A study of 1,095 people average age 33 in Denmark showed that Facebook was ruining their lives.

After a week 88% of those not on Facebook said they were happy, compared to the 81% still on Facebook.

But only 12% of the people who didn’t use Facebook described themselves as “dissatisfied” vs. 20% for Facebook users.

The Facebook users were also 55% more likely to feel stressed.

The people who didn’t use Facebook claimed after the week was over that they actually had a better social life and had less trouble concentrating.

It’s probably not just Facebook but any social media that requires time and attention away from personal interaction.

• Use Facebook, Twitter and social media as you would sugar – to sweeten the day but not as a steady diet.
• Take social media vacations – almost everyone who is either forced to or voluntarily sets aside their digital devices temporarily comes away with two feelings:  one, that it felt good to do and two, that they couldn’t wait to get back with their social media (after all, it’s addictive).
• Life is to be lived in the present with real people, interactions and the nuances that go with direct contact.  Social media is just a tool in our digital lives.

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Let your eyes light up the moment you see them.

Smother them with sincere enthusiasm.

Focus on them, not you or your digital devices.

Be present without distraction.

Greet loved ones as if you have been away on a business trip for two weeks and are just that moment returning to see them after being away so long.

Stop what you’re doing to listen – nothing shows love and respect more than taking the time to listen without judging.

It’s not how much time you spend together.

It’s about the time you are present together.

Each minute you are present in the company of a loved one is worth 60 minutes just occupying the same space.

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Authenticity has always been valued but perhaps never more so than now.

There’s pressure to be that which you are not.

To compromise values.

Or neglect that special something that makes you YOU.

You don’t have to quit the world to be more of the person you want to be.

Have the courage to embrace what makes you unique.

The first time I taught a Dale Carnegie class, one of my students raised her hand and said, “Jerry, you’re teaching public speaking but the way you wave your hands around is distracting”.

That’s the point in time when it would have been easy to second guess the most important quality in a speaker – the ability to be yourself in public.

My response, “I’m Italian. We speak with our hands”.

The message is important but nothing is more important than knowing and being yourself.

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If there is someone you value more than anyone else, you can be proactive about nurturing that friendship.

• Be in their lives when things go right – not just when they go wrong.
• Little things mean a lot – these are the building blocks of a deep friendship such as remembering their likes from previous conversations.
• Jealous and envy have no place in true friendships.  When others succeed, it does not mean that you won’t succeed.  Don’t hold the happiness and success of another person hostage because of envy.
• Spend lots of face time together if at all possible.  Social media friends are almost never true friends because true friendship takes place in the present.
• Scrap the agency – you don’t always have to contact a friend for a reason.  Call for no reason at all.
• Be there even if you can’t be of help.

One of our biggest complaints is about the lack of true friends.

Facebook and Instagram friends, yes.

Real friends, not really.

Friends are not aggregated, they are appreciated.

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We work.

We raise families.

We tend to the needs of our aging parents.

What time is left we use to try to reduce stress which seems like it is getting worse all the time.

Perhaps you are like me – stretched in too many directions.

I have discovered a replacement for more quality time – you know, the thing we keep hearing we have to do to make relationships better.

And that is to be present and undistracted in our relationships.

The time we spend with friends, family – our children is secondary to how present we are when we are in their company.

Not how long we spend with others but how present we are in their company.

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Not far from me in New Jersey near the shore 9 teenagers and 3 young adults have killed themselves in a three-year period.

These are cluster suicides that are related – one triggered off another.  Several took their lives on the same train tracks, many went to the same high school.

Depression is a chemical as well as psychological response in people.  One teen was thought to have had a reaction to an acne drug.

But out of such bad has come good with people, families of the victims and officials coming together to soothe the pain and give some meaning to these tragic events.

Three thoughts:

1. Deal with problems openly not buried deep inside.
2. Wipe away senseless guilt and shame.
3. Realize to be free, problems need to be discussed.

Listening without judging promotes such open communication.

Being there for others is how to be of help.

Here is an excellent video about the 9 suicides that also serves as an uplifting reminder of what we can do to help others and the troubled when we are there with them in the present.

Click here for Struggling To Understand.

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The amazing Dr. Amit Sood has the best test for a true friendship:

“Let’s say you won one hundred million in a lottery.  How many people can you call knowing they will be truly happy for you and not expect a dime?  They are your real well-wishers.  People who are truly happy in your happiness are your true friends”.

Quality trumps numbers of friends.

“Research shows even a few true real life friends remarkably increase happiness; thousands of social media connections; not so much”.

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Teens spend more time on media each day than sleeping (Common Sense Media).

Two thirds of teens don’t think texting or watching TV has anything to do with their ability to learn.

What’s worse – their parents set a poor example by trying to multitask rather than prioritize.

As a college professor I can tell you that anyone can multitask but it doesn’t mean that they are doing their best work.

And we are already seeing signs in our culture of stress-related activities such as trying to do too much.

We can change this by prioritizing what things we do that will get us the best, most productive results.

80% of what we do doesn’t need to be done in a given day because if we pick the right 20%, we will accomplish 80% more.

The best book I ever read on prioritizing time management is a book written decades ago by Alan Lakein.

I use it and taught it to my children.

Do a few things well not a lot of things poorly by identifying the 20% of life that needs your attention.

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• Not receiving a promotion that has been earned more often than not becomes positive motivation toward improvement and a better outcome next time.  Check around and you’ll see this is true.
• Never allow your self-worth to reside in the advancement an employer may give you at work or – just as important – one that is denied you.  They don’t get to do that.
• I keep a file in my email of any and every testimonial I may receive about my work or me as a person.  Reviewing these comments comes in handy at times when we feel not appreciated and need more confidence.  And use this confidence to explore other opportunities.
• Often the person who passed us over for a promotion eventually winds up losing their job.  The ability to retain and promote outstanding people is not buried in a job description but is a gift that the best managers have.
• When passed over for a promotion and considering that the employer was fair and sincere, ask what specific things you can do to win that promotion the next time.
• Don’t gripe to co-workers, sulk or take it out on your family.
• Being passed over for promotion isn’t the end of the world, it’s the beginning of your next promotion.

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All families are dysfunctional – just some more than others.

And families can be more than genetically related people.  There are work families and social families.

And extended family.

I am closest to my dearest friend than I am to my biological siblings.  Perhaps you can relate to that.

The road to life is always under construction.

• Be a good communicator and my definition of a good communicator is a person who not only delivers a message but makes double sure that it was received as delivered.
• Be aware of the difference between fact and assumption.  Fact can be observed and verified and assumptions cannot not.  Unfortunately, most interpersonal relationship problems are based on assumptions about things – not the facts as they are.
• Forgive but don’t forget.  There is great benefit to remembering how we have been hurt but there is no benefit to carrying around the vitriol and anger that makes us someone we don’t want to be.
• Sometimes major differences in values even among close family members cannot be reconciled. The healthy way forward is to let that person go and hope for the best or if you are religious, pray for them.

Nothing can stand in the way of two people who desire a healthy relationship, but it takes courage to reassess what you need and what you can give in return to others.

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