That’s a question one of my stress course in the music industry students asked aloud last week.

Most evidence shows we are heavily influenced in the early years of life by our families.

If change is desired, the will to do it must exceed the need.

Golfers who hit a slice can eliminate it through hard work but when it returns as it often does, the will to eliminate the unhelpful swing must exceed the need.

Yes, we can change.

No, it is not permanent unless that change is important enough to us to outwork the thing we want to improve.

That ability makes us more powerful than we often realize.

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It took Muppet Elmo to pose the question and everyone’s been talking about it since – Larry David has even used the opportunity to polish his brand.

In a world where there’s a lot of talking, this suggests more listening.

Even posing the question “how are you doing?” is healing.

Not just “how are you doing” but leaning forward and listening to the response.

No grading, no talking.

Turns out saying nothing after asking the question is speaking volumes.

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Booker T. Washington said “if you want to lift yourself up, lift up someone else”.

Today, there will be many chances to focus on this.

Focusing on others reduces anxiety and is a gift returned to you on every occasion.

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In her acceptance speech for winning an Oscar for Best Original Song in 2018 she said:

“There’s a discipline for passion, and it’s not about how many times you get rejected or you fall down, or you’re beaten up. It’s about how many times you stand up, and are brave, and you keep going.”

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You can’t expect to outsource self-confidence by looking for it elsewhere.

It starts from within.

Most of us spend a lifetime learning how to doubt ourselves and when we look to others for the confidence we don’t have, it doesn’t work.

Believe in you.

Never look to others for that which you don’t have.

Erase a lifetime of doubt by retraining your brain to believe in you.

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People like to talk about themselves.

As Bette Midler said in the movie Beaches “Let’s talk about you. What do you think of me?”

Not that folks can’t ask “how was your weekend” and then proceed to hijack the conversion.

This works to your advantage.

Let people talk about themselves.

Encourage it.

Keep asking questions.

Nothing is more addictive than actually encouraging others to go on and on about themselves.

For your personal needs, find a friend who can do the same thing for you.

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It’s one thing to have someone else reject you and another for you to let them.

Your life is not an election.

Others – some of whom may harbor jealousies or other evil thoughts – succeed when we allow ourselves to feel rejected by actions or words – at work, in relationships, everywhere.

Get to know the trigger words – the ones that evoke the shame of rejection to be ready to advocate for yourself.

Don’t allow rejection by others to define who you are or how you feel – you are better than that.

Don’t give others the power to shame.

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The iconic NFL football coach who the Super Bowl Trophy is named after – Vince Lombardi liked to point out what players did right, not wrong.

There is no such thing as constructive criticism – no one likes criticism, Lombardi had a better way.

Most coaches showed players the things they had done wrong in game films – and even today most still do.

Vince Lombardi only showed them what they had done RIGHT.

He knew that they would focus on replicating the right moves rather than trying to avoid the wrong ones.

The more we emphasize what’s wrong, the harder it is to get to what’s right. 

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Sometimes people misread shy folks as easy to dominate.

What’s needed is a set of guardrails.

As long as your core beliefs and values are not attacked or compromised, nice is a good thing.

But when someone crosses the line, it’s time to defend.

Shut down the conversation, walk away from the person, stand up for you.

Even if it’s family.

If we don’t defend our boundaries, we stand for nothing.

Shy and quiet is a personality trait, not an invitation to abuse the privilege of friendship.

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Late Night television star Stephen Colbert lost his father, a doctor and two brothers in a plane crash when he was 10 years old while they were flying to a prep school in New England.

Colbert offers that this profound sadness may actually be his explanation for becoming a comedian.

It was Colbert’s mother who he credits for helping him not become bitter.

“She taught me to be grateful for my life regardless of what that entailed, and that’s directly related to the image of Christ on the cross and the example of sacrifice that he gave us.  What she taught me is that the deliverance God offers you from pain is not no pain – it’s that the pain is actually a gift.  What’s the option?  God doesn’t really give you another choice”.

There is value in suffering and sometimes it takes a great comedian to point it out.  Out of bad comes good.

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