Very few people are good listeners.

In fact, most of us talk too much about ourselves.

Self-absorption runs rampant.

But if you desire to be a better listener, here are some secrets …

• Tune in enough to be able to repeat the essence of what a person is saying to you when they stop talking.
• Resist the temptation to match every comment they make with a comment or story about you.
• Becoming a great listener is about consciously drawing out a narrative from someone else without judging it or trying to top it.
• Good listeners are curious people – by instinct they want to know more.
• Ask questions, don’t make statements.

One of the many advantages of being a better listener is that people are drawn to you.

How ironic?

The less we say and the more we listen, the more people feel connected to others.

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Rejection isn’t just not getting the job or promotion you wanted.

There is something more dangerous than that.

The fear of rejection that lurks in our minds.

Strong affirmations of confidence can disable this fear of rejection that can dog us in business, personal relationships and life.

I will never fear rejection because it is a small and temporary risk to take for betting on success. 

Almost everyone who has experienced rejection has lived to overcome it.

Sports teams don’t take the field fearing a loss — even the worst teams think they have a chance to win the game on any given day. The possibility of rejection is a small price to pay for a chance to win.

The fear of something that may never happen and if it does will probably make you stronger is a waste of energy.

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Talk to anyone who is successful in this world and you will see that they almost never rely on other people to build their self-confidence.

But for those struggling with self-esteem, it is not uncommon to see how much they are affected by the words and actions of others.

This alone is an important revelation because self-confidence comes from ourselves not from others.

Never outsource confidence.

Nurture it by being honest and authentic with yourself.

“It wasn’t easy to stand up for myself at that presentation because it was stacked against several employees, but I did it and felt good about it.”

“I’d love to meet my perfect mate, but I realize that I have to love myself in good times and bad before I ask another to do it.”

“No one succeeds 100% of the time.  Even the best baseball hitter ever, Ted Williams who batted .400, was out 60% more times than he was on base.  When I believe I will not quit, that is more important than the outcome.”

Stop looking to others for that which can and should come naturally from within.

Talk positively to yourself and you will react in kind.

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During a recent illness I discovered which friends and family members were there for me out of sincere concern.

This touched me very much and also got me to thinking.

How much of our lives do we spend with people who do not have this level of concern for us?

Among the surprises, people whom I saw as acquaintances but who acted more like friends with their outreach.

Amazed as people who one would expect a high level of concern actually showed less or none at all.

Nothing introduces you to yourself and your friends more than adversity and one of the blessings is to appreciate how nice and kind people can be even when you have not previously considered them your inner circle.

This prompts the question – should we spend our time with people who care about us the most?

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For the person who has everything, how about giving them the gift of your time.

In our Pokémon Go world where we are all distracted by augmented reality or just the omnipresence of social media, face time one on one is a valuable commodity now.

Some ideas …

• Sit down in close proximity face to face with another person without digital devices.  Open mouth.  Speak (and don’t forget to listen).

• Tell a child that you are going to put your phone on the table and ask them to do the same thing as you go for a walk together free of outside distractions.

• Tell your family you love them every night by having dinner phone-free and you take the lead.  Surveys show that parents more than even teens fight to stay tethered to their phones.  This sends a positive message.

• In a healthy relationship with another person, you want to aim for an equal amount of time without digital distractions than with them.

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Maybe it’s the fact our world is so connected but there appears to be an outbreak of worry affecting us these days.

Forethought – the ability to look ahead is fair game.

Fear thought – worry for no good reason at all can lead to unhappy lives and terrible outcomes.

If you find yourself worrying more these days and liking it less, a few ideas …

• A proven fact is that the majority of what we worry about never comes true and when it does, it is rarely the way we feared.  Translation:  colossal waste of time.

• Getting the facts and weighing the facts is an effective way to stop worry in its tracks.  Worry is fueled by irrational thoughts (what if he fires me?).  So when that worried feeling starts hitting your stomach, get the facts straight (am I really going to be fired right this moment?) and weigh the facts (I don’t like this job any more than the company may like me – time to look around).

• Let go of it – sounds hard because we rarely do it.  Set a time limit – say, today.  For today, I’m not going to spend one second worrying about my blood test that has me so concerned.  I will accept it and deal with it when I get it.  And so you will.

• Beware of the fear of other people.  I don’t know about you but more than once I have had my worst fears underscored by a well-meaning person who fuels the flames instead of calms you down.  From now on, do not give anyone permission to inject even well-meaning concern based on their life’s experiences.

“Worry never robs tomorrow of its sorrow, it only saps today of its joy.” – Leo Buscaglia.

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That’s what privately held Hilcorp Energy gave each and every one of their employees for a Christmas bonus last year.

Every one of their 1,381 employees from the receptionist to top execs.

And it isn’t the first time billionaire owner Jeffrey Hildebrand paid bonuses.

In 2010 he set a goal to grow the company by double over 5 years. He offered employees their choice of a $50,000 car or $35,000 in cash.

In today’s world of venture capital greed, cash dollars as a reward are very unusual.

But believe it or not, most employees will settle for a lot less.

Over the decades research shows that the number one thing employees crave from their bosses is appreciation which last time I checked is free.

And that the ability to actually do their job unfettered by corporate politics even outranks money as a motivator.

No one is turning down money, but the fact is that most people will happily accept a lot of other things in lieu of it proving once again that all of us have the ability to deliver big bonus impacts at no real cost at all.

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This smartphone game is all the rage.  The location-based augmented reality game has people so distracted that they are walking into cars, trespassing and ignoring their surroundings.

Players capture, battle and train virtual Pokémon (pocket monsters) who appear in the real world using GPS and the camera of compatible devices.

The problem is not that the game is fun and addicting.  It points to just how unappealing parts of our real lives may be in comparison.

People worried that we have become prisoners of our digital devices have every reason to worry as we find more and more ways to withdraw from the real world for the world of augmented reality.

Here’s a text from the Moorestown, NJ police:

Advisory: If you’re out taking part in the Pokémon GO game, respect residence and business property. Do not trespass! 

And if you’re concerned that we are turning into a world of robots chasing our lives on the smartphones, here is a way to achieve a healthy balance.

For every minute devoted to games and augmented reality experiences on digital devices, match it with in-person, 100% present face time with real live individuals.

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1. Trust
2.  Inability to effectively communicate
3. Fear of intimacy

Inability to effectively communicate comes from not being able to listen, not the notion that expressing yourself better is the problem.  It is ironic that we spend so much time worrying about how to communicate when it is the exact opposite skill that accomplishes the goal.

Trust is everything between people.  Once it is breached, it is a hard thing to overcome.  Look at trust as the ticket to admission for a healthy relationship.  Do everything you reasonably can on your part to be trustworthy.  Without trust, it is hard to be close to another.

Fear of intimacy is the number one problem in our society.  This means that we are reluctant to let others see us for how we really are and it applies to not just those who we are close to but to all the people in our lives.  Fearing closeness is never a good thing.  Rise up and get the courage to be the person you want to be in every situation.

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Nothing will kill your chance at success more than “I can’t”.

Most of us – if we are to be honest – do not need others to limit our potential because we are subconsciously doing it in our mind with limitations such as “I can’t”, “not possible”, “not for me”.

One strategy is to reject others who put such limitations on us – i.e., your child gets 3 A’s and one B and your first comment is, “What did you get the B in?”

The other is to take this vow today – this very morning – to stop saying “I can’t” and replace it with one or all of the following.

I will. 

I can try real hard.

I’d love the chance.

We can reprogram ourselves to think in the affirmative, reject the limitations directed at us by others and always believe that we have a can do attitude.

The difference between winners and losers in sports is the attitude of possibility and this same statement of positivity works in other areas of our lives as well.

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