or chats.

Imagine devoting the same amount of time we spent with our smartphones with the people we love the most.

Not just time together.

Time focused on the now – the same way we do it when we’re staring at our screens.

For most couples, the ups and downs they experience can be smoothed over by reminding each other why they got together in the first place and like it or not, it takes face time.

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You can get a new job.

Or wait out the people who are bringing negativity to the job you currently have and like.

You can limit your contact with negative people (unless you can’t).

Remember it is not permanent, but temporary.

Emphasize how you want to be.

The sure road to unhappiness is to try and change someone else.

Change your attitude toward negative people and keep your professionalism high.

Do not stand for abuse.  Report it.

Few work environments are perfect but it’s the way we think of ourselves that matters most.

Let no person demean or dismiss your abilities.

The best way to overcome a toxic workplace is to see yourself clothed in Teflon and watching the negative stuff roll off of you.

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Keep your expectations low and motivation high and you will never be disappointed.

Expect the boss to give you a good word and you’re asking for disappointment, but that doesn’t mean work hard to excel with or without the recognition.

Stop thinking that special person for you is the next one you’re going to meet and make you that special person.

Throw the best party and have six people not even show up (or tell you they’re not coming) and no matter how many others have a great time, you are likely to be disappointed.

We can only be disappointed when we allow ourselves to expect more than we have a right to deserve.

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If you fear living life, you run the risk of losing life.

That doesn’t mean you’ll necessarily die.

It means that when we fear living, we run the risk of losing the fun, warmth and accomplishments that come our way.

This doesn’t mean you have to jump out of an airplane (but, it could).

It means do the things that make you feel alive.

I was never one for bucket lists just to have one.  I have little interest in checking things off the list of life.

But do you want to start a business?

Meet new friends?

Become healthier?

Remarrying or starting a new relationship after a failed one?

Let go of something that is making you unhappy?

It is just as easy to program yourself to reach out and grab life’s next challenge as it is to let it pass you by out of concern for safety.

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A powerful article in The New York Times recently quoted David Greenfield of the University of Connecticut School of Medicine as saying “People are carrying around a portable dopamine pump”.

Smartphones are hurting adult relationships, look at how they are hurting our children.

Common Sense Media survey:

American teens 13-18 averaged six and a half hours of screen time a day on social media and other activities such as video games.

2015 Pew study:

24% of teens between 13-17 reported being online almost all the time.

Drug use is going down as addiction to digital devices soars.

Parents are not doing their children any good by readily accepting and allowing this kind of phone use into their young lives.  And they are not doing themselves or their families any good by being on their phones constantly.

Smartphones are drugs.

Use them with care.

Shoot for as much face time with real humans as you allow yourself or your children screen time.  No exceptions.

The phone is a tool.  Turn it off.  Use it as a tool and do not adopt constant connection as a way of life if you don’t want to miss out on life.

You can’t live in the now unless you turn off your smartphone.

Constant connection is not the same as being 100% focused in the now.

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If health drinks help, consume them.

If exercise invigorates you then by all means do it.

The biggest energy sapper is fear and worry.

I have a friend who had her newly remodeled condo damaged from water leaking from the neighbor’s condo above.

Insurance issues and legal threats burdened everyone including this person for perhaps the worst Christmas she has had in a long time.

Yet, she is healthy.

Gainfully employed.

Enjoying lots of friends.

How can this happen?

We worry about the 1% that will never happen and even if it does, it won’t happen the way we imagined it would.

Worry about worry.

Doomsday narratives take over our lives.

In the case of my friend, all was restored by spring. Insurance paid for it and the community association added new rules of protection for the future. The condo that started the damage even got a new kitchen out of it.

This is not an aberration.

It’s what happens when we let worry and fear sap our energy.

As long as there is hope always assume everything will work out just fine.

It usually does.

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Employers set the rules even if they don’t call them rules.

Social media defines how we relate to some of our best friends whether we care to admit to it or not.

Even when we know our life is headed the wrong way, we feel powerless to change it.

Regaining your narrative means that you take part in your life’s decisions.

If you don’t like being on call all the time, find a job where you’re not (France forbids email after work requirements for employees.  Don’t tempt me).

If you’re having a hard time telling your friends from your business contacts, maybe it’s time to stop emailing them in lieu of face time or phone time.

If you feel you are not living up to your potential, your employer or your friends and family will not be the ones to change that narrative.  Only you can and should do that.

If you run into me on one of New Jersey’s beaches this summer, you will see me walking endlessly up and down the beach and into the ocean.

I am having a private conversation with myself.  I do it every year.

I’m asking, do you want to keep doing what you’re doing?

Is there something else that is important to you?

Am I being called to another adventure and I’m so busy I don’t know it yet?

What results is a contract with myself to do the things I want to do and not mindlessly repeat another year without that which I crave.

Regain the narrative by first taking control of your narrative.

From there, all things are finally possible.

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