Don’t talk.

Avoid “me to” comparisons after others speak.

From time to time repeat back what you are hearing and you will amaze the person speaking because that rarely if ever happens. 

Ask questions and listen for the answers.

You win more friends by listening to others and not talking.

And amazingly, many (not all) of those lucky enough to have caught your ear, will eventually come back and return the favor to ask about you in a similar way.

Anyone can become a better listener if that is a strong enough goal and here is why it should be.

Listening is nine-tenths of communication.

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Bill Belichick, the New England Patriot’s head coach, won 5 Super Bowls and has appeared in seven.

He was a D list player who had more talent analyzing the game thanks to studying his football coach father than native talent to play the game.

Scott Bowman won a record 9 Stanley Cups in the NHL as a coach and an additional 5 as a member of a club’s front office. 

Nobody talks about Bowman’s playing career because it was uneventful especially compared to his talent as a coach. 

Wayne Gretzky is known as “The Great One”, arguably the best hockey player ever but did you know he was a hockey coach for the Phoenix Coyotes?  A lousy one if you go by his record and relatively short tenure. 

Being great does not mean only being great at what you’ve learned to do on this earth. 

We overlook the things that make us special because even we do not recognize that our talent does not stop with the obvious.

I’ve known broadcasters who have become outstanding professors.

Entertainers who have become savvy business entrepreneurs.

People who barely make enough to live with very happy families without the “benefit” of being born into money. 

What’s great in us is not necessarily obvious.

It’s a gift we have that comes from a hidden passion for something that may even be unrelated.

The thing we love to do the most may not be our best talent but may be our best inspiration. 

Too much time is spent looking for happiness and success where it appears to be obvious.

Look within for greatness where you’ve spent a lifetime chasing your passion.

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Why is that so hard?

Well, some people were raised that way.

They didn’t get credit for what they did well either.

Others are jealous and it feels weak to tell others how good they are or how well they did without also making it about them.

And some think if they give you kudos (especially in front of others), it belittles them.

If you think of the person in this world you like the most, she or he probably passes out credit to others even at the expense of themselves.  It’s one of the reasons you are drawn to them.

We have no shortage of ability to recognize others.

People crave those who recognize their accomplishments and efforts.

Crediting others is a prime form of giving without spending a dime and it makes us feel good about ourselves.

Think of the latent ability you have right now to recognize others without having to make it about you, and you have the equivalent of a masters degree in human relations.

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There is appropriate anger and inappropriate anger.

Expressing outrage in a non-aggressive way is therapeutic and also informative to the other person.

Often, it’s inappropriate anger such as mirroring the same behavior and hurt to others that we are feeling that gets us nowhere.

Anger can be a great motivator.

When someone gets the promotion you deserve, defang your anger so that it motivates not hobbles you. 

When someone you love chooses another, hurt and anger can be rechanneled to practice loving yourself more completely until the person meant for you comes along.

If someone bullies you, don’t become a bully copycat.  Use that awful feeling to become a stronger person with more self-love.

Being the target of anger does not mean taking abuse of any kind.

Set clear boundaries and enforce them every time.

But the things that make us angry can also be great gifts if we see them in a different light and use our anger to overcome the hurt.

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Show gratitude, yes.

Be thankful, of course.

But be an appreciator and you will inspire others in a meaningful way.

Thank you for doing such a good job (and then provide specific evidence).

Be present when others are doing something special (don’t be quick to leave).

Shout out on social media to tell their world and yours.

If employers and bosses were appreciators, it would cost them $0 to highly motivate their team.

If you’re on a team, an appreciator helps smooth over lapses by employers who take people for granted.

Don’t forget home where spouses, partners, loved ones and children come to life when you become one of the few people in it that actively appreciates them as an individual.

These are 3 ways above to begin right now.

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We love dessert, but we can’t eat it all day long.

Our phones are our lifeblood, but they also kill relationships, cause distractions and negatively affect our lives.

1. Turn off mail and social media at a time you are comfortable with every day (the French don’t do business email after work, it’s the law in France).
2. Strictly limit social media – it is the black hole of our digital lives. Twitter, Facebook, Instagram and other social networks are hard to pull out of once you start scrolling.
3. Spend as much time face-to-face with friends as you do with email, texting or social media otherwise your friendships will be compromised.
4. Put your phone away. Parents often use their children as an excuse to put their phones on the dinner table. The phone is a tool and not a lifestyle. (Before iPhones only ten years ago, parents would leave contact numbers with sitters and did not check in with them during the evening.  That system still works).
5. Spend at least one hour a day away from your phone. Yes, you will survive.

Augmented reality and virtual reality are on the way with a new generation of phones coming soon to further divert us from the here and now.

Because the phone is like a dopamine pump in which we have so many ways to check it, swipe it or touch it to get a jolt, it’s time to take serious steps toward keeping these great devices for the advances they bring and not the relationships that they are increasingly killing.

It’s in our hands.

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In sports, when a team and a player disagree on what the salary should be, they often submit their problem to a third-party arbitrator.

Arbitrators take a non-prejudicial look at how the athlete in question compares to others with similar performance markers – statistics.

Often teams avoid binding arbitration in which they must accept the arbitrator’s salary recommendation by doing the same thing – comparing performance markers.

So why don’t we as individuals compare our strengths to others?

Why do we tend to believe the criticism of other people who perhaps may be jealous and accept their conclusion as to what we are worth?

This applies to seeking a salary for a new job or asking for a raise.

But it also applies to non-monetary things.  For example:

• How dependable are you compared to others you know?
• How hard do you work toward your goals?
• How well do you get along with others?
• How trustworthy are you?
• What kind of a listener are you?

It’s one thing to adopt a pep-talk mentality to boost a sense of worth, but nothing succeeds like comparing real traits with those of others to establish a meaningful feeling of self-confidence.

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Is this you?

Seemingly caring more about things and people than perhaps those around you.

People who care about others have a special gift but also a vulnerability.

Some people cannot return the feeling and others may see it as weakness.

The best policy is always try to be the person you want to be.

Start each day with a blank canvas and use your gifts and talents to create the best, different day you can come up with.

As far as people who care too much, we must also be people who care a lot about ourselves.

Do we have healthy boundaries?

Do we tolerate abuse from others?

Caring too much is a wonderful attribute if it also applies to how you feel about yourself.

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What comes first – happiness or success?

Psychologists’ offices are filled with successful people who are not happy.

Happiness is a goal unto itself.

Once happiness is accomplished, success follows.

It rarely if ever works the other way around.

Being happy requires the type of commitment that most “successful” people seem willing to make to their careers.  The sacrifice.  The hours.  The frustrations.  And postponed gratification.

What makes you happy?

How much of your day is devoted to things that don’t contribute to your happiness?

Once you have a better idea of the types of things – major or simple – that bring you happiness, then you are likely to also be on the road to success in other areas of your life.

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If dreams alone counted, everyone would be a success.

But dreams and schemes that do not have a plan do not have a chance.

Study effective people and you find that they have an innate ability to take their desires and put together a plan of action.

Talk to them and find out that often that plan changes – sometimes in the middle of being enacted but they always start with a plan.

What gets done first?

What does it look like?

What steps must follow?

Who will help?

What resources are needed?

Big dreamers who get to realize their dreams are also big planners.

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