Nothing hurts more or more deeply than self-doubt.

When the simple belief that we can do it is attacked by all the reasons we can’t.

It’s one thing for other people to doubt.

It’s fatal to happiness when we doubt ourselves.

Nothing worth doing is worth doubting.

Assume a virtue if you have it not as Shakespeare said.

Don’t look elsewhere for the belief in yourself.

If you don’t have it, they won’t have it for you.

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Money.

Relationships.

Work.

Not enough time.

These are four of the biggest anxiety producers.

Stress is cumulative.  It gets worse as we obsess over it.

An effective way to stop stress in its tracks once it starts occurring is to repeat this mantra often:

99% of the time what we worry about never happens.

The worry always causes more anxiety than what is feared.

Manage stress by putting it in its place.

Perception is scarier than reality.

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When they go low, you go high.

But what about when they keep going low?

Another approach is when they go low you ignore them.

It’s like wearing a shirt that has a big button on it that says PUSH.

There are times when an honest response is the right thing to do.

And when the insults keep coming, keep cutting off the oxygen of the verbal abuser.

They will soon look for someone else’s buttons to push.

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It took 5 years.

Many surgeries.

Rehabilitation.

Dealing with personal issues.

Living with self-doubt.

But on Sunday, September 23^rd, Tiger Woods won his first PGA victory.

Here’s the thing.

Losing is an ugly gift that reminds us how badly we want to win.

The tougher it is, the more it hurts, the more that it requires us to double down and not give up, losing in a rehearsal for winning that cannot be denied.

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Criticism is never constructive.

And harsh criticism is abusive behavior.

Even in sports, the coach who gets away with harsh criticism as a motivator is often out of work a year or two later.   Hurtful feelings are a lousy motivator.

Don’t listen – walk away, end the conversation.

There is a difference from improving and being devastated.  Improving is your decision no one else’s.

Being defensive means the abuser won.

Another reason not to listen.  The first time you defend yourself, you won’t change anything but you will feel worse.

No one gets direct access to your psyche.

Not even for compliments.  Our brains are sensitive areas that control the way we feel about ourselves.  Letting anyone have direct access to our inner most and fragile state of mind is flirting with danger.

If it is an employer who harshly criticizes, double down on looking for new work. 

The best way to avenge such negative and hurtful behavior is to do something positive to finding a less toxic workplace.

Never criticize yourself.

Nothing is harsher or more damaging than an insult uttered by you to yourself.

We are responsible for how we think about ourselves – never outsource it to anyone else especially those close to you.

Concentrate on the good, not the bad.

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Facebook has a low bar – anyone can friend anyone else.

There are lots of great acquaintances but few true friends.

A friend is your best listener. 

If they talk about themselves, they will never be a true friend.

Friends never take, they always give.

They don’t sell you something, invite you to parties in place of asking what they can do for you not what you can do for them.

True friends don’t have to be similar to you, but they must share similar values. 

Opposites attract except for values.

A friend never judges. 

That would be hurtful.

A friend never gives advice.

True friends know what we started out with above – a friend is your best listener.

A true friend is never jealous.

If you have a few true friends, they should be getting the majority of your time and effort in staying connected.

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Why do we talk ourselves down?  Or allow others to do it?

We feed ourselves to remain healthy and we must also feed our psyches to develop and maintain a healthy positive attitude.

Here’s a sample power talk:

I care about others. 

I am fair and open-minded.

I can say I’m sorry quickly and emphatically.

I can name accomplishments I have achieved without hesitation. 

I admit mistakes, work on them but don’t fixate on the negative.

I can name 10 things I like about myself. 

I can name 5 people who I am grateful for and why.

I will never give up.

I listen not just talk.

I will no longer criticize myself as criticism is not constructive in any way.

By repeating a customized power talk every day – updating it and augmenting it – we remind ourselves of the difference between a pep talk and power talk.

A pep talk can be fleeting and superficial.

A power talk is a reminder of the fine person that we are.

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Dreams without plans are delusions.

Dreams come true when there is a path to making them happen.

Want to change careers?   

Make new friends? 

Change your lifestyle?

Improve your health?

Pursue your passion? 

Step 1 – Know yourself.  What specifically do you seek? 

Step 2 – Design a road map to get to your specific goal. 

Step 3 – Who can be of help – seek their advice not their consent.

Step 4 – Know when to give up and when to persist.

Here’s how to know.

If you can take one defeat after the other and still work through your discouragement, you are eventually going to realize your dream.

If you are discouraged, tired, no longer sure – you have still accomplished something important.

To know what you want is as important as knowing what you don’t want.

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The harder people try to feel stronger and more empowered – the less it seems to work.

Talk is just talk.

And taking action can sometimes be viewed as bullying or aggressive behavior.

Here’s the secret to becoming more powerful.

Be the person who gives away their power.

People are attracted to strong people who make others stronger as well.

Let someone else make the decision you were going to make.

Encourage others to recommend to you the best course of action (instead of being the one to dictate or strongly influence it).

Give the gift of your time (nothing is more appreciated than a person who is willing to listen). 

Find ways to give away your power – if you are the boss, supervise as if you were still the person that works for you.

Forgive.

Encourage.

And give credit that might belong to you to other deserving people.

I know a person who gave away most every award he received by accepting it and giving it to the person who helped him win that award.

Powerful people live a life of giving away their power not fighting for it.

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Talk in terms of the other person’s interests.

Not about you.

What’s in it for them?

Companies fail to win cooperation because they talk about only what they want not shared goals and motivations.

Some radio industry CEOs set records for using words like “I” and “me” even while referring to employees as “team” members during motivational “town hall” meetings.

Unhelpful words to eliminate from your vocabulary when your interest is gaining cooperation …

Team (when referring to the corporate kind) 

I 

Me

The most helpful word …

You 

When others see what’s in it for them, they are more likely to help you get what you want.

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