You can’t really win an argument.

You can bully someone into saying they agree with you or inflame them even further by forcing them to defend themselves just because they don’t agree with you.

Or, assuming you can’t avoid an argument as Dale Carnegie always recommends as the first important step, then enjoy it.

Ask the other person to layout their case. 

Don’t disagree or ask them to agree with you.

In fact, don’t tell them your position until they ask.

An argument is usually about power.

There is a winner and a loser.

But if you decide that there will be no winners and losers, just learners, then you can shake hands and see the other person’s point of view without having to abandon yours.

If you are in a relationship where the other person has to win every argument, you may need to remove yourself from it.

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We lose it when we lose control.

Even the meek among us prefers to be in charge of their own destiny.

One guaranteed way to never be in charge of your destiny is to waste time trying.

Give away your power and see if you die – it’s more likely that you will live happily on every occasion. 

Help others become empowered – not through words but actions.  Take a seat and say, “you run this meeting” and then do everything you can to help them succeed. 

Stairs are for running down, people are for building up – every breath you invest in making another person more powerful, makes you more powerful.

Fight to keep control and you’ll live a lifetime of unhappiness.

Give it away by enabling others and your become more powerful than you could ever imagine.

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Don’t listen to criticism. 

Don’t read reviews. 

No one ever benefits from criticism — not even the person giving it.

When you are the target of unwanted criticism, you become less effective, less confident, more stressed.

Ignore criticism if you can.

When forced to acknowledge it (say, at work), admit to hearing it but don’t dignify criticism of you any further by entering into a conversation.

Criticism makes us feel needy – resist it with whatever it takes. 

Doing better and learning from so-called “constructive” criticism are two opposite things.

Even if criticism brings about change out of fear, it will not be long lasting.

The place for criticism is out of your mind.

The place for self-improvement is to use your mind on your own.               

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Ask “Tell me about yourself”.  Then listen, don’t talk.

Ask any question and you will win over even the most reluctant person. 

Not just strangers – this works at work by asking an associate to “tell me about the ideas you have about this project”.

Everyone’s favorite topic is themselves and yet how often do we make it about us?

The secret to being not just a good conversationalist but a great one is to be genuinely curious and anxious to hear what others have to say without having to weigh in with your view.

Something as simple as talking in terms of another person’s interests can make you a happier and more effective person.

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The number one best-selling book series of all time is Harry Potter.

Yet 12% of more than 21,000 Harry Potter reviews are only 1-star – in other words the worst book I’ve ever read.

How could that many people be so wrong for author J.K. Rowling who made the most money in history as an author, an estimated $1 billion.

These unhappy readers may have hated the series, but so many more people loved it.

The next time someone hates on you – nibbles away at your confidence or your ability to succeed – remember Harry Potter. 

Others are entitled to their opinions but they should have absolutely no effect on your passion to succeed.

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People hover over you.

Give advice from their perspective.

Overreliance on others when the answer is to trust yourself.

Trust your instincts.

Self-help is an entire category of other people giving you their advice.

Real self-help is to rely on your own judgment.

You will fail sometime and succeed others – even Ted Williams, the best hitter in baseball, failed 60% of the time.  It’s okay.

Learn from others, then you decide how to proceed.

Spend more time on your confidence, less on taking advice of others.

Learn patience to prevent panicking into quick fixes. 

Being the best is not about being someone else’s best. 

Depend on yourself not someone else. 

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Name 5 faults you’d like to get rid of.

Now, name 5 wonderful qualities you have.

If you’re like most people, the faults will come easy and the list may actually be greater than 5.

Finding 5 wonderful qualities is harder to do.

Make it the other way around.

Be on the lookout for opportunities to congratulate yourself (“nice job handling an angry customer”, “I was a good listener to my mother this morning”).

Repeat:  positive self-congratulations is not egotistical, it’s self-care.

Never listen to unsolicited criticism.

If you don’t like yourself more often, how can you expect others to appreciate you? 

Looking for faults is self-destructive, looking for positives is an immediate confidence booster.

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A crisis either gets fixed or we learn how to live with it.

No matter how bad it is, the problem will get resolved.

The real problem is the stress, anxiety, upheaval, self-doubt, hurt feelings and outright fear that consume us in the meantime even though we know the two possible outcomes.

Don’t panic – toughen up.

Ask yourself what is the worst that can happen because it rarely does. 

Take a pad; write your fears in one column and the facts in the other.  Facts trump emotions in solving problems.   

Avoid people who make you feel more stressed, insecure, less confident or hurt.

Seek out people who see life with positivity to make you stronger and less anxious. 

No one gets to avoid major problems.

But the problem is not likely to get you, the lack of self-care while dealing with it will.

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There are two good ways to cope with the loss of a loved one.

The first is don’t rush grief.  Well-meaning people will say “be strong” and try to divert your hurt but grieving takes as long as it takes to grieve.  The pain lessens but the loss is always felt.

The second is make the person you lost live on through you.  Take their best quality, the one you love the most about them, and adopt it – make it your life’s goal so it lives on through you.  Remember them as if they are still here because in many ways they are.  Laugh with them and love with them again.

It doesn’t make sense to overcome grief if that means to let what you liked about them so much die.

When you chose specific ways for that person to live on through you, it helps with the pain and brings happiness back.

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At work, how many times have you known in your heart and mind that your bosses or associate’s idea is all wrong and won’t work?

Fight it and you get what?

Pushback.

Get more emotional, they dig in deeper.

To win a disagreement – at the very least to get yourself heard – resist rejecting their idea before you present your alternative.

Being against something never works.

Be for something as an alternative and do it skillfully.

Here’s how ..

1. Don’t initially respond to what you don’t agree with, clearly state another idea as an add-on (“hitchhiking on your idea, what if we did this” and insert a view of your own).
2. Ask questions, avoid making statements.It’s the human condition to want to buy and not be sold and that applies to ideas, suggestions, projects, problem solving, etc.
3. Avoid criticizing the other person’s ideas – they will blindly defend them anyway and you will be seen as the problem.
4. Some people are incapable of listening to the input of others and often these are superiors who somehow see their job as doing all the thinking.In that case, compliment every time they give you a chance to contribute (“it’s good of you to throw this open for differing views”).
5. Find something to like about the prevailing person’s idea(s) even if you hate most of it or you can be sure they won’t even listen to yours.

Unfortunately, brainstorming and problem solving are confused for power.

If the person running a meeting can’t be open to the ideas of others, then you can impress by being open to something they said.

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